nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, December 29, 2004

    the life aquatic 

    directed by Wes Anderson

    starring Bill Murray, Cate Blanchett, Anjelica Huston, Jeff Goldblum, Willem Dafoe, Seu Jorge, and Bud Cort as Bill Ubell

    the problem with being the writer/director of Rushmore is your work will always be compared to Rushmore.

    The Life Aquatic is a perfectly good movie if you forget everything about any of Mr. Anderson’s other movies. If you cant forget about his other films this one will seem somewhat dull and tame, which is why it’s getting mixed reviews.

    Bill Murray plays a deadpan character like he played in the award-winning Life in Translation. Nothing will make this man excited. Everything is met with a line of unblinking sarcasm.

    Because of this Jeff Goldblum and Willem Dafoe come across damn-near comedic.

    The brilliance of this film, and there are bouts of brilliance, is in the art direction. This is one of the few examples of a movie without huge explosions or special effects that is worth watching on a big screen.

    Stefano Maria Ortolani, you made my $11 worthwhile.

    He and the brazillian man (Seu Jorge) who sang all those david bowie songs in portugese on an acoustic guitar.

    Once again the Wes Anderson soundtrack is brilliant. Second only to Cameron Crowe. Kudos to devo’s Mark Mothersbaugh.

    The villan of the show was Mr. Owen Wilson, who for some reason thought he needed to affect a southern-gentleman accent. but then half the time forgets that he is supposed to have an accent. not only is it distracting but his “acting” skillz are terribly questionable in this role. but he does fit the johnny bravo suit which is apparently the only prerequisite these days.

    out of four stars, because i cant shake Rushmore out of my head, i give The Life Aquatic two and a half stars even though its better than half the crap that you’ll see out there. even though thats no way to judge things.

    next time lets hope that Wes can get a real love story going cuz without one he doesnt have much happening.

    tiffany + splink realty + ashley

  2. Tuesday, December 28, 2004

    Never give out your password or credit card number 

    in an instant message conversation to raymi le minx.

    raymi says: father christmas?

    me: my love

    raymi says: last time i interviewed you

    me: so raymi le minx, you have a new man in your life. tell us about him

    raymi says: no

    raymi says: you are such a gossip queen

    raymi says: like i know i am the paris hilton of blogging et all…

    me: you talked about him in your blog just now

    raymi says: yes well ok what do u want to know, u have to be specific and i have to agree to how the question is asked because if you havent noticed these days i am a big witch

    me: ive never seen you as a big witch

    raymi says: ok

    me: and no, you will answer the questions

    raymi says: well it’s kind of a front

    me: i know

    raymi says: shut up

    me: where did you kiss him first?

    raymi says: on his mouth

    me: drunk or sober?

    raymi says: i forget

    me: did he kiss you or did you kiss him

    raymi says: i think i instigated it because i am the horny sex monster and he is more reserved

    me: what made you instigate

    raymi says: he’s a babe

    me: was it his ass or his eyes?

    raymi says: he’s the full package, like a hundred feet tall and geeky like me as in smart and he’s older, i’m attracted to oldness

    raymi says: he also has a motorbike

    raymi says: and is sensitive but also an asshole and likes cats bla bla, arent bloggers going to be annoyed by all this cute love shit?

    me: never pander to the audience

    me: theres a picture of you on one, can you drive one?

    raymi says: no thats not me that’s aimee u moron

    me: you guys look totally alike

    me: plus i dont believe half your blog half the time

    raymi says: well it’s all true u big gay

    raymi says: just kuz yer blog is all fantasy crap doesnt mean everyone else lies

    me: good point. so wait are you in love?

    raymi says: yes

    me: how long after kissing him did you tell him that you loved him

    raymi says: i didnt have to tell him i think he got the point

    me: so youve never told him

    raymi says: yes i have

    me: how long after kissing him did you tell him that you loved him

    raymi says: i forget

    raymi says: my philosophy on loving someone is, just say it and who cares how they react. although some dudes are big commitmentphobes kuz maybe their ex lova’s were cunts to them and did bad things so now theyre all nervous about being involved

    either way, as a species, humans are not meant to be alone so u may as well jump right in whenever u get the chance, and eventually u find the one who u decide not to fuck around on because u know theyre not gonna do that to you

    raymi says: ok this is me basically interviewing myself, what the hell are you doing? are you crying?

