busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, December 31, 2005
  2. Friday, December 30, 2005

    in the old days i would be here in this little motel 

    with a pipe still smoking on the nightstand next to a demolished bag of puffed cheetos and a half full can of diet soda and the music on and the heater on and a soiled hand towel in a forgotten corner so one doesnt accidentally step on the dna and a wet shower still hot from ultra hotness and a frantic and unsuccessful hunt for chocolate.

    if 2005 has brought one suprising thing to this little blogger it would have to be that for some reason i stopped smoking weed. a shocker if ever there was one since i still have fond feelings for the magical herb that grows in the ground that not even the Bible has any problem with. but thats me, other than the cubbies and my college friends i have an odd way of throwing away the things that i like.

    so instead of being the stony tony in coos bay tonight im phoney the sober blogger and i hope that i dont disappoint. i wont blog about this $59 room or the scariness of it, or the fact that i, even i, dont want to walk on the carpet without slippers (which i always travel with), and even though it smelled musty that was instanly cured with the tea lights that i told you to bring and now you know why, and i wont tell you about the paper thin walls that allow you to hear the neighbors hack as they smoke their crack, or the trucker sports bar filled with motorcyclists who love to rev their hogs right outside my door and shockingly dont kick my ass when i open the door and give em the international wtf sign of both arms out to the side palms up.

    ive got a few ass kickings coming my way but today it appears is not the day. but the weather got me. thats for damn sure.

    the 101 was closed right below where i blogged during my late lunch and it didnt re-open. “major landslide” the website proclaimed, so i turned around and drove north against my best wishes.

    the plan today had been to try to drive 10 hours so i could be home tomorrow afternoon in time to take pictures of people waiting outside in pasedena for the rose parade because for some reason i take better night pics than day pics and instead of learning my trade i just play off my strengths, cuz seriously, why improve at anything? it’ll only lead to mo money hos and ripped up panty hose.

    the trip up here to western oregon was uneventful and beautiful. i like driving in the darkness. i like driving through small towns and pretending that everyones like those hillbillies in the simpsons. i like stretches of highway where you can turn on your brights and not have to turn them off for a half hour. i like pissing in the cold and watching a steaming arch of bright yellow and wondering how the hell did it get so bright?

    i like being able to sit in this room for hours and read all of your blogs. yes even yours. i like catching up. i like being on the road but its a pain in the ass cuz no one has the internet the way i like it except for this motel that has a lot of strikes against it cuz you get what you pay for and the best western in $80 so if youre gonna be cheap and save $22 its gonna be tiny and a lil stinky and coughy and ewwwy and one table is gonna have a mini fridge on top of it and the desk is gonna have the microwave on it but instead of complaining complainer at least you have those things and speeding fast wifi and two wall lamps right above the headboard to bash your head on four times which would have been fourty times if youd smoked out.

    i have a good life and i know it. i have a long drive tomorrow and i know it. the question is will i be able to get out of oregon? the 101 where im now is closed in two places cuz of ma nature, and if i get cocky and scoot over to the 5 its snowing up there and closed and fucked up too. which means i can try to balls it on the 199 inbetween but those are like narrow roads guaranteed to have falling trees and mud and rock and at least three four gnomes washed up under a bridge being ravished by woodland creatures whove been dying to eat their revenge.

    while perusing your blogs i see that people are wishing their readers a happy new year but hi its not the new year yet, its still the old year, a good year because we got to see truly how evil this administration is, and how liberal this press is (not much since theyre not asking for his head), and how fucked up radio is for letting howard stern show them up again and again and again, and how crappy todays sounds are and how lame modern filmmaking in america is.

    when i was thinking of the things i want in 2006 the first thing i thought of was i want a girlfriend and i had forgotten that i had a gf in 2005 and even though it started off nice it didnt end very nice and so maybe i dont want a girlfriend in 06, maybe i want to be single for a year and just mingle although mingling doesnt really do it for me either, how about this, maybe i want to meet a girl who is all the things i like tomboyish sexy mellow horny and hungry. it wouldnt hurt if she likes to wear a bikini 24/7 but you cant have everything.

