nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, January 28, 2005

    a year ago 


    ghost band ghost band theres a ghost band, girl, playing our song yeah. drank beers and rum ate bowling alley shrimp fried rice and got to hang with an x xbi director which was a pleasant surprise because i always liked him and i was shocked when he had to turn in his flying car. its a strange planet we’re rotating on he esped to me. but i kept thinking of rancid.

    hot girl earlier in the day got shot standing right next to me. i dont talk about her much because we’re undercover of course and if anyone saw a brotha with a fro and a super cute korean girl keeping it real one might get the impression that theyd seen us before in that neck of the woods and suddenly we wouldnt be so much undercover. but it looks like thats not going to be the case any more and it was mighty scary let me tell you.

    on the way home from bowling tonight i stopped by the hospital and whispered little secrets into her ear. her hospital is very close to my house. after a while she told me that it hurt to laugh and asked me to stop.

    hospitals are never the way you wish they were.

    she said if you ever see me getting interviewed on the view, shoot me.

    i said, if you ever see me getting interviewd on carson daly, carpet bomb me.

    she said, if you ever see me wearing a hoop dress punch me in the nose

    i said blink once if you want me to climb on top of you

    she said if you get on top of me i will knee you in the family jewels.

    i said what if i like my family jewels kneed

    she said then climb on top

    of me.


    and fell asleep with that little smile going

    and i stole the little chocolate from her dinner tray she had pushed away

    snipped a bud from one of her many bouquets.

    kissed her nose

    for the first time

    kissed her forhead

    for the first time

    undressed her with my eyes

    for the tenth time

    that day.

    and whispered that it was going to be ok.

    zulieka + matt got a signed copy of how to blog + get yours by emailing me and i will send you a paypal invoice

  2. this week in rock in la 

    psychedelic furs, house of blues
    steve poltz, troubador
    america, the canyon
    angry samoans, knitting factory
    kottonmouth kings, key club
    katie melua, roxy

    tomorrow 1/29
    ac/dshe, spaceland
    wanda jackson, knitting factory
    kings of leon + the features, roxy
    bad samaritans, el rey
    hollywood kittens, viper room

    sunday 1/30
    smothers brothers, cerritos center
    etta james, house of blues
    ralph stanley & his clinch mountain boys, mccabes
    the lt. dan band (ft. gary sinise), the canyon

    monday 1/31
    scissor sisters, wiltern
    metal skool, roxy

    tuesday 2/1
    …and you will know us by the trail of dead, cinespace
    ditty bops (pictured), tangier
    third grade teacher, knitting factory

    wednesday 2/2
    hem, troubador

    thurs 2/3
    george clinton, henry fonda
    leann rimes, roxy
    star fuckers, the cat club
    m.i.a., knitting factory

    koganuts + hot toddy + im nominated for a bloggie

  3. barter control 

    mohammed wears these little knit caps

    not like the gang members whose caps are

    blue and black

    sloppy and snarling

    ominous in their coverage

    mohammeds is grey

    with little white patterns

    folded up where it oughtta be.

    his son’s name is mohammed and about thirty

    and works the register while dad wears old sweaters

    keeps his arms crossed and back to

    the pepsi fridge and

    watches the transactions take place.

    i havent brushed my teeth today.

    last night i asked mohammed if they had

    a frequent buyer program

    for the beer.

    i like to joke a little.

    but we buy black label and its like

    seven bucks for a twelve pack

    bud is nine bucks.

    mohammed says

    no my friend

    and you can see the he hasnt

    brushed his teeth today


    bunnie + waking up in amsterdam + galitechnia + red room

  4. Thursday, January 27, 2005

    dont think the haters get me down, kids. 

    they dont. theyre cowardly and dull and predictable and secretly love me, so whatev.

    haters are fine. haters remind you that youre the shit. when people were all, hey lay off instapundit, he cant help being whatever he is for the Right. and i was like, dude, best thing i can do for insta is throw some attention his way. when they ignore you youre fucked. and he can pretend to ignore me on his blog, but why should i play those sort of highschool girl games here.

    the busblog is where the examples are set.

    speaking of set. its four twenty right now. the sun is setting. my boss hasnt been here all day and ive only been able to take one of my government mandated 15 minute breaks. how does that happen? cuz we’re busy today. hella busy. im always busy.

    have i told you that i love you? i do.

    the readers of the busblog have made this stretch at the xbi totally worth it. youve given me everything and then some. none of you bitch when i put poems up, none of you bitch when i write about me-me-me, none of you bitch when i bitch, youre right there with me every step i take and under any other circumstance that wouldnta happened.

    the busblog the last few weeks has averaged two thousands readers a day. thats double what was happening last year at this time.