    me: im giving you time to type, ho

    me: take it easy

    me: how many boyfriends have you told that you loved them

    raymi says: all of them

    me: haha

    me: why are you being so defensive

    me: youre miss i dont give a fuck

    raymi says: im not being defensive

    raymi says: when was i being defensive

    me: youre not answering the questions and you know it

    me: i may as well interview the president

    raymi says: which question did i not answer to your liking?

    me: all

    me: how many bfs have you had

    raymi says: u asked me which boyfriends did i say to them i loved them

    raymi says: and i said all of them

    raymi says: did u want more detail?

    me: of course

    raymi says: ok next question.

    raymi says: well be more specific with your questions.

    me: fine

    raymi says: remember yer talking to the majorest deflector of personal questions ever who is also a smartass

    me: why do you deflect personal questions

    raymi says: and also every single ex bf reads my blog who will in-turn read yours. u ding a ling.

    me: fuck them

    me: why are you suddenly caring what people think

    me: you just totally reamed non-size-0 women in my comments

    raymi says: because i grew a conscience

    me: and yet youre worried about 5-6 exs

    me: uggg

    me: let me extract it

    raymi says: well ask me a question that i feel like answering then

    raymi says: im allowed a bit of privacy arent i

    me: whatever you say naked chick

    raymi says: grr

    raymi says: so because i get naked that means i have to share all my dirty secrets.

    me: definately

    me: because talking about kissing and love is so dirty

    raymi says: thats bullshit and you know it

    raymi says: ok ask another question blonty

    me: are you happy that i bought jaime’s poster of you

    raymi says: do u want me to talk about the two drug dealers who were abusive to me, and negative shit like that

    raymi says: yes i am happy.

    raymi says: i am drawing a picture for you right now in paint

    me: awesome, email it to me when youre done and i’ll post it

    me: no i want you to talk about love and kissing

    raymi says: ok last nite we got loaded drinking whiskey and ginerales and i was like YOURE CUTE every 3 minutes and kissing him and shit and we were watching return of the king and he was all sick and i was crawling around being drunk and gay and he was drunk too and took a bunch of not flattering pictures of me and my pants pulled down

    raymi says: gingerales not ginerales

    me: i love gingerales

    me: is it the canadian national non beer drink

    raymi says: we ran out eventually and so went to coca cola

    raymi says: i guess so. u can mix it with beer to, that drink is called a shandy, shandy ale. it’s very british.

    me: never heard of that

    raymi says: well thats because u are american and u dont any better

    me: ps youve never taken a bad picture

    raymi says: well u dont get to see those ones

    raymi says: hm i am making u a gay banner

    me: how did you know i needed a gay banner?!?

    raymi says: well u use them all the time so maybe u might want one made by me

    me: if they change it so foreigners can run for president i would run with you as my vp

    me: and the whole fucking thing would be televised

    me: on pay per view, fuckrs

    raymi says: and then we would be assassinated

    me: fine with me

    raymi says: no i dont want to be assassinated. i want to live and be scared that i will be assassinated one day, i dont want it to actually happen though

    me: are you familiar with the works of mr. gg allin?

    me: i believe he was canadian

    raymi says: who the fuck is that

    me: great punk singer

    me: didnt give a fuck

    me: had the tiniest weiner

    me: didnt give a fuck

    raymi says: thats another thing about canadians, we dont even know which ones of us are canadian. if you arent celine dion or john candy, then you arent canadian. basically

    me: cut himself with broken bottles when he sang his bad punk songs that were oddly really good

    me: i dont think he was canadian

    me: i made that part up

    raymi says: wow he sounds like he didnt get much attention as a kid

    me: i think he was from jersey

    me: hed poop on stage and throw it at the crowd

    raymi says: thats fucknig dumb

    raymi says: i’d punch him

    me: he kicked the fans

    me: all he would ever have on would be cowboy boots

    me: for kicking people

    me: when are you moving?

    me: and where to?

    raymi says: toronto

    me: how far away are you now?