    and even though its almost 2am and i might just have to stay here for tomorrow night too i should hit the hay because i might get lucky tomorrow morning and get the heck outta town. this town that doesnt even have a movie theatre. for i still havent seen walk the line.

    pray for no red x’s on the 101 and/or the 5

  3. left umpqua at noon and those back woods were sloppy 

    and muddy and wet and flooded and trees had fallen and people were driving way too fast for my liking.

    but I made it down to where I needed to cut off from the 5 to scoot across Oregon to the coast.

    see the 5 was closed in the siyskuu mountains near lake Shasta on account of the rain and the snow and the flash floods and junk like that so my assignment was to make it behind umpqua and go west young man.

    that country was crazy cuz it was poor and even more floody and even less to do than in roseburg and you saw cars all chopped up in people barns and crazy stores but mostly you saw people spraying water on both sides of their trucks cuz of the floody roads.

    I let them spray and went around the small lakes on the road.

    all was going well until I made it half way across the cutacross when the river had swollen and flooded all these farms. it was so light brown and impressive that even the locals were pulling over to the side to see it.

    which is pretty scary cuz you don’t want to be driving down a road and see people pulled over cuz your first thought is “tree down” or “huge flood”. fortunately it was none of those things, except when it was and you either drive around the tree or drive super slow through the deep muddy water.

    and then I passed a carmel colored cow that had died in a flooded ditch and I nearly cried right there cuz the animals seemed to be going on with their normal practice of eating and pissing and shitting but my buddy either collapsed under his own weight or took a spill and never got up.

    I was sad for a good 15 minutes.

    then the road took me up up up above the clouds and that cheered me up cuz those trees are so big up there, and before I knew it I was at the ocean and it was spectacular and I pulled over and took some pictures which turned out to be too bright and just then karisa called me to find out where I was and we chatted and I pulled back onto the road and then traffic stopped because of a road block because of a rockslide and I turned around and found a little coffee shop restaurant playing bob Dylan equipped with free wifi and that’s where im writing you from right now.

    normally I would have eaten chicken fried steak but in honor of cowy Im eating an open faced turkey sandwich with homemade mashed potatoes and gravy wondering if they’ve cleared those rocks cuz I hear word of another storm approaching and id sure like to be on the other side of this Oregon border afore that one comes.

    id answer all your questions in your comments but I have to drop the kids off at the pool and then get back on that roadway.

    the picture of the pickup truck was where they turned us around and the picture of the ocean is of the ocean.

    mom if youre reading this don’t be scurrred. as Christians we believe that He’s got the whole world in His hands, and that includes me and this blue Toyota and I seriously doubt He’d kill me right after the Sox won the world series.

    i mean, really.

  4. Thursday, December 29, 2005

    well the vacation is winding down. 

    here i am back in umpqua oregon. today chris and i walked through the woods and down by the river. the river is brown from the runoff from the mountains and high on the banks and as john lee hooker or robert johnson can tell you, when the river is high weird shit starts floating down it.

    branches, trunks, car parts, bodies. but its all good cuz its channukah and kwanza and the year is winding down.

    she and i went to a campsite and to an indian burial ground and said some prayers. i love the woods. i love the country. when it rains here i dont care. when its sunny here i dont care. when its sunny here i dont care. i probably dont care cuz theres no billboards.

    in the city you care cuz if you cant read the billboards your sense of perspective is off. whereas in the woods if you cant see the snowtopped mountains in the distance you can see the green hills close to you. or you can see the moss covered trees right up next to you or appreciate the ferns in the shadows below, or the natural waterfalls shooting out of the side of the roads or the cows grazing or the deers running or the ribbits frogging or the trucks speeding around the bend.