    welcome interstate managers

    let me also thank the angels behind the blog. first mr jeff solomon who fixed my computer and excorsized the demons hiding as spyware. one day a woman will give birth to a hebrew son. i will name that child jeff solomon.

    then theres mr ken basart who took my computer from mr jeff solomons lovely home and drove it to my hollywood hideaway and left it at my gates for the maids to pick up when they were finished polishing my bannisters.

    if i dont say it enough its because im busy saving the world, but i truly do feel like the luckiest man in the world a lot. and im grateful and i thank you.

    now watch me hit this bowl.

    wild bell + sean bonner + doc searls

  5. katie couric was on tv last night. 

    she was getting the 4-1-1 from the kids about teenage sex.

    the show as called The 411: Teens & Sex.

    my first question is, where were the teens interns or PAs at NBC and why didn’t they say, “hey katie, calling it ‘The 411…’ makes you sound like an old person trying to be “hip”?

    and of course it was terribly lame. and of course katie seemed a million years old and slightly perverted trying to ask the teens all the questions that howard stern asks his guests every day.

    how old were you when you lost your virginity. do you and your friends have oral sex. tell us what you mean when you say “friends with benefits”.

    all under the guise that this is info for parents.

    as video of bikini-clad 14 year old girls dancing flickers on the screen.

    the whole time i kept thinking, too bad im not a pedophile or else id be loving this.

    and then katie got the parents into the room as the kids partied somewhere off screen, and the parents shared, and one guy said, what sort of music is this, rap? it sounds like crap. its not rap, its crap.

    oh did they laugh.

    even though they all looked and sounded just as incredibly lame as their host.

    and i thought, katie couric gets paid millions to be this bad of a tv personality? how do i sign up?

    nbc, listen to me. quit making pedophile fodder. if you want to find out what kids are doing in the privacy of their own bedrooms don’t get thousand year old katie couric to ask them, have paris hilton ask them, or lindsey lohan, or jenna jamison.

    Or, oh I don’t know, how about two guys who talk about sex all the time with teens: dr. drew and adam corolla.

    but seriously, what the fuck does katie couric know about being a teen in 2005 or having sex?

    One day the networks will see that even with 500 channels, for some reason we still pay attention to the big three. and one day we will stop.

    and shows like katie couric giving parents the 4-1-1 will be one of the reasons why we stop fraternizing the single digit stations.

    my kingdom for the Neilsons to team up with Tivo and allow viewers to grade a show that they watched all the way through. Using the thumbs up and thumbs down buttons it would be very nice to go back and give three red thumbs down to programs that we watched but hated and will never watch again.

    sure yeah whatever + alexa + leah

  6. Wednesday, January 26, 2005

    a guy claiming to be the Instapundit 

    had a few things to say in the comments of my last post.

    heres how it went down.

    it begins with “Glenn” paraphrasing something i wrote recently, and it ends with me winning, of course.


    “You know why [he sucks up to] the Republicans?

    Because he’s their bioooooch.”

    That wasn’t true, as I’m sure (or, at least hope) Tony really believes.

    Capitalism–the world we live in–breeds opportunities for those with positive ambition.

    Glenn | Email | Homepage | 01.26.05 – 5:28 pm | #


    then why do you suck up to Republicans – especially when you claim not to be one?

    tony | Email | Homepage | 01.26.05 – 5:30 pm | #


    I don’t suck up to Republicans. I agree with most conservative points, especially in foreign policy. Liberals, as of now, have few credible stances on issues that are worth addressing.

    And, ahem, most liberals are shallow and undereducated on the facts.

    Glenn | Email | Homepage | 01.26.05 – 5:47 pm | #


    if thats the case then why are you ashamed to call yourself a Republican?

    tony | Email | Homepage | 01.26.05 – 5:53 pm | #


    I am not a Republican. As you are not a Democrat.

    You supported the election of John Kerry, but did not vote for him. I supported the election of George Bush, but I……I’ll keep you guessing.

    You despise Bush—I disagreed with Kerry.



