nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, December 21, 2004

    well here we are a few days before Christmas 

    and the busblog book How To Blog has been on sale for less than a month.

    the results?

    120 books sold thus far.

    so yes, now i am a millionaire.

    thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU!

    whats intersting about doing it this year through cafepress is that they tell me the name and country or state of the purchasers and its awesome to see that people from the carribean are buying this bad boy and people from europe and asia and even florida and texas are picking up my masterpiece.

    it’s also nice to see so many unfamiliar names. im not sure if that means that people are using stolen credit cards but, whatever works, right?

    having a book gives you an excuse to get on tv shows and radio shows and sadly its been busy at the xbi so i havent been able to persue those avenues as much as i probably could have, but being rich and famous has never been the goal of anything surrounding the busblog. the goal has been to put out good shit and impress the ladies. period.

    it’s always good to remember why youre doing things.

    and strangely this book might help me get into grad school, which im applying for as we speak.

    life is so different for the college applicant. today i ordered my transcripts from my various colleges and i was able to do it all online. how awesome! if only i could do everything online.

    maybe in the year 2000.

    so anyway, for everyone who bought my book online. thank you. for everyone who sent me money and had me send them books, thank you.

    and for all the fly girlies who knock on my doors and windows whose intentions are not always good, thank you so much.

    and for all of you who plan on buying the book after the holidays, thank you in advance.

    all of this has been a successful venture into self publishing that i mostly enjoyed doing, and now will probably do again.

    there are some bugs that need to be ironed out, but theyre tiny bugs. teeny bugs. bugs so small i cant even believe how small they are, but they need to be worked out.

    and next time, i promise to write an even better book.

    you can always be better.

    well, maybe you cant be better, but i can.

    ask anyone.

    the state im in (pictured) + kitty bukkake + flagrant

  2. a pre-christmas email from Karisa 

    who writes us from mass


    how are you? i miss you very much!! i am in massachusetts right now and it is FREEZING! i have had a crazy weekend so far! i got in on friday night and ended up going to elizur’s to hang out with my brothers. that place seems kind of dead & ghetto these days. weird vibe.

    but kelly came (with her friend kelly)- and at one point we were hanging with my bro matt (and his friend matt) and then we left and went dancing downtown springfield to this club, rain. it is the same club that we used to go to 10 years ago- but with the new name to reflect the times. when i went there back in college, it was called the ‘hot club’. the music was TERRIBLE. i don’t know if i have heard a lot of jamaican techno in my life- but apparently it is the thing at this place! and i think the kids might like it! we went to the 80’s/90’s room and it just made it seem like i never left. i did lemon drop shots and danced and danced!

    on saturday, i woke up an my sister was pissed at me b/c i didn’t call her. my mom told me on friday night that my sister left b/c she “didn’t want to hang out w/a bunch of 30 year-olds”… so i figured that meant she didn’t want to go out- even though i am NOT 30 yet!!! apparently, she just meant she didn’t want to go to elizur’s. so i asked her why she didn’t call me… and she made it clear that I was

    supposed to call her. nevermind that both my brothers and kelly called me. i swear she is absolutely insane. i apologized for the miscommunication but she is still pissed at me…. whatever.

    so kelly picked me up on saturday and we went to see kerrie in clinton! so fun! we started drinking at 5 and then partied until like 3:30a.m. i even saw becca too, which was very fun! we chilled all day yesterday and then kelly and i drove back to holysmoke- and i encountered the worst snow storm i have ever driven in. i thought i

    was tripping on acid at one point and that the car was standing still and the snow was the only thing moving. i think i had 3 mini-heartattacks!

    it is so good to hang out w/kelly and kerrie. kelly and i didn’t even need the radio the entire time b/c we just talked and talked and talked.

    i have been fixing my parents computer all morning. they had like 112 spyware-related programs. wtf????

    i am about to do tae-bo right now b/c i need to work off all the crap i ate all weekend. if i lived here i would weigh 500lbs. seriously.

    tomorrow i am going to boston w/kerrie- i can’t wait!!!! i might have to steal my dad’s car though. i’m not worried- i think i am stronger than him and i have seen enough police chases in l.a. to know how to evade the police. they don’t have hellicopters here so it would be easy ;)

    it is hard to read your blog on this computer b/c they only have a dial-up. i am making them get dsl and a new computer before i leave. they have like a 3000 dollar tv… they can at least get something that doesn’t use windows 3.1 anymore ;) i miss you very much and can’t wait to hang out again!