    tomorrow im gonna take the 5 all the way down and probably stop off near sactown but secretly i dont wanna stop anywheres cuz what i wanted to see ive seen. what i wanted to do ive done. who i wanted to find ive found. im an american without a passport, thats who i be. im a black man with an antitan, thats who i am. im a satisfied customer of sirius satelite. im a buzznetter, im a blogger, im a drive thruer im a two fer tuesdayer.

    im a tourist and a poet and a gawker and and rockr, i eat fish on fridays and fry on thursdays. i wear hats in the winter i wear jeans in the summer i see i saw i be i are.

    i rock my ipod so much it gets tired. i drive places that verizon cant cover, can you hear me now? no. good.

    this must be the place.

    mr good says that the new busblog wont be ready by the first of the year and thats ok with me because the old busblog needs to get its shit together before its kissin cousin is unleashed upon the world and theres many miles to go before i sleep.

    do i wanna go back to work on monday? you call that work?

    do i wanna get married soon and settle down? do i wanna dance? do i know the way to san jose? do i know its Christmas? who the hell knows who the hells cares. life is like a road trip its better when you realize that youre alone even if someone is sitting next to you, and sometimes its better to go it alone cuz then you can go to kurt kobains house if you wanna or pick up hitchhikers if you wanna or stop off in tacoma for karaoke if you wanna or get lost in canada if you wanna or sleep in outside of salem if you wanna or hang out with your old girlfriend and walk in the woods if you wanna.

    and yes i love girlfriends and of course i love kids but theres a reason why that off ramp hasnt approached yet and to be honest as i can possibly be, im happy it hasnt happened cuz its trips like these at 113 years old that i wouldnt have appreciated as much when i was 21.

    people are writing their top ten lists of music and movies and i dont have ten records that i liked let a lone loved in music. tsar and kanye and the game is about it. and movies? the only one i can remember really liking was king kong.

    tv was way better than music and movies this year. i know thats not indie to say but fuck off. Lost was better than the new Weezer even during those weak episodes.

    Big Brother was good, Real World was good, the Amazing Race was amazing. Daily Show, Family Guy, Countdown on MSNBC, Conan, even Pardon The Interruption was better than half the crap i was forced to listen to.

    so now theres chicken being baked for me and theres a promise of a movie afterwards at the end of a dark drive through the crooked country roads of Roseburg.

    tomorrow i will write to you from Shasta Lake and if its clear i will show you some of those snowtopped mountains the kinfolk swear are up there.

    hope your day was as fine as mine.

    via mefi, a funny christmas card (funny cuz the sender’s serious)

  5. yes i was definately a trucker in a past life 

    its 923am and ive got the travel chanel on and these two european hos are talking about zurich and im looking out my window at the 5 and ive gotta tell you i feel way more comfortable in a motel next to a truck stop thinking about getting an ultimate breakfast sandwhich and driving for a few hours than i do at some euro disco with chicks with freaky accents.

    last night when i was checking in the lady asked me what nationality i was, since yesterday was prove youre american day, i had to prove that i was Black to the woman who didnt believe me.

    so just like how i had to rap to jenny and matt yesterday (i forget why) i busted with a

    yo tell em where youre from

    straight outta compton crazy mothafuckr named ice cube
    in a gang called niggas with attitudes
    when im called off, ive got a sawed off
    squeeze the trigga and bodies are hauled off
    you too boy if you fuck wit me
    the police are gonna have to get me
    going off like a motherfucker like that
    with a gat thats pointed at your ass
    so give it up fool, when im down with a jack move…

    and just like now i forgot the words and so she didnt believe me
    so i dropped my drawers.

    and still she didnt believe me

    so i robbed her.

    which is when the car wouldnt start until i popped the hood, etc.

    driving down to whereever i am now, im still wondering, how do you prove to someone that youre who you are other than dropping your pants? i still havent figured it out other than to say i dont know you, i wouldnt lie to you, plus its a fucked up question and i dont know why youd ask someone that one minute after saying hello to them anyway.

    ok so the other reason im posting this picture is every time i look at the weather channel they have all these radar images of the pacific northwest like totally under water. then i turned on the tv and theres images of shit totally flooded and people swimming in the new lakes.