    I did not support the election of John Kerry, but I did vote for him as nader wasn’t on the ballot here in CA.

    you had no reason to despise Kerry. he didnt capsize the economy, he didnt go to war over wmds and then find none, he didnt cockblock g/l/t americans from marrying each other.

    im not a democrat but i also dont rip apart one party and pimp out the other on dozens of posts every day. i call bullshit on the bullshitters despite their party affiliation. you do not.

    when rummy went to capital hill to take his lumps for the iraq prison scandal, you ignored it. when the white house formally announced that they were giving up on searching for wmd you ignored it until days later when you were called out. when bush lost every debate you ignored that too.

    i want to believe you when you say things like “I am not a Republican” but if you covered gay porn the way you cover the repubs and bash the dems, we’d raise an eyebrow if you claimed not to be gay.

    an admirable 30 posts a day, but they are overwhelmingly pro-right and anti-left.

    if there has ever been a day when you wrote more posts critical of the Right than critical of the Left, i havent seen it.

    if there has ever been a day where you wrote four posts in a row critical of Bush, i havent seen it.

    coyness is nice, but coyness can stop you from having the legitimacy that your buddy Gina claims is so important on this blog.

    for the record, Kerry and the Dems are dumbfucks who couldnt get their heads out of their asses and figure out a way to beat a monkeybrained retard. may the Dems go the way of the whigs for their last defeat.

    does that sound like the words of a democrat? no its the words of a real independent. someone who is truly owned by no one.

    show me where youve ever written anything even close to that about a big time Right wing failure, specifically a Bush failure.

    sadly i doubt you can. and that’s because you are a modern-day Republican. ashamed. hiding. justly. lying to exit pollsters and voting from a place of fear.

    but whatev. you still get shitloads more hits than me. and since hits + ads = $$$, and since he with the most $$$ wins, then you win.

    big difference is, i can say whatever i want in my blog, and i do. you can say whatever you want, and you dont.

    id rather be broke and apologize for having to throw up a few cheap ads than stifle myself and try to be coy.

    so maybe in the big picture, i win.

    fuck maybe. i win.

    instapundit + odd child + aubrey

  7. you know my dentist is in beverly hills right? 

    yep. good news he’s a great dentist. bad news is hes a great beverly hills dentist. meaning i’m gonna have to start selling some more books pronto.

    and probably start having ads.

    all of this kills me.

    i live such a quiet life you wouldnt even believe it. i walk to the subway, i take that to the bus. i walk to work. i save the world. then i take the bus home.

    i havent lived beyond my means for years and years.

    everything in my life is relatively predictable, financially, which is why i have been able to live off such meager means for so long and have mostly all the things that i want.

    however in the next few months the dentist is going to do some expensive proceedures, and im going to have to start shopping for a car if i get accepted into grad school.


    so heres what we’re going to do right now. right now we’re going to stop book sales through cafe press. theyve been great but the mad Christmas rush is gone and i can handle the book sales from here.

    so heres the deal, the normal price for books was $19 plus shipping. i now have a limited amount of signed copies that i will sell for just five bucks more. so if you want an autographed How To Blog, just email me and tell me who to sign it to, where to mail it to, and i will send you a PayPal invoice. just know that the price will be $24 plus shipping.

    maybe we can sell enough books to pay for this upcoming crown we’ve been working on for what seems like a year now.

    as for the ads, i appreciate that you guys really dont care. i care though. and they’ll be there. they’ll be costly, but they’ll be there and theres not much i can say except i need to make a few extra bucks and i’ll try to do something smart like put them on photo essays and not all over the blog, although there will be a few here.


    in a perfect world i would be flagrant‘s houseboy + chauffeur.

    but life isnt fair.

    this is also a good time to announce that there was a secret raffle and Chokey Chicken and Bicycle Mark both win autographed copies of How To Blog.

    congrats fellas. just email me (busblog at gmail dot com) and give me an address to mail it to.

    raymi writes about teeth, shows her ass + tif blogs from italy + dicey + sk smiff

  8. had a little tap on my door last night 

    it was one of the girls from the academy awards.

    they come to my house with dvds so that i can review them on the busblog.

    their belief is that i will write about the films and they will get more attention and it will create “buzz” and it will cause the box office receipts to increase.

    whatever. all i know is hot babes show up in the middle of the night and i get to see new films with them.

    last night we watched million dollar baby starring mr clint eastwood, mr morgan freeman, and that chick from boys dont cry.

    everything was fine when the evening began. i didnt know that the academy would be visiting me so i broke out my new george forman grill and cooked up some steaks.

    i think i overcooked them.

    didnt matter, i had a huge bowl of peas with a nice baked potato in the middle of it. butter soaking into the legume. pepper sprinkled nicely everywhere.

    petra, the young lady arrived and looked a little hungry, so we each had a steak and split the vegetables.

    we drank C2 from the coca-cola family of products.

    morgan freeman played a mellow morgan freeman. old, wise, understated. never wrong.

    clint eastwood played a mellow clint eastwood. ragged. stubborn. old. never wrong.

    the chick from boys dont cry played an eager girl-boxer. young. cut. postitive. never discouraged.

    as she started boxing she knocked people out pretty quickly. some of the boxing world characters were shady. everyone except for morgan and clint and the chick.