    raymi says: not too far

    me: are you moving in with your boy?

    raymi says: no

    raymi says: with ward

    me: do i know ward?

    raymi says: i write about him all the time. he is an idiot savante

    me: whats idiot about him then?

    raymi says: he’s very smart in that dept. like taking them apart and putting them back together again and he builds them for people as a side business

    raymi says: oh he’s ADD with a sprinkle of dyslexia and he’s kinda socially inept and doesnt think til after he does something and doesnt remember stuff.

    raymi says: u know like so smart that hes dumb. like rainman cept in a different way.

    me: how did you meet him?

    raymi says: drama class, high school.

    raymi says: grade 11 i think, tho he is a year older, the worst acting skills that i have ever seen

    raymi says: fucking hilarious

    me: you really need to be filming your entire life

    raymi says: i know

    raymi + about raymi + i think manic

  3. fuck franz ferdinand 

    these are the new jams that i rocked more than once in 2004 in no particular order:

    1. loretta lynne – van lear rose

    2. green day – american idiot

    3. morrissey – you are the quarry

    4. the pixies – Live 4/13/04

    5. nirvana – with the lights out

    6. the donnas – gold medal

    7. eminem – encore

    8. kayne west – college dropout

    9. sonic youth – sonic nurse

    10. britney spears – in the zone

    11. prince – musicology

    12. tom waits – real gone

    13. the walkmen – bows and arrows

    14. brian wilson – smile

    15. wilco – a ghost is born

    16. bad religion – the empire strikes first

    17. tv on the radio – despearate youth

    18. tsar – music from band, girls, money advance cd

    19. greg vaine – the many sides of

    p.s. im on tv today 4pm pacific, 7pm eastern G4TV the screen savers, pimping my blook

    leah + amanita + fimoculous

  4. two months ago 


    how to leave a comment

    1. kiss my ass.

    2. if you cant kiss my ass, ask a question.

    3. if you cant do either of those, have the guts courtesy of filling in the email address or home page portion of the comment box. everyone agrees that anonymous negative commentors are pussy ass bitches whose opinons are not even worth the milisecond that it will take to delete them.

    if you have the nerve to come into someone elses house and talk shit, have the backbone to identify yourself. i wouldnt accept a check without your signature, so fuck your pissy comment without a real email address.

    and that goes for you democrats too.

    4. but people say oh but i will get spam oh i will get spam.

    a. only fools put their primary email address on the internet.

    b. when they ask you your email address type it out like this busblog@g[mail].com

    c. create an email account for spam, look i just made one on Yahoo

    busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com

    im runnin with scissors im runnin with scissors

    busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com

    d. notice that the world didnt end.

    e. a sincere commentor should want the reader to know that theyre serious about their rebuttal. the simplist way one could discount a negative comment is to say, that person was certainly kidding as they didnt even leave their name.

    f. only cowards hide and snipe from the shadows, the only thing more pathetic and hopeless is someone who does it on a fucking blog on the internet.

    5. politely alert me of a correction that should be made. if a hyperlink is available, please use it.

    6. if you have nothing useful to say, be funny. be the guy who pops in with a little joke and then pops out real quick.

    but you better be funny.

    7. if youre busy at work, inarticulate, or flying a helicopter above the dreary clouds of hollywoodland, keep it short and/or use these:

    a. right on

    b. fuck yeah

    c. omg for sure!

    d. you know, bush does suck!

    e. please accept this generous tip

    f. bullshit

    id much rather accept some ignorant ass with a real email address simply calling out bullshit than boring me with these fat generic lies of “you’ve crossed the line now pierce im never coming back here again! humph!”

    just call bullshit and go back to watching your stories grampa. your votes been counted.

    8. a polite, lean, direct rebutal resonates much louder than a clumsy wandering stale belch. say exactly what you disagree with, offer an alternative, provide examples.

    or, call bullshit while leaving your fucking earthshattering blog’s address.