    and i hate to break it to you, especially you mom who is probably very nervous that her only son is in dangerous flood country, but the only clouds in the sky are skinny soft afterthoughts of a storm. maybe it was wet earlier this week, but its not this morning and i cant even believe that people were comparing the weather to el nino which is french for “in the winter it rains, duh.”

    i hate this woman whose the host of this travel chanel show. she tries to be witty. shes wearing bright colors and a messenger bag. shes telling people how to poop in florence. wtf.

    heres how to poop on the I-5, find yourself a nearly abandoned subway sandwich place and tell the lady that you’ll get a coke after you use the mensroom and she’ll say oh you dont need to buy a coke to use that and she’ll buzz you into the restroom and give you a little wink which you will obsess over as you do your business and wonder if that means that you should ask her when she gets off.

    winks. thats what this travel ho oughtta be talking about. when and when not to wink at lonely tavellers with kfc bellies and macncheese dreams.

    wait wait this woman is staying in a hotel that charges $750 a night!!! what is this all about? she just opened the balcony to her room and shes right on the river.

    dude im right on the freeway. and a womens basketball team was here last night, and they didnt ask if i was Black, the sistas know.

    meet you in the hottub i told them and winked.

    and theres very few sounds better than amazonian college girls giggling.

    jenny good + oakparkmastermind + matt welch + leah

  6. i dont know where i am. 

    i just know its a nice hotel, it has a 24 hour hot tub, lots of tv channels, a warm heater in the room, and lots of electrical jacks for my ipod alarm clock, and computer.

    and i know im super sleepy.

    and im suprised how far i can drive in the rain and the wind and the cold.

    my car likes to do a funny little trick that i call, “lets scare tony shitless”.

    when i bought this car this summer i got all these things fixed, one of them was to get new battery wires because the old ones were semi corroded, but the dude lubed up the connectors so slippery-like that sometimes they disconnect from the battery when youre going over bumpy roads.

    so as soon as i pulled into this motel the car wouldnt start when i wanted to start it up again.

    at this point it was pouring rain and all i wanted to do was go inside and hit the hay.

    but because i smoked pot every day for ten years my memory wasnt so good and i was all oh shit did i get lucky that this car died right here in the motel parking lot.

    so i got my bags and brought them inside the room and i went back to the car and popped the hood just to see if the wires were loose but they werent. plus its always freaky to touch a battery line or a post

    but just to make sure i raised my foot and tapped down on the battery cable with my sneaker and it sparked a little and i nearly had a heart attack.

    but the wire thing pushed down a little on the post and i went into the car and turned the key it started. whew.

    its a good carm it just likes to remind me whose boss.

    bro i know whose boss.

    springsteens the boss.

    although i had been listening to raw dog comedy which was cracking me up.

    tomorrow im headed back to umpqua for perhaps a little fishing.

    this has been a great trip and there are a few mvps so far… jack in the box for providing toilets for me to stink up, best western because 75% of their motels have given me free wifi, and the pants for getting my ass on the same stage as kurt kobain so i could sing a styx song for him.

    im very interested to see what howard 100 will be like when theyre actually allowed to have the howard cast and crew on the air because right now its mildly disappointing only hearing all this filler.

    i will say this though: the possibilities for the two channels are amazing.

    the above pic is of the us/canadian border crossing more pics of it and vancity here

