nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, December 26, 2004

    who doesnt love the readers? 

    sixty nine comments, all very nice and one that sorta hit me sourly and it figures that thats the one that stays with me.

    one day we’ll get over this idea that if a man loves women then he should be accused as a man who hates women. thats what a misoginist is, a man who hates women.

    maybe this is what they say about the decline of the american educational system. people who criticize the government are accused for hating america, snipers who are trying to take out a gasoline attendent and instead hits the cans of oil are accused of hating cans

    and men who love women so much that they create women-only webzines, and preach about love and trust and honest communication are accused of hate.

    there are many things i hate but the weaker sex is not one of them.

    i hate arrogant ignorance and self proclaimed Christians who havent read the bible and wars over weapons of mass destruction and lies and lies and lies

    i hate smart people who act dumb i hate directv saturday morning baseball blackouts, i hate how some people look perfect in every picture they take

    i hate onions in fried rice which was asked not to reside there.

    i hate bloggers who should be blogging and whiners who should not

    i hate people who dont wash their hands after they use the john

    i hate buisness suits and stockings stds and coughing i hate that the prettyboys get everything and do nothing and vote republican.

    i hate the dh i hate drug tests i hate lustlessness i hate so many things

    ticketmaster and costas and morning shows and dumber things

    i hate that america has everything

    including rule over the world

    and we can do something good

    and we dont

    just like microsoft

    just like mtv

    just like the pope

    just like insta p.

    imagine having the power to do anything

    and squandering it

    with mediocrity

    and bullshit

    and pussy assness

    n fear.

    i ignore the things that dont please me

    so if i talk about chicks, thats not hate

    and if they tap tap at the window pane

    i will write it down, cuz its great.

    raymi + mist + gorilla mask

  2. Saturday, December 25, 2004

    the oldies station 

    has been playing christmas songs for weeks and the best one so far has got to be james browns funky christmas or whatever its called.

    it sounds like any old james brown song except hes not really singing hes just kinda rhyming.

    then they’ll play don henly and then david bowie and then johnny mathis but the motown ones continue to stand out. the jackson five, smokey, and the temptations white christmas is unreal.

    even with all the selection, this Christmas i loaded up on heavy doses of elvis’s double christmas album. in the past it had been sinatra but this christmas i couldnt get enough of the king.

    last night i attended a christmas eve party at my old roommate chris’s venice home.

    we clinked glasses after acknowledging that hes come a long way after sleeping in the bottom bunk below me, an area that he dubbed Chris Land which he wrote on the mexican blanket that he used as a drape to provide him (and his girlfriend) privacy.

    chris has recently remodeled his two bedroom one bath home into a four bedroom three bath modern wonder complete with a koi pond and a slam dunk area for the kids.

    this morning i opened my presents and my mom had sent me flannel pajamas, sweaters, and candy, and my sister had sent me nirvanas box set. who says im hard to shop for?

    my truest called me and we discussed the greatest Christmas scamola of all time.

    she said that up in Oregon you can pay a guy dressed like Santa to come to your house and drop off gifts and i was thinking, why dont you buy a shit ton of gifts from SantaDeliveryDude.com and for an extra $25 he will deliver them on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but youve gotta set it up two weeks before Christmas.

    Then you hire all the Santas that you’re gonna need and pay them $10 a house. shit, those dudes will go to way more than 10 houses. and what they can say is, “ho ho ho, billy, we seemed to have forgotten a gift. i think rudolph kicked this out of the sleigh.

    and santa hands over the gift to little billy who falls over in disbelief

    and santa pats him on the head

    walks out of the house and into the awaiting limo.

    Merry Christmas from halftime of the laker game.

    im off to santa monica to munch on an organic turkey and then pick karisa up at the long beach airport.

    feel free to keep signing in below. its awesome.

  3. Friday, December 24, 2004

    Christmas Eve Census 

    Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all the wonderful readers of the busblog.

    Feel free to leave your greetings in the comments below

    and when you do, i invite you to leave your age/sex/location

    and if you really want to go for it, aslo let me know how you got to this page, what you’d like to see more of in 2005 and what you’d like to see less of.

    Feliz Navidad!

  4. Thursday, December 23, 2004

    shabooty interviewed me 

    the other day and has the whole thing up.

    below i have cherry picked some of my favorite questions/answers, feel free to read the interview in its entirety here. ps its loooong.