    9. do this everywhere you go

    bicycle mark + science blog has a new look + tech law advisor + ecstasy helps dying people

  5. it’s pouring sheets of rain here in LA today. 

    so all the newscasters are on full blown extra special Storm Watch mode.

    omg it’s raining here in the valley, some dude in a eddie bauer rain coat is saying in a microphone

    omg it’s raining here in hollywood, some chick in a paddington bear yellow rain coat is saying in her microphone

    omg a tree just fell on top of three Land Rovers here in brentwood, some dude is yelling into his microphone

    and then theres the traffic reports: omg theres traffic!

    omg someone got stuck under an overpass!

    omg somebody else got stuck under the same overpass — people if you dont need to be outside please dont go outside, the reporter in her all-weather gear preaches to the working world,

    even though, infact shes outside telling us that its raining.

    i want to shake my tv and say, not everyone flies chopper one for the xbi and got the day off because you cant really fly on such an f’ed up day! some people work for a livingm, lady!

    im thinking about tidying up for my maid who will hopefully be here on thursday.

    im thinking about writing a book called “how to keep your bitches in line”

    im thinking about going to the doctor

    im thinking about going to the cinema

    im thinking about watching regis.

    as much as i complain about work, i do miss it on days like today where there is crime out there, just far less of it, but superheroes shouldnt care about quanity, if you can crack one crook over the head youve made a difference.

    im thinking about having lunch with miss montreal but shes at her mamas house in miami.

    im thinking about reading some of the many books that santa brought down my chiminey.

    im thinking about you.

    web nymph + welch blogging like mad from europe + chokey chicken

  6. Monday, December 27, 2004

    hi little kid 

    victimized by the indonesian earthquake and subsequent tsunami.

    hi tony pierce!

    how old are you?

    im two.

    tell us what happened to you.

    big fucking earthquake, big fucking tidal wave, big fucking tree hit my big fucking head.

    i know youre probably hopped up on goofballs but how about taking it easy on us with the language.

    95. bloopy

    sorry tony thats how they fucking talk here.

    the talk like that in thailand?

    they talk like that here in fucking phucket thailand. it’s awesome. sorta wish i could enjoy it though.

    why cant you enjoy it?

    fucking tidal wave took my fucking parents away.

    well whats their names, i’ll find em for you.

    im two. i dont know their fucking names.

    ok, well whats your name.

    fuck if i know.



    do you miss em?

    the bash against the tree cleared my two year old fucking memory. i dont even fucking know what they look like. you could be my mommy for all i fucking know.

    ive been accused of stranger things.

    fuck it.

    so hey. what are your plans now? like what are you planning on doing tomorrow?

    well, if im not sitting here crying because im fucking orphaned and homeless i was thinking about seeing the rerun of your appearance on the Screen Savers on G4TV.

    7pm ET + 4pm PT

    they got that out there?

    G4TV is broadcast in over 50 million homes around the fucking world.

    no shit

    fuck yeah.

    well thats cool. so, good luck with whatever youre doing over there victimized little kid.

    thanks tony,later

    my single mom life + unsomnambulist + abrasivist + kyle bunch + nickerblog

  7. you’d think with all the hits the busblog gets 

    jessica simpson to have just one woman writing in upset about the choice of photos isnt so bad. but for some reason it always suprises me.

    and they always bring up the womanizing/misoginist card.

    they cant just say, yeah he hasnt outgrown the swimsuit model poster on the wall stage.

    a while back someone pointed out that a lot of my pictures feature terribly skinny girls. never noticed. that someone said that i should pay attention cuz there are a lot of young women out there who see the pictures on this blog and either feel bad about themselves when they try to compare themselves to the raymis of the world or they become turned off by me for what i am subconsiously propogating.

    heres the deal about the pictures: theyre there to lure horny guys to the site. period. theyre there to keep horny guys coming back. (second) period.

    the women will read the busblog without pictures cuz women are usually smarter. im not worried about my women readers. plus most of them appreciate a well turned calf or a sharp dress.

    the men are easilly distracted, visual creatures; therefore you need to make your page visually appealing to them.

    especially if your content is so-so.

    no matter how many sweet comments that i get or panties virtually thrown my way i have curiously low self esteem regarding the writing that i do on this, my electronic notebook.

    so the pictures must either be sexy, funny, or weird.

    or inspiring.

    and besides, arent we beyond these 20th century whines that Mass Media Images of women are capable of damaging the sensitive self-images of todays modern women?

