1. Sunday, March 20, 2005

    hello canada, im doing good 

    you had some questions for us on our two year anniversary in iraq, here are my answers.

    1) How come so many of your citizens thought that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11?

    americans, like many people want to believe their leaders. we’re not used to a full court press of lying and lying and lying. and we’re really not used to lies about war. not to our face. not on tv. not without the tv announcers saying bullshit.

    also we’re not used to the tv announcers not saying bullshit. theyre liberals, right? if they dont say bullshit to the republicans who lie then its not bullshit. is it?

    you dont really expect us to think for ourselves. when it comes to politics we usually wait to see what someone like george will has to say.

    also, lets get real, most americans dont know the difference between a guy named saddam compared to a guy named osama. and most of us dont ever want to have to figure out the difference. we’ve got pick up trucks to wax.

    2) How come so many of your citizens know so little about other places? I’ve met a lot of Americans and only three of them knew that Ottawa was the capital of Canada, and most of them had college degrees.

    they dont teach us world capitals in college. they teach us how to drink, how to get financial aid, how to roll joints, how to understand pink floyd and led zeppelin, and how to study for a test on crystal at three in the morning.

    we dont know about other places because we dont have to. straight up. everything we need is here in this huge country. ski surf steak shrimp accents architecture art tastes smells and diversity. and thats just in vegas. we want to go other places but most of you people dont speak english and even though its fun to learn how to say two big macs please it gets tiresome when youre on vacation because youre supposed to be on vacation!

    3) How come so many of your citizens know nothing about the history of US foreign and covert policy? Why aren’t they taught about American involvement in places like El Salvador, Chile, Columbia, Guatemala, Iraq, Iran, and a very long list of other places around the world?

    if it were taught it wouldnt still be called covert. and notice you keep throwing these cities and towns around like you think we know where they are or you think we care. you just said it, we dont know about ottowa and you fools are our neighbors to the north. our white neighbors. if we dont give a shit about our white neighbors, guess how we feel about our brown ones. this is a country who held back brown people for close to 400 years. your list there is full of brown people. so fuck those places.

    and by the way, where is this edjumacation gonna be taught? high school? american history in high schools is one part european history, one part 18th century history, one part civil war history, and one part post-civil war history. we barely scratch the surface in talking about slavery and you think we’re going to get into guatemala?

    unless someone takes a class in college called “dirty shit of america’s past” we’ll have to rely on the hippies and canadians like you to educate us in these matters.

    4) How come most of your citizens supported the invasion of Iraq? Is it because they didn’t have all the facts or because they just wanted to see someone pay for 9/11 and were open to suggestions?

    they supported the invasion because they were told that iraq had weapons of mass destruction. also they supported it because sometimes it feels better to be wrong and alive than wrong and dead. it’s a weird theory, but i think many americans share that subconcious mantra.

    5) After the world found out that there weren’t any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and President Bush announced that he was calling off the search for them, why didn’t your citizens demand that President Bush be impeached? After all, they tried to impeach Bill Clinton for lying about getting a blow job – and no one was even killed because of that.

    now who’s naive? we in america are very hung up about sex. perhaps you didnt see the superbowl a few years ago. when the tiny pixel claiming to be janet jackson’s nipple was exposed it was so earthshattering that we are still feeling its effects. currently if you say tit on the radio you could be fined a half million dollars. meanwhile if a company was caught dumping a barrel of nuclear waste into lake michigan they would only get fined sixty thousand dollars.

    therefore what bill clinton did was basically unforgiveable. how dare he.

    btw, clinton was impeached, and aquitted.

    but the real reason why president bush wasnt impeached was because there werent many senators or congresspeople who asked for his impeachment. why? because many of them supported his march to war. if he were to get impeached, in part they deserved it too. so they shut up.

    6) How come some Americans think these sorts of questions are bad?

    because it has nothing to do with nascar or britney spears.

    7) How come your citizens don’t care that the CIA and the Department of Defense don’t have to disclose information to them, even though the Constitution says that they do?

    when someone from the cia or the dod knocks on our door we will be sure to ask them to disclose us information, thank you.

    8) You make more weapons than anyone else in the world. How come America?

    all kidding aside, you must admit that we make pretty good boom sticks. the question should be, “do you know that if you made cars as well as you made stealth bombers, people would buy american cars again?”

    9) How come it’s legal to own an assault rifle but two men or two women can’t get married?

    this country was built on the shoulders of men and women and rifles. all this gay shit is new to us.

    10) Why do you spend more money on defense than education and healthcare?

    as the world police its our belief that without safety the other two things are irrelevant. it’s also the american way to tell someone who works at wal*mart to quit bitching and get a real job if they complain that wal*mart doesnt offer health care.

    and as for education, what does it say about the state of education when george w. bush went to yale and got an mba at harvard and he’s no smarter than most junior college dropouts?

    thanks for caring,


    matt good + jossip + terra + paige