    Q. With your success, do you expect to see more blogs follow your footsteps with cafepress?

    A. in order to have a blog work in a book there needs to be stories, not just “went to work today, those bastards…” so hopefully people will start writing more narritive tales about their daily lives so they could put together a book. plus you need a lot of material. most people dont write every day, so it could take years for them to have enough good posts to do it. so hopefully it will inspire people to

    post more often too.

    there are a few blogs who i would love to see put together a book: raymi, flagrant, and sk smith. i would buy any of those books immediately.


    Q. Will there be a How to Blog 2005? (One ever year?)

    A. I put together the first blook two years ago. i had plans about making one last year but i didnt feel happy with the material. im glad i waited two years cuz i think that How To Blog only has good posts. I wouldnt want a book with clinkers.

    I do hope to put out a book of my political posts in 2005 but it might not happen cuz i dont even want to think about politics for a while let alone have to go through all that old crap any time soon.

    I also hope to put together a small book of my old poems. This Christmas is the 10th anniversary of my favorite book of poems, Ilka, so maybe i will do something nice to celebrate that this spring. but dont hold your breath.

    i also am interested in making a book of emails. also a book from my secret blog. and also a book of pure sex stories.

    but im really lazy and hyper critical so if we get another collection

    of blog posts by 2006 then i would consider that an accomplishment.


    Q. Also, does cafepress check copyrights (eg. images, etc)?

    A. Suprisingly yes. They have a legal department that needs written proof.


    Q. What is your dream job?

    A. Blogger at the Playboy Mansion.


    Q. Fill in the blank… Blogging is a _______ dollar industry.

    A. not to be evasive, but its not an industry yet. there are a few companies making decent money through blogs (BlogAds, PayPal, Amazon, Google), and maybe 150 blogs, but that doesnt really an industry make.

    and as much as i would like to blog for a living, im not sure blogs and ads and money should be combined in the traditional sense – even though theyre doomed to.

    if people spent as much time writing and experimenting as they do in getting hits and making money, the blogosphere would be a better place. im sure my little schemes only add to the problem but i never said i wasnt a hypocrite.


    Q. How patient do new bloggers have to be to really get heard and recognized?

    A. Through blogging you can learn a lot of things and patience is one

    of the great traits. New bloggers and old bloggers should give up on

    the concept of being heard or recognized and instead simply focus on

    speaking from their hearts. The Velvet Underground weren’t heard or

    recognized during their reign but they kept making records. Thank God

    they didnt give up right away. The same could be said for Van Gogh and

    Sonic Youth.

    If your purpose of writing a blog is to get popular and rich, odds are

    your blog is going to suck and you will get neither goal. If you

    simply want to write every day then its a great thing. If you want to

    practice your writing, it cant be beat. But popularity many times

    makes no more sense in the blogosphere than it does in real life so

    just think about the new kids at high school who were obviously trying

    to be popular: they always looked like kissasses. dont be one of them.

    be yourself.


    Q. We know you are big on Cobain but, who is your favorite rapper?

    A. Ad Rock, Ice Cube, Eminem, Dr. Dre. four-way tie.


    Q. What do you say to Howard Stern who says male bloggers are a

    little…nehh..fruity? (and to paraphrase, female bloggers=yentas)

    A. I’m a huge fan of Howard’s. If you recall his last book was called

    Miss America and on the cover he is wearing a dress and makeup, so if

    he wants to call anyone fruity i guess he has the right to say so

    under the old rule of “it takes one to know one.”

    btw i dont think Howard or Robin know very much about bloggers, with

    all due respect. he also said that in the wake of him shutting down

    his overly-popular message board. Howard could easilly be the king of

    the internet but he seems to be spooked by it pretty quickly, and

    thats understandable, he’s a control freak, and the web doesnt like to

    be controlled, ask aol or yahoo.


    Q. What is your blogging process…

    A. I go to work and do my thing until its time to take a break, then i

    write whatever comes to my head that doesnt suck. i try to do this

    before 11am for the east coasters. then i try to write something

    before or right after lunch. then i try to write something before i

    go to sleep at night, again, for the east coasters. i barely re-read,

    and i rarely edit or spell check. not cuz im cocky, but because im

    critical and if i look at it and hate it i will obsess and i might

    delete it. the point of blogging is to write and hit publish and duck.

    not to go back and tinker and poke at the zits.

    josh (pictured) + shabooty + jozjozjoz + dick shagwell

  5. someone emailed me complaining 

    that i havent really told a lot of bible stories this Christmas season, and it’s true, i havent told any.

    metafilter had an interesting debate yesterday and someone said that Christmas isnt really a holy season, it’s a holy day. that the bastardization and commercialation of Christmas has turned it into a season as opposed to a day.

