nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, November 26, 2004

    today is my sister’s 23rd birthday. 

    trust me when i tell you that it’s not easy being my little sister.

    throughout the years i did things like chase her around with knives, i threw her keys on the roof of the house, i vandalized her posters and magazines, i may have killed one of her dogs, hid a variety of things, listened in on a few conversations of her talking to her friends to find out if they had crushes on me, and continually lobbied to my mother that she was being far too generous with her. normal brother stuff.

    but the worst thing i did was get born. and worse, i did it a year before she did.

    i steamrolled through elementary school, junior high, and high school like a tornado. every teacher, student, and principal knew my name and either totally hated my ass or fell in love. and because we didn’t look very much alike, people would constantly say, “you’re tony’s sister?”

    what little kid wants to be known as somebody’s sister? especially when she was an angel and i was far from that. look at that body language!

    angie and i could not be more different. i was super good at sports and terrible at getting good grades, my sister was an honor roll student and a cheerleader. because of that there were a lot of clashes within the pierce household, and when my mom got a stereo the common war zone was the living room and the soundtrack was ac/dc’s back in black, which angie got for a gift and which i instantly purloined and cranked as loudly as possible every day for many years while she practiced her flute.

    if there was a career in how to torture your sister i would be a zillionaire. i believe there were incidents of locking her into basements, closets, neighbors houses, cop cars. i remember certain moments where fellas would come over to court her and i told them they were at the wrong house. and of course there were the firefights.

    and yet my sister stuck by me. probably because i never narced on her during some of the many stealth parties that she threw when my mom was out of town. and i was always there to protect her in the shadows of school, like any brother. not that she needed my protection, there was very little that anyone could have done to torture her that she didn’t experience in the safety of her own home.

    years later my sister met the man of her dreams. and the funny thing was, i liked him right away. dave is mild mannered, smart, patient and still calls my mom mrs. pierce. thats respect. they bought a huge house. filled it with all the animals that angie loves, comfy couches, pretty much everything that she had in the barbie dreamhouse that i turned x-rated and then lit on fire but now it was full-sized and wonderful.

    so what has my sister done lately? no offense to my friends with kids, but she and dave brought to the world the cutest little girl in the world. kyla joanne.

    when they were out here last month, kyla was sick but never cried. it was amazing. i dont know what they put in her bottle but all that little girl ever did was look at you and smile and point at you and hold your finger and laugh. if she closed her eyes and started to get irritated, my sister and my brother in law knew exactly what to do. it was crazy. full on esp. they should write a book.

    so heres to my sister, bears fan, bulls fan, cubs fan, def lepard fan. her first concert, with me, was the jackson five, but then i think her second one was rick springfield at great america. if i was a good brother and ever called her, id know.

    happy 23rd angie. i love you so very much. i love that you call mom “mother”, i love that you still live in the silly suburb that we grew up in. i love that you are your own person and nothing like me and a much better soul. and i love that you are my sister.

    anti + iron mouth + terra

  2. one and a half days and theres already a controversy 

    the fine company that is publishing How To Blog has put the original cover under review to see if i am breaking any copyright law by using it.

    it would have been nice if they had emailed me to let me know of their concerns, but, you know, whatev.

    the way i see it the artist who puts out all of the graffit-based obey/giant art wants his image everywhere which is why he provides it for free for people to download and stick on things.

    in a way im sticking it on the best thing that ive made in years.

    ive emailed the guy and hopefully it will reach him and if im lucky he will give me permission to use the image, which i consider to be typical of what youre bound to see on a corner here in hollywood.

    i have always appreciated his street art and the anarchistic feeling and its questioning and its punk rock asthetics and i think it jibes perfectly with what id like to see more of in blogging.

    until i get his permission, however, the books will be printed with the cover above.

    im sorry for any inconvenience any of this may have caused you.

    if, say, the dude says its cool and the publishing company accepts his email as proof, anyone who gets the cover you see in this post will have a rare book indeed.

    so order now.

    i dont even have that cover.

    hot utah prison guard + just a girl + tink

  3. anna’s coming over. 

    we’re going to sort through the nominations.

    she said, want me to pick up anything on the way? have you eaten?

    i was all, oh man, get a bucket and some mashed potatoes at kfc.

    but she hates the smell of kfc so shes about to pick me up so i can go in and get the finest american delicacy next to blonde immigrants.

    and today i have to tip my hat to all the americans who have to work today.

    thank you.

    why is it that im more thankful the day after thanksgiving than on thanksgiving?

    but im very grateful that there are people who are all, yeah, sucks, but lets go.