    scroll down a little to me holding my nirvana box set. do i look like any of the leading men in stage and/or screen? im bald, im old, i have a rash of acne on my cheeks, i ride the bus to work, and im a blogger. im like nothing that you see on tv or magazines or movies or white houses. and im happy with myself. why?

    because Us magazine does not define me and if any of you are waiting for them to validate you, youre in for a huge letdown cuz look at who they give it up to: jessica simpson, ben afflack, j.lo, cameron diaz, and britney spears.

    look who they destroy at every chance they can: jessica simpson, ben afflack, j.lo, cameron diaz, and britney spears.

    fuck Us weakly who arranges talented women in police line-ups only to compare them on their looks and pick apart their every flaw. who question stars who arent married as being cheated on, who question stars who dont have children as being barren, who celebrate pregnant stars until the second that they deliver and then harp on them if they dont lose the baby weight overnight.

    then they take helicopter pictures of their many mansions. then they try to humanize them by saying “they have their tires rotated just like Us!” and then show them sitting in the tire store drinking a cappuchino reading People.

    if anyone could do damage to people’s psyches through images and text – which is quite a feat and impossible unless you have a fully willing victim-to-be – its certainly not the busblog.

    this shits art.

    la fire department blog + im nominated for a BOB + flagrant, you can crash with me if you need to

  8. walking to work this morning 

    i kept thinking the same thing that i always think when im walking to work

    why are you doing this

    what is wrong with you

    dont you know you have a college edjumacation

    dont you know that you could be rich and famous in so many fields

    dont you know that even the baby Jesus is disappointed in you

    dont you know that if youre going to be poor and worthless you may as well be a preacher in the south seas

    dont you know that people marched and faught and got shot at so that you could have the opportunites that you have now, and youre doing nothing with it

    dont you know that writing blooks during your 15 minute breaks doesnt make up for the fact that youre a loser making half what you made a few years ago

    dont you know that women want to make love to rich men

    dont you know that for america to win we all need to be driving automobiles

    dont you know that if youre going to suffer for your art you have to at least make some fucking art

    and then i walked past a homeless man laying on a cardboard box and i had a ten dollar bill in my hand for a dozen donuts that i was about to get my coworkers and i nearly turned around to give it to him when i saw what appeared to be two huge logs of feces.

    disgusted i marched on and thought

    my poops dont look that big and wide and dark brown and healthy

    what on earth is that man eating?

    is he on to some new garbagecan diet that would certainly sweep the world if it only knew.

    and then i got to work and someone had written me an email asking if i thought that my pictures on here might give the people the idea that i was, uh, a womanizer.

    the answer is no.

    else the louvre and sports illustrated are also womanizers.

    and manizers.

    clearly im a poopist.

    karen (parrot is pictured) + john a + ranting human + <3 katrín <3

  9. Sunday, December 26, 2004

    why would anyone even present this picture 

    of reggie white, today, the day of his death?

    all those great years with philly and green bay, and theyve gotta dig up the one sad crumbley year with carolina?

    thats why you’ll never ever ever see me wearing chicago white sox hat, cuz on the day that i die some lazyass mothers gonna plaster that all over the internets and say “mediocre blogger dead at 196”.

    for a while the number one picture that came up in google images if you put “tony pierce” into google and clicked images was this one taken around the holidays while i was in college. for some reason i was really depressed that day and this hippy had just gotten me stoned and i was rallying and then my buddy greg had me nearly fake a smile and click.

    google infamy.

    now this is the number one picture, taken about 20 minutes after ev announced that blogger had just been sold to google. i wasnt smiling cuz of that, i was smiling cuz i hadnt made a fool of myself in front of the blogosphere.

    my back was secretly drenched with sweat however. shhhhhh.

    youd think a man as wealthy as reggie was could have figured out a way to stop bad pictures from surfacing upon his death, but life isnt fair

    and control is an illusion

    and money is the devils tail that humans keep chasing.

    when i die i hope they just substitute my picture for one of wrigley field.

    or one of reggie white playing pool on his bible scripture pool table.

    and when kobe dies i hope they bring shaq back

    cuz the lakers arent shit without him.

    lost in a lunchbox + old poem + land of ghosts