1. Monday, December 13, 2004

    dear kobe, 

    it looks like in a few months i just might have a new job.

    it will allow me an outlet to be creative, it will enable me to do what i most like doing – helping others, and it’s somehow an even shorter commute than my current job in that it is a mere three subway stops from my hollywood bachelor pad.

    but dude, im going to have to apply for the ever increasingly necessary job of telling you to shut the fuck up.

    i dont care if karl malone put his fingers to his lips, looked at your woman and licked them with his big crazy tounge.

    which he didnt do, by the way.

    i dont care if karl malone lapdanced your beautiful wife while you were driving the lane.

    which he also didnt do.

    karl malone, because hes a semi-truck driving hick, was wearing cowboy boots and a cowboy hat (pictured) when your wife asked him what he was hunting for

    and karl malone said, im hunting little mexican girls.

    which we’re all hunting kobe

    fyi.

    and when she became outraged and when she called karls wife and when he called you allegedly he didnt deny it.

    cuz hes a man.

    who was kidding.

    now if you remember, karl malone hasnt always said the smartest things. remember when he told the press once magic announced that he had HIV that he didnt want magic playing in the nba.

    remember when karl became a laker how he wanted to unretire magic’s number?

    yes he apologized for both of those instances, but kobe, between you and me, theres a reason hes wearing cowboy boots at a basketball game.

    talking to your wife.

    and if i was getting paid a small stipend thats when it would be time for you to call me

    and you would have told me what transpired and i would have then said

    ok kobe, now shut the fuck up.

    and i would go back to my newly installed hot tub.

    and because im so fucking good at my job, i would call your beautiful bride

    the one you cheated on

    and id say mrs. bryant, with all due respect im going to have to invite you to shut the fuck up too.

    and if she gets indignant and starts yelling at me, then i will shut the fuck up.

    and when the dust settles everyone will be kool and the gang.

    but if you notice nothings kool and the gang right now kobe.

    here are my terms: pay my cellphone bill, get me season floor seats near the laker girls, and an escalade. thats it. and you get to call me day or night.

    maybe you’ll have to chip in for gas.

    and i will probably listen and listen and at the end i will say uh huh now shut the fuck up.

    every now and then i will add

    idiot.

    at no extra charge.

    four o’clock + brit coal + futurballa + howard owens is back