    for many years i sold retail electronics and today is the superbowl for commission salespeople.

    by now, 2pm, heres hoping that youve already broken crazy records.

    on a great day people are waiting for you to help them. on a great day the sales are just one after another. everythings smooth. everythings in stock. everything is perfect for the person and they get it and they pay quick and theyre out.

    one day after thanksgiving at sears we had this four head hifi vcr for $288 that paid us 8%. $20 a pop.

    at one point it got a little slow, so i took a stack of them off the floor and into the back room and five minutes later i rolled them right next to the big screens and said, “look! i found the last ten!”

    and then they were gone.

    right now im listening to the new gwen stefani record.

    it fluctuates between being a super annoying cd into pretty good.

    “Luxurious” is my favorite jam. a ripoff of biggie smalls and dr. dre. the type of song that i expected when i heard that gwen was putting out her first solo record.

    this is the sort of slowjam that was so successful when she dueted with eve back in the day.

    unfortunately she dabbles far too much in cheesy 80s synth crap and panders to euro and asian pop sensibilities best left in the alley behind the roxbury – not coming from the hottest chick in showbiz.

    for the first time ever it makes you really appreciate no doubt records and their goofy guitar player who writes all the songs.

    hes painfully missing from this collection.

    there are parts of the 80s that were miserable. mrs rossdale found every single one and put a lot of them in “The Real One”.

    whats good about the new gwen stefani record is it makes the new u2 record not suck so much.

    ray guarrd + flagrant + who said ev could go to europe?

  4. today is buy nothing day. 

    if i knew this earlier i would have named my book Nothing

    and put it out today.

    i’ll have to remember that for next year.

    i wonder if ebay would let me sell nothing.

    i wonder how much people would pay for it.

    i wonder how much i should charge for shipping.

    i wonder if it would be ok if i just sent an envelope.

    if you even send an envelope havent you sent them something (an envelope) and therefore lied?

    i dont wanna lie.

    maybe i should just make a paypal button and cut out the damn middleman.

    maybe i should do it before treacher beats me to it.

    since im an accused contrarian youd think if i was id be totally into buy nothing day.

    i think its cool, but what else are people supposed to do the day after thanksgiving?

    you cant expect them to hang out with their relatives for two full days. enough is enough already.

    they did a newscast from the best buy in burbank last night at 11pm and people were already standing in line for some shit that they were going to buy at 6am.

    like $139 24″ flat screens at wal*mart.

    anytime you can get people to spend the night in line, im for it.

    but yes, Christmas is overcommercialized, and the religiousness has been sucked out of it. but at the heart of todays shopping is giving. which is a good thing.

    even though i have a feeling that alot of the giving that will be happening today is people giving to themselves. and thats fine too.

    the funny thing about buy nothing day is if i was like the president of it

    and if i really wanted people to stop participating in the “frantic consumer-binge that’s become our culture” i would pull the reverse psychology on them and tell them to go shopping today

    with all the crowds

    and the crappy parking

    and the long lines

    and traffic

    cuz then next year theyd be all, yeah fuck day after thanksgiving shopping.

    infact maybe they’ll be all mmmmmm online shopping.

    brand democrat has a nice little online store, for example.

    or maybe today should be donate something day.

    i never thought donating could be so controversial, but today i flowed the profits of yesterdays book sales to the world food programme which is currently struggling to feed the refugees of darfur.

    the truth is people are programmed to buy things and give things.

    no need to fight it.

    it’s what seperates us from the terrorists.

    that, and blogging.

    sean bonner + lost in a lunchbox + rick abbott

  5. Thursday, November 25, 2004

    happy thanksgiving everyone 

    im very thankful for so much, but instead of making a long list

    lets just say that im thankful that if i made a long list it would get read.

    so thank you al gore for the internet.

    and thank you to all my teachers who taught me how to write.

    if thats what youd call this.

    heres a passage from the new blook, how to blog, which i read from just a few minutes ago.

    this is an audio post - click to play

    fuck jimmy fallon. fuck friends. fuck rush limbaugh. fuck the view. fuck the president. fuck smog. fuck hemmoriods. fuck taxes. fuck colin quinn. fuck sally jesse fucking raphael. fuck american idol when theyre not auditioning people. fuck rick dees. fuck casey kasem. fuck people who care how i spell. fuck people who leave anonymous negative feedback.

    fuck carson daly.

    fuck the la times.

    fuck rude drivers, aids, dollar chinese food that tastes like dog, fuck shrimp fried rice that has onions in it after i politely asked for no onions, fuck my phone that never stops ringing.

    fuck infomercials.

