1. Sunday, March 20, 2005

    whenever i feel this way i always say the same thing, 

    “start running again.
    get in shape.”

    for some reason i thought that shhhh would stick around through this awkward period. for some reason i thought that even though we were from the total opposite sides of the solar system in so many ways that she’d trust me enough to let me lead the way.

    but nope.

    and for some reason i didnt think id feel so alone.

    an old girlfriend called last night and told me that im still a stud. her word, certainly not mine. she reeled off a list of girls id “hooked up” with since she and i had broken up and she was wrong about one of them and i corrected her and still she was all, still thats a lot, stud.

    and the list didnt cheer me up as much as her knowing the list cheered me up.

    there is such a wide difference between men and women that im always suprised what women project onto us. and theres such a big difference between me and most men that i wonder how these women who have known me so intimately, even for a little while, are thinking when they try to lump me into such a broad group.

    but the demons are persuasive
    and relentless
    and always there.

    if i was the devil id do exactly the same thing. i would hide out in the ear canal and just say the most negative shit. no way would i take human form, why bother. id just lay low and spew. no need to be originial no need to be accurate no need to be logical. just be negative. just be dumb. just instill doubt.

    in his book, just a geek, mr wil wheaton talks about the negative voices that haunt him as he tries to go through his daily life and he has funny names for them and the devil has tons of names.

    but if hes gonna hang out with me

    hes gonna have to outdrink me

    and run faster.

    and lord knows hes gonna find himself lost and confused if he ever gets much deeper in my head than my ear canal. cuz its fuck up in there. on purpose.

    i have the easiest assignment tonight. write something about blogging for a very nice woman in new york city.

    it doesnt have to be terribly specific, it doesnt have to be very long, it just has to be decent and come from me and touch on several logical points.

    but for some reason the devil knows exactly what to say about this matter.

    not, “you cant do it” cuz of course i can do it.

    hes saying shit like, “youre gonna be so bored doing this”, “what you’ll end up with will be dumb”, “she’ll make you re-write it a thousand times”, “the end result will be so dopey and the process will be so long you could have done far more interesting things if you would have just said no thank you.”

    etc.

    but the truth is there are angels that whisper to us too

    and some of them you can see

    and some of them are the ones who ask us to do the things that we procrastinate

    so my advice is, late at night, think about them

    for a change.

    but i will say this about the devil, he is right about one thing,

    our cute little virgin will be much better without me.

    sean bonner + nickerblog + let me get dat + splink + do i need a jacket?