1. Thursday, March 3, 2005

    people by the millions ask me why i, 

    tony pierce, would enter into a relationship with a twentysomething swedish virgin girl when i have the world as my oyster and a large stack of bibs and papertowels.

    and my answer every time is, simple, you don’t find love, it finds you. and yes i love this girl and you would too. shes lovable like nobodys business. i kid and tell her that theres no way that i would ever do anything bad to her because once God finds out that one of his angels took the wrong turn and wound up in this toilet earth He’s gonna wanna know who’s knocking at her door and whether or not he’s being good to her.

    it was tough last night because we got a late start and then we drove to the bank and we sat out as the rain pelted her sunroof and we talked about how we can both be workaholics and see each other and have her back in her ivory tower early enough so she wouldn’t be so exhausted at 5am when her mama taps on her gilded cage to wake her sweet ass up. an ass that i still haven’t seen america. but its cool. its cool.

    so we talked into the night as people made deposits and withdrawals and i explained to her that relationships are all about expectations and adjustments and new expectations. i theorized that since most relationships end up in a break up as do most marriages that we need to throw aside all these illogical ideals of happily ever after and concern ourselves with the jesus jones hit of right here right now.

    she blinked, confused.

    i said do you like me right here right now

    she said of course

    i said that’s all we need to focus on, now show me your tits.

    which made her crack a smile and she hugged me and i laughed and said, im not kidding, even though i was. and we were cool with each other again, refocused and renewed. it was the greatest anti-fight ive ever had cuz most of it was done with whispers and soft kisses on the cheek and analogies that were rooted in the good book and springsteen tunes.

    drove her over to starbucks cuz even though it was nine o’clock she was already drowsy. got her an iced cap and i don’t think ive ever been in a starfucks in my lyfe and i looked around and saw all the prepackaged “art” on the walls and the bad aprons on the soda jerks and looked around for soul and found none and even looked for some kool kids since it was los feliz home of the brave and i saw two mac laptops and two non and i said baby how did this shallow excuse for a coffee shop displace all the other warm homey funky ones and she said i don’t know and the dude said three fifty please and i paid and tipped and didn’t realize till just now that i paid four bones for a cup of joe in ice.

    got home and i made her collard greens and heated up the kfc and boiled rice and she laid on my couch and i brought it in for her and we watched american idol and then i dialed up Lost on the tivo while she snored. and because im old i started snoring during the last scene of Lost and sadly didn’t wake until it was super late. so late it was early.

    we were spoons on my leather couch at 2am when i woke her. she called her mama and her mama said things in swedish that didn’t sound so good. things that i would later find out were “he must think youre a whore.” to which i would have replied, no i think she was sleepy. things like “why have you changed overnight!” to which i would have said, she never used to fall asleep on a couch after a nice meal after a long day?

    and she got into her little speedster and sped off into the night and called me this morning telling me that her papa, the king, said you will be back by midnight tonight right

    she said nothing

    and he from down the hall said right? and she slid down her firepole into her makeup room and cried into her princess phone to me, the cause of it all. and i said baby tell them that theres no fear with me. that im not a nineteen year old boy, young dumb and full of cum. im 111 years old. the worst that’s gonna happen to you on your couch is a little drool might drip on your neck as i doze off at 11pm. a man as old as i am doesnt mind not seeing his girlfriends ass for weeks on end. a man as old as me doesnt care that i don’t know if youre natural shaved or neatly trimmed. all good things will come in time, and youre good. and isnt this why our hands reach all the way down to our pleasure principles.

    and she giggled.

    and over the phone i said, now show me yr tits.

    and in swedish her handmaiden screamed, i knew it! and hung up the extension.

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