    hope all is well!



    masslive + steph + treacher

  3. Monday, December 20, 2004

    on days like today 

    ones where i sit at my desk and do deskwork, days when im not flying chopper one, people will walk by and say

    shit tony, why are you still here?

    everyone around me has either died or quit or got shot, and ive shot a few of em.

    and theres no serious chance of moving up and why would you want to anyway.

    the other day someone from accounting came by and said

    i know what you make.

    and shes definately cute and i was all, but you dont know how much i steal

    and she sang, oh yes i doooooo

    apparently everyone knows if i steal i give it to the kids nearby

    or the hollywood free clinic.

    and i was all, fine, how much do i make. knowing that she knew.

    and she said, shit.

    but one thing ive noticed in california is that the rich arent rolling around town spilling champagne on their tuxedos laughing so loud their monocles pop out and their top hats tumble.

    the rich are just as fucked up as anyone.

    and i say that seriously. totally not jealously.

    and maybe its LA where you might have a fucking sweet pad right in the heart of bel air but you aint shit cuz some other motherfucker has one on the beach in malibu, but then someone else has one in the hollywood hills thats invisible or some shit.

    you cant win.

    and everyone drives the same mercedes.

    and everyone has the same pain in the ass fakebaked hottie on their arm.

    and no matter how great you think you are theres magic johnson walking past who has five rings, owns a half billion dollar company that includes franchises of Starbucks and TGIF, has his number hanging in the staples center, and beat aids.

    wtf have you done yuppie?

    and then hef walks past you

    and then dr. dre and snoop dogg

    the vast majority of the rich and the allegedly cool are just someone elses bitches here, everyone is owned cuz the bigger you want to get the more you have to sell out to someone freakier and this is the place where the prices are determined i mean where dreams come true, so deal.

    and everyones fucked but the poor.

    when less than zero came out i knew what it was about. i knew the dude named atiff. even back then in 84 atiff knew. all you have to do is look around and discover that this is the only big city where the mayor never matters and you’ll know why atiff looked at me, went into my bedroom, stole my acdc for those about to rock concert tshirt, levis, and converses and left behind a blaring yellow guicci 80s miami vice suit

    atiff who was introduced to my apartment thanks to my roommate david who had just gotten an job as an extra during the credits of rodney dangerfields classic back to school, hes the blonde jewish guy with the funny glasses.

    and i dont know why im still here i told the girl from accounting

    cute as a cute girl could be.

    and for some reason we both turned our eyes to the sunset

    and watched chopper one block the sun.

    and she said are you here for that?

    and i said fuck that.

    but only cuz i like saying fuck to things.

    why has noone told me that the reverse cowgirl is back? + on being jewish + brooks blog

  4. people who try to fix things that arent broken 

    fascinate me. especially in perfectly good places like the xbi.

    lemme put it this way: the xbi is so fucking tight and perfect that you can count the mistakes that ive made this year on one hand.

    think about that.

    i have a voice activated email system. i just archived this years emails and i stored away 7,500 emails. thats 25 a day or one every twenty minutes.

    that doesnt include all the phone calls that i get or all the regular conversations or meetings that i participate in.

    so if theres that much communication going on each day, and less than 5 things fell between the cracks, wouldnt you think that the powers that be would not only say, shit man, nice work, but they might even try to find out what the secret was?

    they dont wanna find out what the secret was. and if you ask them they will tell you that i just got lucky this year. even though last year youd have a hard time counting my mistakes on two hands.

    but no, they dont want to find out the secret of my success, in fact they want to alter the way that i do things even though they are well aware of the fact that ive totally dominated this year.

    so much so that the smile that was wiped off my face has returned

    with vengance.

    little known fact about the xbi: turnover is superhigh.

    nobody that was here two years ago is still here. thats how hard it is and how quickly people realize that its a thankless gig.

    some people even take paycuts and demotions to leave.

    as a matter of fact, no one who was here when i started has a better, higher-paying job within the xbi once they left the department that im in.

    so is Chopper One to blame? is it cursed? does it mean that any team member affiliated with Chopper One who wants an actual career should quit and join up with some civilian operation?


