1. Tuesday, November 30, 2004

    the kids ask me my advice all the time. 

    rarely do they listen.

    recently ive heard more than a few of the college-aged kids talking about marriage, even though theyve been with their true loves for a year or less.

    it makes me wonder what the fuck theyre teaching at these universities of higher learning.

    history will tell you that marriage pretty much doesnt work no matter who you are.

    current events will show you that the divorce rate is the highest its ever been.

    and literature will show you that all the poetry and song and creativity and lalalalalove happens during the chase, not after

    so if you love love and romance and butterflies,

    why would you ever go down the dark road of failure

    just like the other suckers?

    and the answer is always the same.

    because we’re different.

    because you dont know us tony.

    because this guy is the best there ever was.

    we’re so perfect together, omg.

    and its so sad that most of the kids are girls, and therefore wouldnt understand the analogy, probably, but i want to say

    the yankees had jeter, sheffield, matsui, posada, brown, rivera, mussina, bernie willams, and a-rod and they still lost.

    the lakers had kobe, shaq, malone, and the glove and they lost too.

    i want to say, dont you understand, everyone loses.

    i want to say, what did you learn from romeo and juliet?

    i want to say, i learned that people generally have no clue what love is and will usually self destruct if they get it. and that goes double for kids.

    remember when i told you about me and bob and how we had to sit in the back of the class during school cuz we were so gifted? heres what i knew in high school, thanks to the aid of hindsight:

    how to beat off without getting caught

    my locker combination

    the names of every baseball player on every team

    my way to the busstop

    heres everything i knew at 21:

    who would pay me to go on beer runs

    every word of every springsteen song

    how to touch a girl under a blanket while watching twin peaks with her friends

    how to make a bong out of anything

    how to eat and drink all day with three dollars

    basically i knew nothing.

    and imagine if i had actually dated some different girls, and one thing led to another and i ended up marrying them in my early twenties. when i knew nothing.

    people should get married like how they realize their socks are old. you just know.

    there should be a moment when the one looks at the other and says, fucking a ive known you how long? shit. fine, lets just do it then.

    courts should decide who should get hitched. certainly not the participants.

    i love love. dont get me wrong. that feeling is like no other.

    it’s like drugs plus drugs

    which is what makes it legal.

    but just barely.

    and ive been intoxicated before. and ive been out of my mind before. wonderfully so.

    and i have been out of my mind in love before.

    you blow all your money, you say and do stupid things, pretty much everyone around you is annoyed by you, and you look funny.

    its cute.

    the telling part though is that when people are scared out of their minds all the above fit as well.

    and many times, ive noticed that people when theyre thinking about marriage saying things like, i want to keep this man, i want to hold on to this feeling, etc. they say things that sound like its coming from fear and not love.

    when people vote from a place of fear they settle for george bush.

    and then they get mad at you when you keep bringing him up.

    only gays have earned the right to get married.

    if i was president it would be a five year process to get married.

    youd have to register when you became “engaged.” then youd have to start living together. then once a month the neighborhood cop would be required to check in on you and ask some personal questions.

    very personal questions.

    after their first year together the man would have to be responsible for the dishes, and learn how to cook.

    the woman would have to watch sports and read bukowski.

    once a month they would be required to babysit for a local family.

    after the second year they would be required to take basic accounting classes at the junior college, gardening, and home repair.

    the cop would come by now twice a month but his questions would become more personal. and if you lie to him, no marriage for you.

    sometime during this year they are also required to move to a new apartment.

    and yes, condom use will be manditory.

    after the third year together the couple would be required to volunteer at a battered womans center, at an emergency room, at an orphanage, and at a homeless shelter. once a week, ingrates.

    the man will be tested on his ability to make a homemade chicken noodle soup, a casserole of some sort, a rare steak, a filet of fish, and ice cream from scratch.

    the woman will be required to win in at least one fantasy football league.

    if they succeed then they will have to move into seperate apartments for the next year. and only three sleepovers a week.

    after the fourth year, if they still want to go through with it, they can move back in with each other and they can send out the invitations to the wedding.

    if marriage is so central to american life that the president would think its so necessary to push a constitutional ammendment to protect it, you’d think that theyd go a little further than just say, no gays.

    people should also have higher taxes during their engagement.


    anti has a blook out + so does ryan mcgee + the gorilla flask awards + oliver willis sent me the trojan ad