    my buddy travis k. is pleading with me to not fuck friends so i rescind my fucking of friends and i double fuck jimmy fallon who has a week to learn tina feys jokes and ALWAYS fucks them up.

    fuck the fcc. when will adults get their tvs back?

    fuck colin powell for not running. fuck michael powell for being more of an uncle tom sellout than his sellout dad.

    fuck the yankees. fuck sars. fuck the terrorists. fuck the idea of terrorists. fuck the terror alert level.

    fuck britney spears and her wedding. double fuck britney spears and her annulment. fuck the judge who took the bribe and annulled her marriage even though you cant annul marriages because “it was a joke” dumbass.

    fuck the malloof brothers.

    fuck people who make bad movies.

    fuck meter maids. fuck the pope. fuck all the cardinals. fuck some of my old bosses. fuck the white sox. fuck lice.

    fuck bart giammottis rotting corpse.

    fuck kathy lee gifford. still.

    fuck almost everything thats on the radio.

    fuck newscasters fuck djs fuck dance clubs fuck tickemaster to all hell.

    fuck george bush and his father and his mother. yep fuck his mother too.

    fuck quiet riot, fuck becks last few records, fuck pearl jam and 103.1s love affair with them, fuck KROQ, fuck dumbass motherfuckers who always end up not only in my life but central to my life.

    fuck the flu

    fuck young republicans, fuck screaming babies, fuck kids who have kids, fuck starbucks, fuck abecrombie, fuck tommy hillfucker, fuck fear, fuck zima, fuck yuma, fuck barry bonds, fuck steroids

    fuck mosquitoes.

    fuck sub-eighty degree temps in southern california.

    fuck carpal tunnel syndrome.

    and of course

    fuck kwanza.

    bloggaplease + fuck fuck fuck + amy + isla vista rachel

  6. Wednesday, November 24, 2004

    today i got a copy of my new book. 

    i cant believe it either.

    they let us home early today from work. i ran right to my mail slot and there wasnt a slip in there. so i called cafe press customer service. she said that they had until 8pm to send it.

    so i checked at 6:30p, it wasnt there.

    at 7:45p i couldnt wait any longer. i went to my box and no slip. so i asked the dude. he looked in the back and said there wasnt anything there.

    i looked at a stack of packages right by his desk, one of them had cafepress.com printed on its side.

    i never do this. im usually quite shy. but i said, i think that box right there might be it.

    and almost like he knew, he checked the box on top – not the one i was pointing at – then he checked the next box – also not the one i was pointing at – i wondered if my pointy finger was defective.

    and then he went to the third box and there was my name. and i ran to my room and opened it up and there it was

    glossy cover. color. bright.

    i flipped it open and there it was, a real book in my hands. something that i made.

    i looked at the page numbers and there they were. i looked at the table of contents and everything was right.

    i flipped to the back and the back cover and the spine, everything was right.

    i know im dreaming.

    but then i saw that i had gotten a parking ticket on my true loves car. apparently there was street cleaning. and i said, devil, you cant bring me down today.

    infact i have lots to be thankful for.

    most of all, that today i can finally say

    my new book is out.

    and if you get it, tell me and i will be happy to link to your blog.

    or to your favorite blog.

    and if im ever in your town i will sign it.

    cuz right now id say its the best thing ive ever done.

    so id be happy to sign it

    your pal,


  7. today in history: november 24, 1900 

    1900 Test Drive Of The First Production Pierce

    On this day, the first gasoline-powered Pierce automobile was taken on a test drive through the streets of Buffalo, New York.

    George N. Pierce first founded the Pierce Company in 1878 as a manufacturer of household items, but in the late nineteenth century shifted to bicycle production. Pierce bicycles became known for their high quality, and after achieving a substantial capital base, Pierce and his company decided to try their hand in automobile production. The first few Pierce prototypes involved steam power, but in 1900 the designers shifted to gasoline engines.

    The first production Pierce, test driven on this day, featured a modified one-cylinder deDion engine capable of producing nearly three horsepower. The automobile would be christened the Pierce Motorette, and between 1901 and 1903 roughly 170 Pierce Motorettes were made.

    In 1903, Pierce began manufacturing its own engines, and later in the year, the Pierce Arrow was introduced, followed by the Pierce Great Arrow in 1904. By 1905, the George N. Pierce Company was producing some of the biggest and most expensive automobiles in America, with prices in excess of $5,000.

