ive lost my mojo, america.

this week ive had the pleasure of having two different girls come into my bachelor pad and yes its messy but neither of them found a reason to make out with me or take off their pants.

there used to be a time when within minutes the ladies were either naked or pantsless or calling their best friends over to join the fun.

last night i hit rock bottom.

hottie came over, we ate burritos from midnight tacos, i read her some poems from the olden days and nothing sparked in her eyes.

she didnt put her hand on my knee, like they often do, she didnt lean back in the bed and say fucking a tony pierce youre a master.

she didnt excuse herself to the powder room and come back to me wearing only garters and a cowboy hat

she didnt wait for me to kiss her goodnight

she ate her burrito, we watched american idol, she tolerated my stinky rhymes and she dialed up her driver and when the car arrived she gave me a hug and was gone.

the hug was good but

and the whole time i could feel the mojo being gone.

i couldnt find anything, i couldnt say anything, i couldnt do anything.

if youve ever seen a home run hitter struggling at the plate you’ll know how downright pathetic it can look as he chases any pitch regardless of how unhittable it is.

these last two women have been truly unique, i must say that. both virgins which are apparently in season or some shit.

one was talkative and warm.

the other was shy and mysterious.

whereas most chicks who meet me at the xbi or via this blog are like fastballs, sold, excited, ready, jumping at me and all i have to do is get the head of the bat across the plate

these chicks were like changeups:

patience is required

a deep breath is needed

a close look at the spin (or lack thereof) is necessary.

spectators would look and see something that even a child could hit, but a seasoned veteran isnt used to 70 mph lobs, we’re used to 100 mph heat. she arrives, shes on top, shes finished, shes gone.

im not used to this slow motion that borders on super slow motion.

the whole time im thinking this girl should be dangling from the rafters by now. doesnt she want to be dangling from the rafters by now?

but hollywood is a diverse and varried metropolis, bubbling with so many different ideals and experiences that not every tap at the door is going to lead to carnal adventures.

sometimes you really do just sit there and watch american idol

like the rest of the crust.

with your pants on.


and sometimes you sleep alone.

so life is + wonkette + amy + tracy