this is what america looked like

right before the civil war.

and in my 111 years, ive never felt the nation more divided more bitter more righteous.

and knucklehead who just got reelected, i think we can all agree, aint no abe lincoln. so, in a way, we’re fucked and headed for some nasty times.

now, to be honest, and you know we keep things real on the busblog… but i couldn’t give a fuck the red states.

and im sure they could just as easily say, you know what, fuck the blue states right back.

which is exactly what the terrorists want us to do.

whoever the fuck they are.

which is another symptom of our national imbalance.

so i think we should agree to disagree as a nation on some major points before shit goes down, not because im afraid of any of you redsters, i just have enough shit to deal with without having to worry about the annoyance of a second civil war.

which is probably a little overdue, but whatever.

what will solve it is The Great 2005 Compromise

first we need to agree that jesusland shouldn’t happen. cali and oregon and washington and the big ten and the northeast shouldn’t join up with canada.

canada deserves better.

so no secession.

next we need to give states some powers that they dont have right now.

let the states who dont want gay marriages to not have to perform them, but they must acknowledge them in the same way that they currently recognize marriages from other states, or even countries.

in return the blue states need allow the red majority up to two wars a year. as long as they come in under budget. yes there should be a war budget and those monies need to be collected before said war(s).

if they are then no one in america can be allowed to talk any shit, especially in the press.

meanwhile the red states need to allow the blue states to grow sell and use marijuana. not just medical weed, all weed. a man shouldn’t have to be terminal to have a legal high. and if the red states dont want to join in, fine. but where do you think youre getting the tax revenues for your two wars a year – pot tax – so lightem if you got em.

in return abortion can be illegal in all cities with less than 500,000 people. if you look at the map, most of the people who vote blue live in big cities. they are also the ones who want a woman to have the right to choose. if someone from the suburbs or from a state with no big cities wants an abortion, she can get a ride or take the bus to the nearest city and get it handled there.

if a non-profit or philanthropist wants to donate a bus ticket to planned parenthood who will arrange for safe transport of the woman, then fine. but roe v wade needs to be protected. you get your wars, we get to have abortions if we need them.

also you get to keep bush jr in office. you say you like him, odds are in the next six months hes going to do more stupid things, the blue states should agree not to impeach his ass for one of the many fucked up things hes responsible for.

in return there needs to be supreme court reform. this wackiness where a president could pack the court with four new judges that match his ideals is… well… partisan. and wasn’t the whole purpose of the courts that they were impartial? well that doesn’t seem to be working out so well, so let the dnc pick four and let the rnc pick four. let the people approve the nominees until there are four from each of the two parties.

and finally, voting should take place over a period of three days. there shouldn’t be any need for paper ballots or long lines. theres a lot of unemployed people these days, for a few of them to have a week’s work for something as important as an election is a good iea.

the fourth day will be National Ballot Counting Day. cuz seriously, whats the rush? i want a fair and accurate count. no need to do it in the middle of the night with the manmade pressure of network cameras all up in their grill, allow one full day to count the votes and on friday at twelve noon eastern time, the results will be read aloud and people can accept or concede. and you should be forced to show ID when you vote. i wasnt asked for my ID and neither were a lot of people i know. thats silly.

not everyone is going to like what the “other” side is getting but thats all part of the compromise. its about tough choices and tolerance.

and courage and trust in your fellow american.

its a real compromise where people who live where they do can live the lives that they want to and those who disagree can live their lives without retribution or ridicule.

which is what this fine land was founded on.

that and giving the finger to the oppressor

so lets make this happen before it gets uglier.

virginia + no matt + i am a slampig + photos from the instapundit

had this cheerleader waxing my pole last night

and when youre as old as i am you can sorta enjoy it without worrying that you’ll end the play before the third act if you know what i mean.

cute girl. sweet. wonderful really. but something was missing. somethings always missing.

she was liking what she was doing and i was liking watching her.

sometimes it helps to think of something else other than the fact that theres an nba cheerleader on my ikea oriental rug but like i said, im old, i dont need to think about those things.

and any girl that ive been with in the last decade can tell you that theres only one way that i can finish and its not that way

which is a bonus for most

but for her it was a challenge.

she had called me at work and said that she wanted to do what no other had done

i said knock yourself out.

so we drank some wine we held hands and watched southpark we played footsies and before you knew it she was doing her thing.

and something has happened since the days when i was a lad.

in those days you couldnt put your hand on the girls head. you couldnt say anything mean like yeah bitch yeah, even if you were just kidding.

you couldnt even really do it right there in front of the tv with the lakers on

it was all part of one huge smorgasborg which had to end with her whipping her head from one side to another saying oh my god oh my god.

but this is LA and this is 2004 and some girls want to prove to themselves and to you that theyre better than the others

this is an era where girls will do things to guys that you’d have had to beg for in the olden days, but nowadays they’ll do it if there aint shit on hbo and theyre bored.

these are the golden years.

as long as your name isnt adolf and you dont smell like feet the world is your oyster my friends

especially in california where i have always been surprised by how gracious people can be.

and i focused real hard for a minute

and i tried, i swear i did

but finally i had to say stop stop stop

and she said mmmmmph-no

and i said yeah come on stop, its cool.

and she took off her go go boots and climbed onto the couch with me

and minutes later the neighbors heard ohmygod ohmygod yes yes yes

and the legend will last another day in the lockerroom where the cheerleaders compare notes

in hollywood.

goldberg + sutter + chokey chicken + sk smiff

Dan Rather quotes from tuesday night

“Do you hear that knocking…President Bush’s re-election is at the door.”

“This race is hotter than the Devil’s anvil.”