    In 1908, the Pierce-Arrow Motor Car Company was officially launched, and in 1909 U.S. president William Howard Taft ordered two of the prestigious automobiles, a Brougham and a Landaulette, for use by the White House.

    via The History Channel and the Buffalo and Erie County Historical Society + i’m the number seven pierce

  8. spent the night with my true love 

    so that i could take her to the airport this morn.

    nice part about doing all that is, i got to sleep with her in the most comfortable bed of all time, and we got to eat fancy pre-made Whole Foods last night, and i get her car for 4-5 days.

    but i also got to use her shower which is awesome.

    and i got to watch some of Elf while holding her hand which was great.

    and i got to experience rush hour traffic leaving LAX this morn which wasnt as bad as the tv news crews will tell you it is.

    my baby flew out via Alaskan airlines which was the way to go. the line for Southwest was looooooooooong and well out the door.

    remind me not to fly SWA on any holiday.

    while driving to work i was tuned in on flagrant‘s favorite, kfi, where bill handle was chopping up Dan Rather’s career as mercilessly as could be.

    funny how when one texan who leans liberal acts unique handle call him crazy, but when another texan who is ultra conservative acts unique handle calls him mr. president worthy of four more years.

    ah hypocracy, as commonplace as gravity.

    when i tired of talk radio i hit the cd player to see what my sweetheart was listening to.

    twas Nelly’s “sweat” which got me moving around in my seat.

    “let a grand hang out” was pretty awesome.

    so was the mcdonalds drive thru that i treated myself to.

    if i dont get a chance to say so today, let it be known that im eternally thankful for the opportunity to have my mundane so-called life read by thousands of people a day. it’s humbling and overwhelming. and dont think for a minute that i dont appreciate it.

    cuz i do.

    boston vs nirvana + tiffany + kitty bukkake

  9. Tuesday, November 23, 2004

    seventy three year old dan rather will be stepping down 

    as anchor of the CBS News come march and you’d think the instapundit would be happy, but he snot.

    he wants blood.

    he wants tears.

    he wants heads.

    and, laughably, he wants to see an internal investigation and more apologies.

    laughably because he never asked for an apology or an internal investigation on the white house regarding 9/11 or lack of wmd.

    whats sad about this sort of behavoir is it painfully echoes the witchhunt surrounding Clinton who successfully shrugged off investigation after investigation and congress had the nerve to impeach him during the last year of his term even though they knew that he had done nothing impeachable.

    but like now, the conservatives arent happy enough when their opponents (or in this case, a journalist who dared report on a document that made the president look back) are on their way out.

    they want more.

    they want the death penalty.

    it’s always curious when you notice the crusades that people take.

    the instapundit has been on RatherGate since before the controversial 60 Minutes II peice even aired. he, and the other right wing bloggers were aware that the President’s military record was going to be (finally) scrutinized, and they were all waiting on their hands to destroy whatever was out there.

    fortunately for them, the docs were fake.

    they ignored the fact that the military secretary on 60 Minutes who said that they were fake also said that the contents were accurate, but, you know, whatever.

    but yes, it is fascinating that the Right have chosen to raise their flaming stakes around dan rather and 60 minutes for their innaccuracies

    but they completely forgive the innaccuracies and false documents that led us to war.

    why do you think that is?

    instapundit + buzzmachine + whatthefukc

  10. thats him. 

    john green. the dude who threw the cup of something at ron artest.

    john green’s bad luck cost artest $5 million when their paths crossed on friday, but the fates turned on mr. green when the michigan county prosecutor recognized his former neighbor and officially identified green as the instigator of the greatest fight in sports history.

    when news crews went to his house green sicked his german shepard on them.

    but the dog ran the other way.

    true story.

    even the fucking dog knew that his owner was an asshole.

    somebody asked me in the comments why i was defending ron artest even though i have often said that as a Christian i believe in Jesus’s invitation to turn the other cheek.

    and i can understand the gentleman’s confusion. and good for him for paying attention because i believe the context of my writing about turning the other cheek was in regards to the pro-war red staters who, along with the president, identify themselves as Christian even though Christians believe in turning the other cheek.

    so, the question must be, how can i defend ron artest for attacking those who didnt strike him first, while not supporting president bush for doing the same thing to iraq?

    simple. america should be a little wiser than a guy who wears dennis rodman’s number.

    and i always defend the brothas.

    the underdogs.

    the misunderstood.

    the sons of soul.

    the unloved superheroes.

    my fellow americans

    who’ve turned the other cheek for quite a while.

    and i was having a little conversation today with a very smart man who happened to be white and i jokingly asked him why the commissioner of the nba is white when almost all the players are black.

    and he said, not everythings about color.

    and i can understand a white man thinking that.

    umar + j.mo + doinkman + josh