    with that said, i dont see any problems with talking about the birth of Jesus a few days before his birthday.

    right now for example it would be pretty scary if i was Joseph and Mary with nowhere to go and the Messiah about to be born. one of my favorite characters in the bible is Joseph and his inability to do the ONLY thing that he had to regarding the son of man: find a place for Mary to deliver the infant.

    to me that makes the story believable, and very Homer Simpson moment to fail at finding a proper inn or crashpad for the son of God.

    i also like that King Herod was after the little baby Jesus the minute he was born and pissed that he was even born in the first place.

    but my favorite passage in the birth of Jesus is when Joseph found out that his virgin wife was pregnant. in a word he flipped out.

    18This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. 19Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

    20But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. 21She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus,[c] because he will save his people from their sins.” – Matthew 1:18

    to me this makes sense and makes me believe in the virgin birth story because it seems very realistic that a religious man like Joseph would be really pissed/confused/angry if he found out that he married a woman who is suddenly pregnant.

    anyway, thats my two cents this morning. i hope your Christmas Eve eve is magical and great.

    bored housewife (pictured) + sk smith + my virgin bride moxie

  6. two years ago 

    this week

    she was from another planet. plainly. probably another time as well. her private parts had a sort of suction going on that was equal parts creepy/wrong and omg/omg.

    her name was <3

    i said, less than three?

    she said, i dont make fun of your name, please dont make fun of mine.

    i agreed and the suction continued.

    when she kissed me i time traveled in my mind. except i had no control of where i went.

    because my luck is sometimes rotten, i ended up in the gift shop of the smithsonian in 1989. i wanted to look around the museum, but it was after hours and i didnt have full control of my feet.

    when we stopped kissing i came back to earth. or wherever it was that i was.

    i opened my eyes and four of her hands retracted quickly. without moving her head she looked up and to the right and began whistling a carefree tune.

    we went back to kissing and i time traveled into the very near future. exactly what i was resisting. i tried to pull away from the caress but i phsyically couldnt.

    it was judgement day. two rows of white men with long white beards and pitchforks sat to the right of me while two rows of black men with long white bears and lightening bolts sat to the left of me.

    the opening strains of hells bells were being played and two giant feet and legs that reached into the heavens stood in front of me.

    everything was happening via esp.

    how dare you!

    im so sorry.

    why didnt you?

    laziness. sloth. igorance. selfishness. fear of success. assholeness. apathy. fear. pride. age.

    you will ruin the mix.

    i know it.

    you never went to church.

    it was so dull.

    you could have taken over.

    i could have?

    why do you think you were ordained?

    cuz you needed me?

    pride! i dont need you.

    cuz you wanted me to?

    and what do you do when you dont get what you want?

    i bitch.

    no whiners in heaven.


    hasta, fucker.

    one of the feet rose. it looked to be made of cement. he wore sandals. a shadow blanketed me, blotting me out of sight.

    she pulled away shreiking. i had bitten into one of her tounges.

    someone busted through the door on a pale horse and swept

    suddenly alone

    and dreading the inevitable future.

    fuzzy co (pictured) + tiffany + buzzmachine + xtx

  7. Wednesday, December 22, 2004

    raymi is in my top three of all bloggers. 

    it moves around all the time. she might be number one. its hard to say.

    today i went to her page, something i do probably 10 times a day and there was my dumb picture with ms brooke burke! and there was raymi writing about me and saying nice things.

    Christmas has arrived early!

    she says that everyone sucks my dick and she says that in todays post she is sucking it, but its funny i dont consider complimenting someone sucking them off, but what do i know.

    then she called me gay which is funny.

    oh raymi. oh queen of canada. oh topless girl from another world. im glad you got your book and you like it. im glad that you liked seeing your name on the pages where your name is.

    im glad youre blogging like a madwoman right now. im glad that you keep taking pics of yourself in your karoke bars and on the throne and naked in the mirror.

    people try to imitate you raymi but they fail. plus they dont have your guts. plus they dont have your confidence.

    and they sure as shit dont get topless.

    which is ashame.

    i was hoping youd start a little trend.

    maybe it would spread across the great white north and then head south, but it sure hasnt worked out that way.

    oh raymi.

    i want to tell you to move to hollyweird but you might be better off being a big fish in a small pond. which isnt to say that you wouldnt kick the shit out of everyone here in LA but im not so sure they would appreciate you.

    no one is really appreciated here.

