the french are here.

what french? the french. apparently a lot of bloggers here in LA are being interviewed for a french documentary about southern california bloggers.

of course i forgot that they were coming and so my house is super messy and i dont have anything cold to offer them. but here they are now doing whats called B-Roll which is them filming me type on the computer. this is what they will edit in for like the wide shots and stuff i imagine.

all i know is miss montreal had been over and she happened to have one of those wacky tobbacy cigarrettes with her and the whole place sorta smells funky like im some hippie.

i do know a little french but i dont know how to say i am not a hippie

even though i am.

anyhow i think we’re done here with my good pals from paris. i made sure that i was wearing my pajamas and once again i think that if blogger knew what was good for them they would market blogger brand pajamas.

whoops they want more b-roll, now with the baseball cap on.

i dont really wear the cap much inside, or the beanie, but you know thats how it is.

thank god my mom doesnt live in france, if she knew that i had such a messy place she would be bummed out that i let these dudes in here.

i wish i had studied french more in school.

i know i have a lot of readers who are in high school. first of all, whats up.

heres my advice for you: study in spanish and french classes, it will work out for you, trust me. i just met the sweetest girl on the bus who was mexican. she had what appeared to be a daughter but it couldnt have been her daughter. but she looked so young and she had such a short skirt on and her legs were so– all i wanted to say was is that your daughter or your sister but i didnt practice my spanish in school kids and so i couldnt and what if she had said all the right things like my husband died in the war and left me a widow and my cute little daughter here and orphan and i would have said thats cool just come over to my house theres plenty of room for all of us

even though there isnt, but i would have said that in spanish and it would have sounded cool

instead we just sat next to each other and smiled and she said hola and i said hola and the little kid looked at me and shied away and looked at me again and whispered hola and i was all hi baby.

it’s now much later. the french are gone. they were so cool. they had just interviewed defamer. they spent about 90 minutes with me. they had me read from “the ten commandments of tony” they did this one thing where they made me sit with my eyes closed quietly for a full minute while they filmed. it was nuts. i dont know what happened but it was fun, even though i didnt say one thing good or funny.

they will be at marc browns tomorrow to interview him too. i bet he does way better.

they liked my pajamas.

howard sterns message boards are back + emmanuelle + highways west

beatiful brown skinned girl came over the other night

and i dont remember exactly what we ended up doing but i remember that at the beginning i was playing madden 2004 getting my ass kicked by the All Raiders and at the end of it was 24 hours later and i was bald (pictured). yes i have a lil mole.

somewhere in the middle of it she was cold so i turned on the space heater and brought the boom box in the room and she thought she had a minute or two for me to decide on the all important question of what cd i was going to put in there but ah-ha i fooled her and jumped her and we went at it in the silence so that the neighbors could hear everything.

and there was plenty to hear.

then we woke up in the middle of the night grinding and one thing i like about this girl is she doesnt know how to say no and she doesnt ever want to say no and she has never said no to me even though she has said no to pretty much every tommy hillfuckr across this great land but at 4am its just a tease and i told her maybe during the dawns early light and she remembered that and i put in miles’ aura and did what came unnaturally and she whispered that i was the man and i lived up to the hype

as always

and when the cd was over we finished and i got up and tossed out the jimmy hat and i looked in the mirror because i knew that it was gonna happen later today and we snuggled up and slept till one thirty.

ordered pizza watched roger & me did it again and then she said are you ready and i said yes but you cant laugh and she said why would i laugh and i said dont even be happy about it and she got the buzzers and dug in.

first with the #3 cover and then with no cover at all.

we put plastic down so we could recover the hair because she had a genius idea the other day and i might still go through with which is to auction the fro for charity and while she was shaving it off i watched shelby lynne and liz phair on the directv freeview and she asked me which charity i would give the money to.

