1. Sunday, December 19, 2004

    anyone but me 

    it sunk in this weekend that anna is married, for real this time, and’s never coming home.

    i dont know why it took so long for me to get it. probably because i have the greatest force field imaginable.

    other day this dude was hating on me. someone who i should care about hating on me, but i didnt care. i mocked his hate. i fed off it. i literally turned to rubber and he to glue. it was frightening.

    anna called on saturday in the best mood ive heard her in a long time. and i want the best for her. of course i do.

    but theres a part of me that still thinks that im the best for her. theres part of me that thinks, shit, astrology alone tells us that im the best for her. theres a part of me that thinks, definately in the sack im the best for her.

    she heard how i felt, my silence, and she began to cry, and said, maybe i know whats the best for me, and i said how do you say nonsense in russian.

    she laughed.

    then cried.

    then i wanted to cry.

    we hung up and i went through the short list of guys she went out with after me and how she sounded after each first date with them

    and i thought, anyone had a chance with her as long as they werent me.

    its ideas like that that’ll kill you the big bottle of rum said

    redesign the wall, the hookah smokesignaled

    use me moaned the porn

    but you must keep the sabbath holy

    so i just did my laundry

    and drove all night

    with the radio turned

    hella low

    17 seconds + rampant + britcoal