    LA is where you get discovered, but you wont get any love here. the love you will get will be from away from here.

    Weezer came her to make it big and i was here and i didnt even hear about them until after they made it.

    think about that. those motherfuckers had that blue album and nobody cared until iowa cared and mtv. thats so not right.

    raymi sleep tight.

    p.s bring back your comments

    bicycle mark + your little personality + jess

  8. youd think on the slow days 

    id be able to knock out three or four posts before lunch, but there are no slow days at the xbi.

    the boss is away and the mice will play but homie dont play and tony plays less.

    the demons are in my head and they say things like you write to much about yourself, and your shit aint all that great anyway and you dont know how to play fantasy hoops and your house is a mess and your sink is a mess and youre a mess.

    oh but do the demons know all the right things to say. and im not sad, im happy actually, which is the best time to talk about the demons. im happy cuz hardly anyones at the office and that means that chopper one isnt flying. it means that i get to do paperwork all day and guess what, aint much paperwork to do today.

    so me and john woo are gonna go over to the Grove and have lunch and maybe stop off over at the Apple Store and laptop shop


    i think i have found the perfect laptop for me the HP Pavilion ZD7000 which has a monster 17″ screen

    This model is configured with a 3.06GHz Pentium 4 processor, a 1MB L2 cache, a 60GB hard drive and 512MB PC2700 DDR SDRAM (expandable to 2GB). In addition to the 800MHz front bus speed, the zd7140 contains one Type I/II/III PC Card slot, a 5-in-1 Digital Media reader and a 2X (max. speed) DVD/CD-RW combo drive. For your communications needs, it offers three integrated solutions: a 56K V.92 modem, a 10/100 Ethernet comtroller and 802.11b/g wiress. The nVidia GeForce FX Go5200 graphics with 64MB DDR VRAM produces knockout images on the 17″ TFT display, supporting resolutions up to 1440 x 900. You’ll love the 16-bit Sound Blaster Pro-compatible audio with internal Harman Kardon speakers. The zd7140 comes with full-size keyboard, a touchpad, a rechargeable Li-Ion battery pack and an AC adapter. Windows XP Home Edition is pre-installed.

    only reason im getting a laptop is so i can surf/blog from the comfort of my couch, so as to take it easy on my back/arms/carpal tunnel.

    i can get one of these puppies refurbed for $1250 which is about $400 cheaper than what HP is selling them for new.

    and ive always been a fan of refurbs that have manufacturers warrantees.

    let me know if you have a better computer out there.

    and take it easy with the “yo yo you gotta get a Mac, g.”

    cuz i dont really want a mac.

    theyre for girls


    ben + isou + happy birthday whatthefukc

  9. Tuesday, December 21, 2004
  10. karisa has been letting me use her truck 

    while shes out braving the bitter cold of new england, and because of that i have been able to listen to talk radio in the morning and in the evenings.

    what ive noticed is there arent any normal people talking about normal things.

    youve got your general hotheads and fake howard sterns, the people who repeat news, the people who rehash sports rumors, etc. then you have the npr stations who tell you about all the sad little tales that make you feel guilty for even having a refridgerator.

    if youre lucky to live in a big city you might have a commercial alternative radio station that will play something off green days first album

    but mostly you hear commercials.

    only reason i really wanted to have a car again was for talk radio, so i havent missed jack, apparently.

    karisas truck is rad cuz its an xterra and it has a great dent in the front and its messy in the back so you can drive it around with no fear of either dirtying it or scratching it, and if i ran Ford i would do like what Levis did with their pre-washed jeans and have pre-scratched vehicles so you wouldnt have to worry.

    when i had my explorer all i did was worry.

    why spend $20k to worry?

    as ive grown up ive realized that real freedom and real peace of mind comes when you dont have shit to stress out about.

    therefore being a childless bachelor with no mortgage or car payment has made me extremely chill.

    only thing that stresses me out occassionally is the j-o-b but im college edjumacated, if they fire me im sure i could get a gig somewhere else so fuck em.

    and the first gig that i would apply for would be the afternoon talk radio guy. the guy who doesnt have to worry about the rush hour listeners and doesnt have to worry about the morning listeners.

    all i would have to do is compete with that big fat idiot rush limbaugh

    and you can beat him by talking normal

    about normal things.

    like lonely housewives who want to tell me sexy stories from their bathtubs and hottubs or convertibles cruising down pch on winter solstice when its seventy degrees outside.

    i think that would make for decent radio.

    and before we do traffic and weather together, heres some new green day.

    anti (pictured) + bored housewife + more please