1. Thursday, November 4, 2004

    had this cheerleader waxing my pole last night 

    and when youre as old as i am you can sorta enjoy it without worrying that you’ll end the play before the third act if you know what i mean.

    cute girl. sweet. wonderful really. but something was missing. somethings always missing.

    she was liking what she was doing and i was liking watching her.

    sometimes it helps to think of something else other than the fact that theres an nba cheerleader on my ikea oriental rug but like i said, im old, i dont need to think about those things.

    and any girl that ive been with in the last decade can tell you that theres only one way that i can finish and its not that way

    which is a bonus for most

    but for her it was a challenge.

    she had called me at work and said that she wanted to do what no other had done

    i said knock yourself out.

    so we drank some wine we held hands and watched southpark we played footsies and before you knew it she was doing her thing.

    and something has happened since the days when i was a lad.

    in those days you couldnt put your hand on the girls head. you couldnt say anything mean like yeah bitch yeah, even if you were just kidding.

    you couldnt even really do it right there in front of the tv with the lakers on

    it was all part of one huge smorgasborg which had to end with her whipping her head from one side to another saying oh my god oh my god.

    but this is LA and this is 2004 and some girls want to prove to themselves and to you that theyre better than the others

    this is an era where girls will do things to guys that you’d have had to beg for in the olden days, but nowadays they’ll do it if there aint shit on hbo and theyre bored.

    these are the golden years.

    as long as your name isnt adolf and you dont smell like feet the world is your oyster my friends

    especially in california where i have always been surprised by how gracious people can be.

    and i focused real hard for a minute

    and i tried, i swear i did

    but finally i had to say stop stop stop

    and she said mmmmmph-no

    and i said yeah come on stop, its cool.

    and she took off her go go boots and climbed onto the couch with me

    and minutes later the neighbors heard ohmygod ohmygod yes yes yes

    and the legend will last another day in the lockerroom where the cheerleaders compare notes

    in hollywood.

    goldberg + sutter + chokey chicken + sk smiff