1. Wednesday, December 15, 2004

    there were some kurdt kobain stories 

    that i did not include in How To Blog.

    either they were too dumb or poorly written or in this case, too gross.

    i think you will agree.

    just to catch you up, in this episode i was dead, i was with kurt and i didnt know if i was in heaven, hell, or what…

    two years ago today, December 15, 2002

    caught the bus and drove out to death valley. the ride wasnt bad, it was just me and kurt and a few gangstas from the hood.

    when the bus stopped kurt led me out.

    before we can go any further you have to sit on the Regret Throne.

    all i saw were a row of Port-A-Potties.

    go in there, put down some paper on the seat, pull down your pants, and think about all of your regrets.

    i did as instructed.

    “i cant think of any.” i yelled.

    i thought you said you were bummed that you never went to Prague?

    “oh yeah.”

    plop plop plo-plo-plo- SPLASH

    “i think im done.” i told him.

    did you ever have sex with anyone you wish you hadnt?

    hmmmm. no. no, i dont think so.

    think hard. if theres any regret in you, you wont be able to fly in heaven. it’s what seperates us from the birds.

    plop plop plop.

    what about some of the jobs you had?

    i sorta liked my jobs, kurt.

    wish you had said some things, or not said some things, or quit earlier at some of them?

    plop plop plop plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-thrrrrrrrrrrrrbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb plllllllllrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrb SPLASH

    ok that was sick, tony

    hey man, im just doing as the inventor of grunge is instructing me.

    any girls you wish you had asked out?

    the toilet exploded.

    it was like a missle.

    there were flames.

    kurt hosed me off and handed me a towel. i tipped him a dollar and he opened the door of another port-a-john.

    any records you bought you wish you handt? movies you saw? extended warrantees you bought?

    another violent explosion.

    my ass was starting to hurt.

    kurt took the hose to me again and handed me another towel.

    i gave him a $5, he gave me three ones in change.

    i went into another port-a-potty and sat down.

    sorry you didnt buy Amazon at 7 and sell at 100?

    huge explosion. my ears began to ring.

    kurt hosed me off, handed me a towel, i gave him the three ones. he gave me a squirt of cologne.

    went into the last port-a-potty that remained.

    sorry you didnt say good bye to anyone?

    nah, not really.

    wish you had asked for more money on your blog?

    plop.

    wish you had spell checked or proof read it before you posted?

    pleep.

    wish you had kissed more people’s asses so that they would link you?

    plip.

    wish you had gone to journalism school?

    plop plop plop.

    wish you had learned to play guitar?

    SPLASH.

    wish you had gotten married in your twenties?

    no.

    look down at your feet.

    “what am i looking for?”

    are they on the ground?

    and what do you know, i was floating about an inch off the floor.

    crazy.

    i wiped, flushed, got out, and felt incredible.

    me and kurt hung out at the bus stop waiting for the next bus.

    “what was one of your regrets when you were here?”

    i wish i had been a corporate spokesperson for someone.

    “really?”

    yeah, really. i was just shy.

    jack bog is giving to charity, join him + so is jeff jarvis + tiffany is just hot