    especially when people who can, alter what is working.

    in fast-paced situations where mistakes can and do happen each day, i do not recommend changing shit that is working fine.

    which is why if i was the Cubs i would have re-signed Clement.

    it is also why i blog every day, twice a day:

    cuz its working for me.

    jaylex + sk smith + zulieka + miss poop

  5. abrasivist was nice enough to take a picture 

    of himself reading americas new favorite self published blook, how to blog.

    if you too have pics of you reading your copy, feel free to email it to busblog at gmail dot com and i will put it on the blog too

    and link yr ass.

    you know it’s good luck to have this book dont you?

    oh yeah.

    some say if you rub it on your bald spots you will grow hair.

    some claim that they are sending their copies to the middle east to spread world peace.

    your mileage may vary.

    but i hear the lakers all bought a copy after they found out the heat all bought copies and secretly say that it is the reason for their 8-game winning streak.

    all i gotta say is it cured my athletes foot.

    and im slightly taller now.

    in other news i sent my buddy ken layne the link to the blog that we discussed this weekend ganked my shit. he sent me back an email laughing saying, “no wonder they’re hiding that mess.”

    its nice to have friends.

    come back a little later today when we will have an email from our girl karisa who writes us from the frozen tundra of new england.

    abrasivist + if it seems like im linking raymi a lot its cuz she blogs alot + krix

  6. today is kristin’s twenty-second birthday 

    i wonder what she wants.

    i hope she knows she can have anything.

    i hope all of you know that.

    i knew kristin when she was just nineteen she reminds me. i knew her when she was just starting up madpony with her sister.

    now shes (still) a big star on the web, and i still get hits from her blog.

    shes better than me in so many ways and i dont blame the world.

    her life is a real one and its interesting and madpony is just the tip of the iceberg of her accomplishments and im glad ive gotten to know her a little more than than just from her blog.

    our oklahoman is super sweet, shes smart, she works hard, shes a great friend, shes a good sister, shes a great daughter, she does pretty much everything right, and she does it in that hot southern accent.

    just like the ramones was mostly johnny, madpony was mostly kristin so we probably shouldnt ask for more from her, but it wouldnt suck to get a comeback.

    i still dont know enough about sorority girl life in 2005, or what its like to go to a game in norman while their team is top rated and their fans are insane.

    or what things are like in her town now that they have to take on southern cal in the orange bowl where they will probably lose.

    im glad to learn about shopping and shoes and things like that, but i want even more.

    would it be so hard to ask for a photo essay sometime soon?

    we’re lucky to have what we have, and you must admit, there arent many kristins.

    happy birthday baby.

    your biggest fan,


    when adrants met kristin + whats your damage + beautiful mistake

  7. Sunday, December 19, 2004

    anyone but me 

    it sunk in this weekend that anna is married, for real this time, and’s never coming home.

    i dont know why it took so long for me to get it. probably because i have the greatest force field imaginable.

    other day this dude was hating on me. someone who i should care about hating on me, but i didnt care. i mocked his hate. i fed off it. i literally turned to rubber and he to glue. it was frightening.

    anna called on saturday in the best mood ive heard her in a long time. and i want the best for her. of course i do.

    but theres a part of me that still thinks that im the best for her. theres part of me that thinks, shit, astrology alone tells us that im the best for her. theres a part of me that thinks, definately in the sack im the best for her.

    she heard how i felt, my silence, and she began to cry, and said, maybe i know whats the best for me, and i said how do you say nonsense in russian.

    she laughed.

    then cried.

    then i wanted to cry.

    we hung up and i went through the short list of guys she went out with after me and how she sounded after each first date with them

    and i thought, anyone had a chance with her as long as they werent me.

    its ideas like that that’ll kill you the big bottle of rum said

    redesign the wall, the hookah smokesignaled

    use me moaned the porn

    but you must keep the sabbath holy

    so i just did my laundry

    and drove all night

    with the radio turned

    hella low

    17 seconds + rampant + britcoal

  8. have you ever noticed 

    that the dude in the classic carol “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” doesnt actually get to go home for Christmas?

