the bus arrived and kurt cobain shook my hand and wished me luck.

what was different about this bus was it wasn’t a city bus like the others, this was a greyhound luxury cruiser. it raised my spirits cuz i figured they wouldn’t send a sweet greyhound for people who were going to end up in Hell. plus this bus said it was going to Springfield. i hugged kurt and climbed aboard.

it was a long way to springfield and as always i fell asleep within minutes of the gentle rocking in the cabin. when i woke up i saw that we were parked at the foot of a giant escalator at second and euclid next to a curious solar monorail .

after we walked through the mortal detector we were guided to the escalator and an angel held a clip board and as we got on he put a check next to our names.

it was a long climb, this escalator. i could see all of springfield, shelbyville, and much of capital city.

after a while i was above the clouds.

i reached the top of the ascent

and then, of course

i fell.

i tumbled and

hurtled and

somersaulted and

free fell and




screamed the whole way

and then

out came two angels.






help me!



now isn’t the time to lie


you’re going to hell, mr. pierce.


i was falling at a more rapid pace. the wind cut at me.

it was cold, but it was getting warmer.

don’t i get to be judged first?

you were judged as you got on the escalator.

but wasn’t God supposed to judge me?

He was The One with The Clipboard.


i was dropping at a faster pace almost like something was pushing me.

but i didn’t do anything bad!

everything you did was bad.

but i loved the Lord

then why did you download all that porn?


and gigs of mp3s?

i was falling so fast i could hardly breathe.

when was the last time you went to church?


nineteen ninety-five.

that church was a joke!

then why didn’t you find a new one?

you found new girlfriends.

you found new jobs

you found new liquor stores.

you found new vices.

you found new whores.

i never paid for sex.


the angel who wasn’t saying anything stood next to a plummeting blackboard keeping score. underneath the word angel were several dozen hash marks. underneath the word tony there were none.

you devirginized three girls.

they were women.

they were angels.

the blackboard angel lifted his eyebrows, the talking angel nodded and sighed.



didn’t you notice their perfect bodies?

three more hashmarks were added to the angel’s tally.

but i didn’t know!

you should have waited until you were married.

Thats not in the Bible!

one of them went away for summer vacation and thought she was pregnant and called you and you didn’t call back.

i told her not to call me that summer! i wanted her to get over me.

she thought she was pregnant.

she couldn’t have been pregnant, we used condoms every time.

she thought she was pregnant!

she wasn’t pregnant!!

i hurtled down ridiculously. almost as something was pulling me.

you never studied at school.

that’s a sin?

you wasted all of your talents.

that’s not a sin either!

it’s not a good thing.

a mark was added to the angel’s long line.

what are Jesus’s brothers’ names?

Josis, Philip… aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

the one angel nodded to the other angel, three more marks were put on the board.

i can’t concentrate under this pressure!!!!!

sure you can, name the Showtime Lakers

Magic, Worthy, Byron Scott, Kareem, Rambis, Cooper, Coach Pat Riley.

see, you can concentrate fine, so what are the names of the three other brothers of the Messiah?


you’re a minister yet you don’t know the Word. you write your own words, but you’re not interested in anyone elses. you memorize porn stars’ names, and not the real names of the man who’s heaven you say you want to live in for Eternity. you are what is called a Taker, a User, a Sinner, a Fool.

watch how the Fool falls.

i cried as i plummeted because i knew it was all true. as i tried to argue back my throat clogged up and tightened.

your sundays weren’t kept Holy. you kept your football schedule Holy, but that’s all.

another mark was added to the tally.

we hit the Earth with a painful slam and tunneled into its core. now it got hot and uncomfortable.

you didn’t honor your mother or father. you were the worst brother imaginable.

i never touched my sister!

you say these things as if you’re proud. “i never paid for sex, i never touched my sister.” do you think Heaven is for everyone who isn’t a total monster? no, its a special place for special people who have beautiful hearts and thoughts and deeds.


didn’t you conceive a video game idea where you would cross NBA JAM with Mortal Kombat and have the basketball players fight each other after a hard foul?


and didn’t you have a halftime bonus round where the halftime leader was given a rifle and for 24 seconds could shoot into the stands and pick off as many of the opposing fans as possible until a vendor, child, cheerleader, or mascot was shot?


you’re a sick man.

what about the Grace of God?

are you Kurt Cobain? are you someone who lived out in the jungles of africa who never knew about the 10 Commandments but was of pure spirit anyway? were you handicapped or poor or abused? no, you were a very well-educated, intelligent, highly capable Christian minister who squandered all of his talents unless it meant that it could get him flesh.

