1. Monday, February 7, 2005

    how to kiss a twenty three year old virgin 

    who hasnt been kissed since high school.

    step one: like her.

    step two: be as patient as a cub fan.

    step three: be really funny.

    step four: have her admit that she likes you.

    step five: take her to a cool restaurant and pay for everything.

    step six: take her to the house of pies and when she says, “lets just be friends” laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

    step seven: take her home and show her how cool you are.

    step eight: dont follow any advice you read or wrote on a blog

    step nine: tell her that youre going to kiss her and ignore her when she says no.

    step ten: ask her if you can kiss her cheek. laugh when she says no.

    step eleven: ask her if you can kiss her hand. laugh when she doesnt say anything and take that as a yes. crawl over to her and hold her hand and tell her how gorgeous it is. realize that no man has probably held her hand the way youre holding it since she was in a catholic school outfit back when she was in catholic school back in sweden.

    step twelve: kiss her hand and hold on to it and kiss it again. and then again. realize theres a lot of nerves on the top of the hands. stroke her wrist.

    step thirteen: ask her if you can make out with her wrist. when she says no, tell her that it’s not beneath you to make out with a hot chick’s wrist. keep holding her hand. notice her body language. if shes sitting there enjoying it, youre on the right track.

    step fourteen: ask her if you can kiss her cheek. if she says no, let go of her hand and step away from the hottie.

    step fifteen: as you watch tv tell her that the reason youre standing up and away from her its because shes so beautiful that you want to jump on her. see if she laughs. if she laughs youre getting close.

    step sixteen: crawl over to her again. lay on her legs like youre about to get spanked. say “ahhh, isnt this better?” (hattip to fast times at ridgemont high)

    step seventeen: make your way to her cheek. rub your cheek against hers. breathe in her ear. softly. kiss her neck. if she doesnt knee you in the nads, lick her neck.

    step eighteen: tell her to hug you as you keep working on that neck. if she does youre almost there. see if she moans. if she doesnt move down to the collarbone.

    step nineteen: move towards her lips. see if she’ll kiss you. if she doesnt wanna kiss her cheek and go back to the neck.

    step twenty: give love to the ear lobe.

    step twenty one: if the cd stops for god sake dont get up. keep working the lobe neck collarbone triangle. use your teeth gently. whisper things that make no sense. butterflies, jelly beans, knees

    step twenty two: if she says “what?” look at her and lay one on her.

    step twenty three: kiss her until four twenty am.

    raymi is my favorite virgin + then bunny + then alecia