i thought about the united negro college fund but then i remembered about the time i had to take a pretty blonde girl to the hollywood free clinic because a condom broke and we needed the morning after pill and the only place that didnt dick us around was the hollywood free clinic and i remember sitting in the waiting room with all the sad people of hollywood and how they didnt have many video tapes for the people to watch as they freaked out for all the various reasons that they were in the hollywood free clinic. and the blonde girl was freaking out so much that in the middle of her exam she had to come out to the waiting room to sit with me and she was so pale from fear and i held her hand and told her it was gonna be ok and there was a disney film in there and we watched it and i thought fuck disney and how they stole all the fairy tales and made them theirs. no creativity. no soul. fuck disney.

but everything worked out and now every time i go past the hollywood free clinic i put a movie through their mail slot and try to build to their video tape collection.

and before i knew it i was bald and the hottie was telling me how adorable i was and she took all these pictures and she begged me to smile but i was tired and drunk and tired and i always look like an idiot when i smile for the birdie.

then she had to go to a goth club and left me and i tried to work on lick but i was exhausted from all the lustin and i ate a cold slice of za and laid down in front of the tv and fell asleep and woke up during weekend vibe and then went over to splinkys site which if she deletes any of the good shit that shes written this weekend will be a crying shame cuz its super good.

and now im watching an old saturday night live during the era when eddie murphy, brad hall and that chick from seinfeld were on the cast and all the phones they are using have cords and my kids will probably never see a few things in their day: modems, phones with cords, and me with a fro.

write hard + reason + jaime

from the comments

Your writing is very good and I enjoy reading you. I’m just a little confused about the whole virgin “fetish” you seem to have. If you’re looking for the true love of your life, she’s most likely not going to be what you think you want. Know what I’m saying? It’s kind of like Matthew Perry’s character says in “Fools Rush In”, “You’re everything I never knew I always wanted.” This is probably getting a little confusing for those of the male persuasion, so lemme explain. You’re NOT going to find love chasing a certain “type”. You’re not likely to find it at all when you’re looking for it. And you almost certainly will not find it with someone you lust after. (But lusting after your true love will come later and be the most intense lust ever.) Also, quit trying to make love to a body, and make love to a mind. I say all this with the deepest respect. Good luck in your endeavors.


Gentle Reader,

Thank you for your comments it’s always nice to hear that people enjoy what I write.

As for your confusion… I am a man of many fetishes, but none include being with virgins.

I have had the opportunity of being with three virgin women in my long life. Although I cared very much for each of these sweet angels, the experience of having the pleasure of sharing one’s first encounter is something that I have never been much interested in.

All of the bizarre psychological reasons that some men find exciting in regards to being the first lover of a fair maiden dont fascinate me in the slightest. Call me crazy but I like to be with someone who knows what theyre doing in matters of cooking driving and rocking, so definately I would want someone experienced the in emotional and physical realm of banging.

Virgins arent the best ones to be on top of when you pull their hair and whisper dirty nothings while awakening the intel inside.

With that said, I’ve found that oftentimes it’s not the man who chooses his mate but the woman who chooses hers. The gentleman can approach the woman and announce his intentions, but it is generally the gentlewoman who accepts or rejects. In fact in some cases it is the woman who approaches the man to notify him that he indeed has been selected. That has sometimes been the case in my so-called life.

Longtime readers know that I aspire to be an openminded person. I try not to discriminate due to age or nationality or appearance or religion or political leaning, therefore I also wouldnt discriminate due to sexual experience. I think some young women find that appealing and consider me, therefore, a good candidate to be with on their first time, particularily since I am pretty good about not judging while beneath the sheets.

I have no idea where true love will come from in my life. If I die without finding a wife or a longtime love, and I go to Heaven and complain, I would hate for the Lord to say, “bro, we sent you a few virgins who would have been perfect for you had you given them a chance, instead you went for those flashy hos.” That’s why I don’t turn away girls that I have enjoyed dating once they reveal their past, or lack thereof.

As for making love… I think any of my past partners could attest for the fact that I don’t know the first thing about making love. What I do usually requires motorcycle helmets, padding, and large amounts of alcohol. Afterwards first aid is usually de riguor. Music is played at deafening volumes to drown out the shrieks and feelings are usually hurt and sensibilities are often damaged to the point of no return.

Why they return for more is a mystery.

coyote + xero79 + smolder