    “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”

    (Gannon, Kent)

    I’ll be home for Christmas

    You can count on me

    Please have some snow and mistletoe

    And presents by the tree

    Christmas eve will find me

    Where the love light gleams

    Oh, I’ll be home for Christmas

    If only in my dreams

    My darling, Christmas eve will find me

    Right where the love light gleams

    And I’ll be home for Christmas

    If only in my dreams

    the Library of Congress tells us:

    On October 4, 1943, Crosby recorded “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” with the John Scott Trotter Orchestra for Decca Records. Within about a month of its being copyrighted the song hit the music charts and remained there for eleven weeks, peaking at number three. The following year, the song reached number nineteen on the charts.

    It touched a tender place in the hearts of Americans, both soldiers and civilians, who were then in the depths of World War II, and it earned Crosby his fifth gold record.

    “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” became the most requested song at Christmas U.S.O. shows in both Europe and the Pacific and Yank, the GI magazine, said Crosby accomplished more for military morale than anyone else of that era.

    the ohio vote was hacked + welch blogs from france + mc brown

  9. Saturday, December 18, 2004

    if you recall, a few months ago i went on a job interview 

    hain hopes to blog for a corporate web site.

    it wasnt like there was a sign in their window saying Blogger Wanted, i emailed them and told them that i was a blogger and i thought their site could benefit from a frequently updated blog.

    the interview didnt go well. the dude didnt seem very serious about blogs in general and/or me in particular, and i understood. big websites sometimes have long-range plans or changes in the works and even good new ideas sometimes dont match up with whats going on.

    which is why i was a little surprised when i got an email from the dude (as part of a group mailing) announcing, yep, a blog on their page.

    i tried to find it and had a hard time cuz there wasnt any mention of it in the main page. i did a search for it in the search box but because it was so new it hadnt made it in the results yet. so me and my pals just started clicking and eventually we found it.

    we found a very curious blog indeed.

    for some reason this website had decided to be incredibly unique in regards to blogging in that they listed the posts backwards. most blogs publish the most current post first, these folks put the oldest post first and made the reader click through to get to the most recent.

    for example, if this blog was set up like theirs, posts from 2001 would be here and to get to 2004 you’d have to scroll down to the bottom of this page and click-thru.

    for theives at least they’re original.

    so original that the blog goes from the past into the future! infact the more you click the more you see that their blogger somehow knows whats going to happen a few days from now, even a week from now! no wonder i didnt get the gig.

    or are they saying that the act of pro-blogging inspires the black powers of the occult? shit, i hope so, cuz all i ever got from amateur blogging was respect, chicks, and an ipod.

    i want to see into the future!

    so anyway, big company who chose to rip me off and link the sites that i told you about, and lay out the page like my presentation page, and cuss like i say to do in “how to blog”, and pretend that famous people wrote to you, and have your static pages just *look* like a blog, and all the other advice that you took to heart and all the other things you swiped from me:

    thank you.

    imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.

    and if one isnt going to get paid, being flattered isnt bad.

    but since its obvious that you have a long way to go in regards to blogging

    a loooooooooooooong way to go

    just know that my rate just went up when you decide to get serious, hire me as a consultant, and turn your back on tacky petty theft

    cuz it’s beneath you

    and thats where your new “blog” belongs.

    annika + virginia + tomdog bug

  10. if there was one place that i will live 

    outside of the usa one day, it will be amsterdam.

    ive visited three times and have only had great times there.

    so when our dutchgirl, justagirl, asked today what movies she should rent since she finds herself in the wonderful dilema of having to see fine films, i made a quickie little list of flicks that she might not have seen.

    although she probably has.

    the trick is to not just pick great movies, but ones that people probably havent seen before, and ones that might be at a video store in holland.

    sadly some of these probably wont be there, but you never know.

    1. Buffalo ’66

    2. Gummo

    3. Brazil

    4. My Life As A Dog

    5. His Girl Friday

    6. My Man Godfrey (’57)

    7. The General (’27)

    8. Joe Versus The Volcano

    9. Don’t Look Back (’67)

    10. Starstruck (’82)

    11. Welcome to the Dollhouse

    12. Party Girl

    13. Rushmore

    14. Lost In Translation

    15. 400 Blows

    16. The King of Comedy

    17. Being John Malkovich

    18. Diner

    19. Do The Right Thing

    20. American History X

    21. Time Bandits

    22. A Clockwork Orange

    23. Raising Arizona

    24. This Is Spinal Tap

    25. Animals Are Beautiful People

    evil urls rule! + raymi + doc searls