“His lead is as thin as turnip soup.”

“This race is humming along like Ray Charles.”

“The presidential race is swinging like Count Basie.”

“This race is hotter than a Times Square Rolex.”

“Ohio becomes like a sauna for the two candidates. All they can do is wait and sweat.”

“One’s reminded of that old saying, ‘Don’t taunt the alligator until after you’ve crossed the creek.'”

“Bush is sweeping through the South like a big wheel through a cotton field.”

“What Kerry needs at this point is the equivalent of Tom Brady coming off the bench to rescue him. But it’s still too close to call.”

“No question now that Kerry’s rapidly reaching the point where he’s got his back to the wall, his shirttails on fire and the bill collector’s at the door.”

“John Kerry needs something on the order of a 55 or 60-yard field goal to win this.”

(To Joe Lockhart) “I know that you’d rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit than consider the possibility that John Kerry would lose Ohio.”

(To Joe Lockhart) “What about Michigan? It’s been out there for a long time. Is that making your fingernails sweat?”

“This presidential race has been crackling like a hickory fire for at least the last hour and a half.”

“Let’s see where it goes from here. Round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows.”

“We keep talking about Ohio if you’ve been tuning in and out or you put the baby to bed or you went to pop the cap on an adult, or otherwise, beverage…”

“We used to say if a frog had side pockets, he’d carry a handgun.”

“No one is saying that George Bush is not going to win the election, and if you had to bet the double-wide, you’d have to bet that he’d win.”

“In southern states they beat him like a rented mule.”

“If you try to read the tea leaves before the cup is done you can get yourself burned.”

“We need Billy Crystal to Analyze This”

“You know that old song, ‘it’s delightful, it’s delicious, it’s de-lovely’ for President Bush in most areas of the country.”

“We had a slight hitch in our giddy up, but we corrected that.”

“In some ways, George Bush’s lead is as thin as November ice.”

“Put on a cup of coffee, this race isn’t going to be over for a while.”

“You look at the map and say it’s all a big Bush victory. But this is one time when your Mother is right, looks can be deceiving.”

“John Kerry’s moon has just moved behind a cloud, as far as Florida is concerned.”

On Kerry’s chances: “To use a metaphor, he’s gotta draw to an inside straight. But hey, sometimes you get lucky and hit that straight.”

“Is it like a swan, with every feather above the water settled, but under the water paddling like crazy?”

What you have here is the football equivalent of a fourth quarter rally by Kerry.”

The election is “closer than Lassie and Timmy”

“Keep in mind they are teetotally meetmortally convinced they have Ohio won.”

“”Vice President Dick Cheney would not have flown all the way out there (Hawaii) overnight and put that lei around his neck and sort of hula-danced, if you will, unless he thought there was a chance of carrying that out there.”

“President Bush smiling there with his family. He’s laid down aces so far.”

“You can almost hear the GOP (deep breathing sound). We’re getting within maybe smelling distance.”

“We don’t know what to do. We don’t know whether to wind a watch or bark at the moon.”

On how the results are affecting strategists: “It’s one reason so many of them drink a lot.”

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), on being congratulated on victory by Rather: “Thanks Dan, I always believe you.” Rather: “Now, ladies and gentleman, if you believe that, you’ll believe rocks can grow.”

“Could be game set and match Republicans.”

“They’re about first and goal from 4 yards out.”

“Tight as the pages in a book.”

“President Bush is hoping to ace his first midterm.”

“Crackling like a hickory fire.”

“Two hands worth of white knuckle still hanging ten.”

“Reminds you of that old Will Rogers line, it takes a lot of money just to get beaten.”

“It’s beginning to get exciting as the Democrats’ fingernails are starting to sweat”

dobleblog + strangblog + my lovely wife moxie + just a girl

i love it when people come to this blog

my blog, The blog and try to tell me to stop “ranting”.

when they came here for the first time probably Because of a rant.

what they should say is “quit ranting about things that i disagree with you about, because it makes me sad.”

asking tony pierce to back off on the ranting is like asking jim henson to take it easy with the puppets.

a while back people asked that i stop writing about politics.

yesterday i got twice as many hits as normal Because people wanted to read what i had to say about the election.

then tons of people thanked me and encouraged me regarding what i had to say.

the lesson is, blog what is real for you. dont listen to the negative commentors. meanwhile take the praise with a grain of salt but dont feed off it.

last month the busblog got more hits than any other month over the last year. some of it was due to the washington post and some of it was due to mr. wil wheaton, my new best friend.

but the majority of it was due to average blogs and bloggers and their readers who bookmark this page not to find out which cheerleader waxed my pole but to read what i have to say about a variety of topics

including counting the ways that the leader of the free world is an imbecile.

which is why it baffles me when regular readers get their boxers in a bunch when they come here the day after the elections and see that my nipples arent as hard as theirs are.

the lakers suck. anna kournikova is long gone. the elections are over but like a fart ripped by a herd of elephants, the residue is wafting in the air.

and im here to write it down for posterity.

so yes im going to write down all of it

and that includes knocking the pundits who got it wrong about why the “red” states voted the way that they did.

which wasnt because they loved this president so much, or even liked what he did over the last four years

and it wasnt because they read the Bible and saw some passage that said to shoot first hans.

they voted the way that they did because 9/11 made them piss their pants.

and the idea of gays gaining rights is something that they arent at all comfortable with.

my belief is america doesnt believe that anyone could have prevented 9/11

but someone can stop the gays.

and the gaystopper got re-elected.

if you have a different opinion i will never tell you not to voice it, which is the difference between freedom loving independents like myself and conservatives whose first intinct is to stop people from doing things.

orange zen + wtf + candied ginger