you’ll get plenty of flesh where you’re going, mr. pierce.

enjoy eternity where your heart truly resided.

and with a splash i landed hard into the scorching depths of the violently boiling Lake of Fire where i sank while my skin bubbled and burned off

hair on fire

muscles melting

i bobbed back to the surface, flaming,

swam with much difficulty as my hands pulled at the flames and not water

finally i made it to the shore only to discover sand so hot that the flames engulfed themselves

hothothothot i danced across the sand with no relief.

from atop boulders the crowds squealed with laughter and pointed as the spotlights followed me and the scoreboard spelled out my name and listed my crimes while the thrash metal ripped through the sky.

i ran to what looked to be a cold cold above ground pool fifty yards away.

i took long strides and cried with anticipation as i approached and then i dove

right into three hundred gallons

of ice cold


which exploded, naturally

upon my flaming arrival.

tech law advisor + flagrant + ken layne explains the machinations of sploid

is christmas a big deal in heaven, kurt?”

you better capitalize that shit, fucker.

capitalize what?

both those words.

i thought we got judged by our hearts and not our acts.

your acts are a reflection of your heart, dumbass.

i have respect.

then show it.

is Christmas a big deal in Heaven?

yes, duh.

do people light decorations in heaven?

whats that?

do people light decorations in heaven?

once again?

oh shit, sorry, do people light up decorations in Heaven for Christmas?

everyday is like Christmas in Heaven. it’s gorgeous, sparkling, wonderful. only difference is the music. carols like you couldnt believe. lots youve never heard.


sure. jingle bells gets a little tedious for eternity.

then kurt asked a fucked up question.

The fucked up question.

so are you ready?

i knew what he was asking but i pretended that i didnt.

ready for what?

ready to be judged?


kurt esped me. i didnt like it when he did but he did and it scared the hell out of me.

cockiness wont help you on this one, tough guy. this is one guy who knows when youve been naughty. knows when youve been nice. all your charm all your bullshit all your good clothes are worthless on this one.

we walked outside to catch the bus to the pearly gates. the ladies blew kisses at me and waved their perfumed hankerchiefs and wished me luck.

we sat on the bench and watched the sun set over the mountains.

the air was crisp, bitter, fresh from the latest rainstorm.

for the first time i noticed kurt’s low top one stars on the top of the left shoe was scrawled Courtney and on the right shoe was Frances. there were little hearts drawn around the letters and a few gold stars that had begun to peel off.

it nearly made me cry.

i saw some birds flying in the distance and for some reason i wanted to shoot at them, if only i had a rifle. and i thought that i was screwed for this judgement cuz my heart is so far from being pure. so far from being good. it’s a cloudy, dark, spooky place and out of the grit comes imagined prettiness and fa la la, but it’s pretty much a fiesta of porn, obsenities, fear, hate.

i was fucked.

youre not fucked, kurt esped.

i elbowed him and told him to knock that esp shit off, i was nervous enough.

dude, youre an ordained minister. you know the Bible, you have a heart of gold, 14 carat, but it’s still gold. and everyone, by the way, hates, and thinks about sex, and wants to pick off birds flying across the perfect sky when theyre anxious.

i really wanted to go back in that whorehouse and play a little more pinball.

and i had to piss like a bitch.

the week in rock in la

tonight 4/8
drive by truckers, el rey
olivia newton john + debbie gibson + shirley jones, royce hall
ditty bops, tangier
general public, malibu inn
rolan bolan, troubador
rev. horton heat, vault 350
joe satriani, ventura theatre
margaret cho, wiltern
dave attell, the canyon

tomorrow 4/9
cheap trick, vault 350
the soundtrack of our lives, tower sunset (free)
beat junkies, knitting factory
morris day and the time, malibu inn
bellrays, alex’s bar
digable planets, el rey
the naked trucker, largo
slipknot, the forum
powerman 5000, troubador
deerhoof, echo
loudon wainright iii, mccabes
margaret cho, wiltern

sunday 4/10
hydra, henry fonda
bellrays, alex’s bar
gza, the echo
trulio disgracias, viper room

monday 4/11
garbage, wiltern
the ettes, viper room
poop, anarchy library

tuesday 4/12
ozomatli, house of blues
michael penn, largo

wednesday 4/13
business machines, spaceland
union 13, troubador

thursday 4/14
death by stereo, knitting factory
the wedding present, troubador

miss badger + rockit + annabanana