1. Wednesday, March 23, 2005

    anna knew i was depressed so she drove me home in the rain. 

    she asked if i was sad to be back from vacation, i said no.

    she asked if i was sad that the cubs pitching staff was falling apart i sighed and said no.

    she asked if i was sad that my swedish virgin sgirfriend didnt wanna make out with me any more and i said yes, but that wasnt why i was depressed.

    we drove through the wet streets of hollywood and passed soaking hookers and passed out bums. we drove past abandoned cars and burnt out shacks. she asked if i wanted to stop by the 99 cents store which usually cheers me up but i didnt even answer her.

    she turned off the tom waits and dialed up AM radio which everyone loves and the sports talk dude was laughing about barry bonds claiming that he might quit baseball and i asked her to change the channel and she knew why i was suddenly so somber.

    barry bonds was going to quit.

    she said, wait, what? you’re bummed because of the most hated man in baseball?

    and i nodded. and wept a little.

    its true that even though i have despised mr bonds my whole life, and worked for the Giants in 97 just to see if that hate was justified (t’was) for some reason i was depressed that the biggest giant’s career was about to be over just like that.

    how do you know its over she asked honking at a milk truck who had cut her off, and i said its the three pronged attack

    – hes on the juice, he knows hes on the juice, everyone knows hes on the juice and this year he will test positive for it right as hes trying to break babe ruths record

    – he just had his third knee operation and it didnt take

    – his mistress of nine years is about to come out with a tell-all book claiming that he admitted to taking steroids and

    most men could handle one of those affronts, but three? not at 40. not with the scrutiny that the press would hand him once he approached the 714 mark for career homers (currently he’s at 703).

    and the book this woman is about to release is brutal. describing all the changes that bonds went through as the roids started to take effect: back acne, rage, bloating. its just too much.

    i was sad because the chase was over. we all thought that bonds would break these records no problem. we all expected to hate him as he casually destroyed all these mythological milestones.

    but now all of that was going to go away in part because of bonds’ arrogance and in part because he doesnt know how to handle his bitches.

    just like in organized crime, its not the crime that has done barry bonds in, it’s how his house wasnt in order, and just like how old mafia guys went down because of tax evasion, one of baseballs greatest sluggers will end his career prematurely because he wasnt able to muzzle his ho.

    and so me and anna kournikova parked out front of my home and watched the rain collect on the windshield and even though she knew it would upset her man, she made out with me until i felt better

    which wasnt until many hours into the night.

    rabbit is back + anti + leah is back + raymi