  7. Wednesday, December 28, 2005

    got lost right before the border 

    an> cuz i had to get rid of my canadian money
    then when i got to the border they wanted to do a “random” search of my car
    so i had to park, get out of the car, enter their building answer questions
    and then let them go through my entire car
    while i was in there i saw that of the people who had been asked
    to submit to this random search, no one was white, no one.
    then they came back and asked me again where i was going
    and why i had been in canada and why i was driving all the way up there
    from hollywood california and i said because i love to drive
    and they gave me my keys back and i was back on the road.
    im about an hour outside of portland now and its raining a little
    and im in the parking lot of a restaurant called
    kit carson
    that advertises a coffee shope AND a cantina room
    but i aint got time for that mess,
    ive got a lot of miles afore me and for some reason im not sleepy
    even though i havent really gotten a lot of sleep lately
    but they just played the entire 1975 LA Roxy Springsteen show
    on the Springsteen channel on sirius
    which was good cuz my ipod seems to be acting up.
    and the new INXS cd is stuck in the cd player of the radio
    which sux cuz matt gave me his greatest hits
    but at least i have sirius and the classic country station
    and of course talk radio
    and if things get really dull i could pick up a wet hitchhiker
    i suppose.
    and when he or she asks me my name i will say
    raymi le minx.
    pix later
    this hijacked wifi isnt letting me upload pix

  8. i think in my last life i was a truck driver 

    cuz when i wake up in a town i just want to get the hell out of it and move on, even though i have a nice crepe breakfast lined up with the goods in a half hour and then a pint with mr ciavarro, but deep down i want to drive to the border and see what sorta drama they wanna try to hand me.

    i want them to ask me all those wwII questions they asked people to find out if they were really american. like whos the president and who won the world series this year.

    fucking white sox won the world series this year.

    say it like that and not only do they know that youre an american but they’ll know youre a cub fan and youre in.

    im so dumb for leaving my passport in my breakfast nook. im so dumb for being 113 yrs old and not figuring out by now how to do these trips as my job. but if it was my job they would have deadlines on my shit. id have to have written something about seattle that was palpable for the masses and thats one of the beauties of paid advertising on blogs: the sponsors will pony up and you can lay out whatever you want.

    2005 was pretty good for the busblog, i invented 15 minutes with tony and probably a few other things ive forgotten about, but the secret plot for coming to vancouver was to get re-inspired for the new blog, the antibusblog, the second cumming.

    anyone can have one decent blog but to have two, well thats something the instapundit doesnt even have, and yes im talking about his msnbc afterthought and the pajamas media stillbirth.

    im listening to loretta lynns van lear rose and if i had a second blog this year i would know what the best records of 2005 were. but right now all i can think of is kanye and tsar. did anything else come out this year? beck? ha. matt didnt know that beck was a sceintology how can people not know that? when you live in hollywood they’ll approach you and i always tell them that when beck puts out a decent record i’ll think about it but as long as he keeps letting these yawners see the light then im out.

    the second blogs purpose is two fold, the first fold is to put all the stuff i should be blogging in a beautiful box that pops out like oragami and is easier searchable and pretty and proper and web 2.0, the other fold is to put all the stuff ive always wanted to write about in a familiar box that is slower to load and uglier and rougher and even more real.

    the other day matt wrote that he knows only two pure bloggers, me and raymi and thats pretty much the best compliment that i can get. but i know how much purer i can be. for example, what was the best porno i rented in 2005? service animals 18 of course. who was the best girl i fingered this year? anna kournikova of course. what was the best meal i ate this year, paris hilton of course. who has the weirdest life in the world, yours truly and im in a once cold hotel room in vancouver thats now too hot. and the musics too loud and the rooms too dark and my teeth needs brushing.

    even before matt showed me his blog post where he called me and raymi pure he said you dont need two blogs and i said i want the busblog to be more like raymi, more raw, more real, more punkrock more idontgiveafuck. best thing that ever happened to me was getting laid off by E! because even though i pretended not to give a fuck you have a strike against you when your boss wants you out and another strike against you when theres an HR department and another strike against you when everyone knows you have a bloog, so the only thing you can do is swing at a ball in the dirt and try to beat the throw at first.

    working for buzznet is still tricky because in a way i am a representative for that company and who knows if one day someone will say holy fuck tony pierce works for you and you let him say what his fingers smell like in his blog? what does that mean about your company? and the more i drive through the blue highways of america i see that its all about having your own thing that brings you your cash because then you can wear a tshirt under your overalls that has a picture of your middle finger. not that i have anything against working for marc brown, bro gave me these two weeks to find myself and meet some of you and drive drive drive. im just saying one day buzznet is gonna have an hr department and unless im sr vp of that department someones gonna say tony cant be writing what hes writing cuz its making our company look bad.