    the only flaw in any of the characters seems to be that clint’s character is a little conservative in the way he picks opponents.

    petra had seen the film already and assured me that it was one of the best in the year and definately deserving of all the nominations.

    we debated whether Passion of the Christ wasnt better than this. she said, oh heavens no.

    she had a short skirt on and boots.

    i hadnt made love to a girl in months. although it seemed like years.

    i said, if i say that this movie was better than the passion do we have to finish watching it?

    she said, yes.

    i said, what if i say that this movie was the best movie of the year even though nothing fascinating has happened an hour and fifteen minutes into it? then can we go into my room and play reindeer games.

    she said what are reindeer games?

    i said, you know, i pretend that im santa, and you pretend that youre a lonely young woman watching pornography, i climb down your chiminey and startle you and your towel falls off.

    she said, what does that have to do with reindeers?

    i said, at some point someones nose will begin to get red and glow.

    young petra considered this while i cleared the plates and microwaved the popcorn and when i returned i realized that million dollar baby was the best movie of the year.

    superzeros + panama jane + much love to mass live

  9. Tuesday, January 25, 2005

    “i bet i dont get into rad school” 

    tommy burrowed himself into

    the weird nightmare

    oblivious to pipes being banged as warnings

    deaf to the shouts of encouragements

    equipped only with a cassette copy of motely crue’s

    too fast for love,

    a loosely rolled collection of

    mexican shake humbolt green sticky nice

    and twigs

    and a daypack filled with dozens of soft and melting

    milky way dark candy bars

    a chinese tune ching chung chwanged in his head

    and then crazy drums

    and he swore he could hear his mother calling out to him

    as he made stoney love to his fiancee

    while a muted tenor blew

    and cherry blossoms floated



    upon his sweaty white pimpley scratched back.

    her name was elisa and she was sixteen


    six Teen. Jeeze!

    6 + teen

    i am sixteen

    she screamed

    i screamed

    he had other things to do with his time

    like nothing

    so he did it.


    brevity my ass the colon argued

    i dont care how nice you thought those two plops wound up

    how strong and straight and clean and perfect

    they became and are

    and wont be.

    we still have something that needs to come out

    inside me.

    and elisa said what is it

    tommy took out a melted bar of candy

    and rubbed it all over himself

    and then another

    and then one more

    he walked over to a hive where the hornets lived

    looked at elisa and kicked the hive

    and then kicked it again

    it fell

    some pissed hornets flew out

    and then just like at a jewish wedding tommy stepped

    right ontop of that hive and squooshed it flatlike

    sometimes in weird nightmares the shadow just wants to

    chase not catch you

    the dark wants to scare not kill you

    evil wants to play not eat you

    and girls want to sex not love you

    she was sixteen with the finest blonde hair

    and perfect lips

    sixteen going on


    and that fine hair was so light that when

    it fell over her eyes

    you could see her close

    and then

    open them

    butterscotch windshade palms on my shoulderblades

    airconditioned tv room downstairs its nearly noon

    dancing like an imbecile, huffing like a dirty muffler

    dressed up like a roman disco

    laughing like a broken hiccup

    this guy hates me + so does this guy + she loves me

  10. i dont like award shows. 

    i hate the grammys the most, then the emmys, and then the oscars.

    mtv awards bother me cuz those people should know better, but they dont.

    so today the Oscar nominations were announced and there are two glaring ommisions as far as big awards go

    Fahrenheit 9/11 and Passion of the Christ didnt get any big award nominations.

    wtf is that all about?

    did they not break enough records? did they not cause enough controversy? did they not make people think enough?

    could it because they didnt cast Leo DiCaprio?

    Titanic was a historical blockbuster that set records in boxoffice sales where its big star dies in the end, and Titanic got plenty of Oscar noms, why not Passion?

    Isnt the story of how Mel Gibson put the money into it himself enough to get some love from Hollywood? Especially after it was so loved by the entire freaking world?

    apparently not.

    same goes for Michael Moore, who made the most-talked about documentary of all time. doesnt he get any props from the academy for delivering the top grossing doc ever? a film so huge that it changed the way people think of documentaries gets no respect from an industry that has never had much press about any documentary until Moore showed up a few years ago.

    i thought hollywood was liberal.

    i guess the instapundits were wrong about that too.

    so yes, im disappointed in the award show that often disappoints more than it gets it right.

    in my book if your job is to acknowledge films, directors, and actors that went above and beyond in the previous year theres no way that you have no room in the inn for the biggest r-rated film ever or the biggest doc ever?

    meanwhile Shark Tale has a shot at best animated film.

    nice job, dipshits.

    bitter girl + sheila + narkoleptik