    which is ironic because nothing that i will ever write will be as bad as illegally spying on americans or sending boys to war over no wmds or spending without taxing or outting cia agents, but… and its sixteen minutes to crepes and as much as id like to keep writing here in the dark i have to wash my ass and check out of this mamajama and brush my teeth hopefully not in that order but if i dont write to you from oregon later tonight it means that they stopped me at the border and wouldnt let me cross but theres far worse places to be stuck than in vancouver where i still have yet to see an ugly girl.

  9. its 334am im in vancouger 

    and because im supposed to be asleep and cuz imn a little bit drunk i will make this a 15 minutes with tony and we’ll call it a night.

    first of all i must tip myh cap to the good people of elimitaste, the gum people who have sent me gum and advertised on my blog… well tonight they paid for a tank of gas for the road trup, so thanks fellas and thanks to0 jeanene who had something to do with it too. im confuesed.

    had a hard time getting across the boarder. dont ever drive across the boarder. first they make you form two lines of cars. then they dont let either move for a good 15 minutes, then they ask you fore a passport. i was all wtf i dont need no stinking passport to leave my damn country in a CAR. but they swore you do now. so i say alls i got is this drivers license. and they say a dl isnt proof of citizenship.

    i was all, since when? ive been to mexico a hundred times… anyways they let me into canada and now im a little nervous about making back into america tomorrow but if worse comes to worse i’ll just friggin go to the vancouver airport and have my buddy at homeland security deport me back to america.

    so tonight for some reason i thought i had made plans with smelly danielly but when that didnt happen i called up both matt good and chad ciavarro and left messages and took a shower. when i got out of the showere murphys law they both wanted to do something so since matt was right around the corner he his wife and their friend from colorado all ate sushi on granville. then back to their place for port and wine and board games and petting of the dogs.

    then i raomed the streets of vancity which was fun because it made me feel superior becasue drunkards are dumbshits. this one kid seriously punched the glass window of this store and broke it. but the fucker did it right in front of TWO cops! he was all, i was just testing the durability of this window.

    dur… so they handcuffed him as his friends called him a jackhole.

    then this one guy started puking around the cornerl, then this other guy asked me for money. then i went to a pizza place and ordered a slice and had to listen to these two guys swear that there was no cheese on these pizza slices.

    so lets wrap this up by saying i talked to my mom on the phone when i was in seattle and i was gasping at how gorgeous that city is. i have no idea how kurt could have killed himself. life is a mystery, above is me singing karoke to pants last night in tacoma. i sucked but f0rtunealy others sucked harder. pants ruled. she was the hosue favorite.

    next year im gonan have two blogs. matt is designing tghe other oen. this one is gonna be dirtieer and sexier and im gonna say fuck more. the other one is gonna be more straighht laced.

    im gonna do it for two reasons. fiorst is cuz this one is blocked by lo0ts of servers, so if people are gonna block me then i may as well put titties on here and write porn reviewes and talk more about all the loads of sex i get.

    the other one will be more about things i dont talk about here that i should, like spoorts and politics and movies i see and general thoughts that i have like about this sirius satalite radio that ive been listening to almost the entire trip. its fucking insane. today i started listening to the comedy channels fior once. RAW DOG is dirty comedy like chappelle, the other comedy is cosby and seinfeld and pg-143 crap but good.

    of course theres howard and espn shows and nprs and all the music you can shake a stick at. this morning all i listened to was the stones channel.

    then i turned it off when i got to seattle, and plugged myu iopod into the aux jack and played nirvana as i drove around where jkurt ended it all.

    Stiff woudlnt have been around without kurdt and i listened to nevermind twice and all the others once and i miss you kiurt and Stiff if its anything is my daydream that kurt kobain is in heaven and not the place the bible says he probably is.

    the official gum of the busblog roadtrip