after our orientation lunch break we had to take an exit interview

about our life.

how did you like your life?

shorter than i thought.

you lived to 109 didnt you?

no, not really.

you lied in your blog?

is everyone insane down here?

how many girls did you make love to?

15, 16. whatever the average was.

how many girls did you kiss?


you dont remember?

all i can remember are major league baseball players’ careers and nba players’ names. and even thats a little fuzzy.

what was your favorite movie?

the blues brothers.

very interesting. why?

it had all the elements of a great movie: people broke into song, there were dance routines, car chases, scores of cop cars being wrecked, nazis being outwitted, comedy, drama, carrie fischer with a machine gun painting her nails, ray charles shooting a gun at a little kid, and a shot of wrigley field.

did you have any children?


sad about that?


why not

ahh, i halfassed at everything else in life, i probably woulda halfassed at that too.

what would you like to have accomplished that you didnt before you died?

i would have liked to have seen the Cubs win the world series.

what, are you a comedian?

pardon me?

what was your major in college?


are you gay?


are you sure


hmmm, step this way.

the fine art of falling apart + zulekia + vortexia + nay

when i was in the orientation meeting

everyone had to stand up and introduce themselves.

hi, my name is tony. i was an undercover superhero in hollywood, california, earth, and now im here.

everyone booed.

down here that means hi.

it also means boo.

what were my hobbies?

i liked model planes, horticulture and reading the Bible.

they booed louder.

tony was also a very popular blogger.

this made them stop booing.

and slowly

they started to laugh.


one guy was crying he was laughing so much.

soon someone knocked at the door to see what was happening, someone told the guy and they pointed at me. then they both started laughing and patting each other on the back.

then i started laughing cuz it was pretty funny.

then everyone settled down.

then some lady chuckled.

then another lady gafawwed.

a dude snorted.

then everyone laughed again.

i laughed, farted, then laughed harder.

someone tried to ask me a question, but busted out laughing.

then everyone joined in again.

a fat guy turned blue and wheezed while catching his breath, his buddy opened his shirt a little and waved some air at him. he took out his asthma thing and blew some air in his lungs and stopped looking blue.

then he coughed.

then he went back to laughing.

then he ripped a little fart.

then everyone started laughing all over again.

happy birthday kiddo!

theres no internet in hell, just aol.

so its hard to keep up on the goings ons around the web, but this morning i was catching up with sara’s site and she said that her gentleman friend dan’s birthday was the other day. from the darkests depths may i wish my man dan a happy 44th. bottoms up, hippies!

sara shared with the world some of her juvenilia and i dug through my permanent record and found this old chestnut from my freshman year of college. its not as good as saras when she was twelve, but it was one of my most well-received stories, as i believe i got a b minus on it.

The Greatest Basketball Player Who Ever Lived

There was a boy who lived on a hill far away from everyone but there were trees near his home and the sun shined there nearly everyday. He had a dog and a cat and a cow and chickens and some pigs that he’d wake up some mornings and see turned into bacon for him to eat. He liked bacon. The trees grew oranges and the cow made milk and from some of the trees he made a basketball hoop so he could enjoy himself, but as the boy turned into a man he realised that he wanted other pleasure than that he got from his animal friends and his trees and sun and basketball so he went down the hill and met girls.

He liked girls because they smelled better than his animal friends and his basketball and some of the girls were even prettier than the sun in the morning and when those girls passed him by he’d try not to stare but as soon as they passed he’d look and watch, like he did the sun, as they’d sink below the horizon.

But the boy who was now a man had not been trained correctly, he soon discovered. To befriend these girls he had to act differently than he did with his animal friends, trees and basketball. You see with them, all he had to do was be kind to them, feed them, and tell them that he was glad that he knew them, and they’d grow and smile and rub up against him. He tried this with some of these girls and the results frustrated him. Some of the girls immediately were repulsed by him and would have nothing to do with him. Other girls were attracted to his sincerity and honesty but soon left him for “more challenging” men – like those in the armed forces. Our boy who was now a man was confused.

A friend of his told him that most girls liked to be told what to do – to be man handled – to be controled, ignored, and then suppressed. This sort of game-playing bored the man and he lost all interest in these nice smelling animals who called themselves women but acted like cats and were called girls.

So he went back up the hill with a new possession – a television.

This helped his situation a little bit – but not for long because on the television, quite frequently were pictures of very beautiful girls who’d grown up to be women. They had no smell but they certainly seemed pleasant enough and as out hero looked at his chickens and cows and trees he took his basketball outside and tried not to think of women but he was not successful.

That night he wondered if he’d ever find a girl who’d turned into a woman – and not a cat – who’d like for him to take her places and hug her and kiss her and not treat her like a pig who’d one day be his bacon – even though he liked bacon. The television told him yes but everything below the hill yelled no and he believed it. This is the story of the greated basketball player who ever lived.

xtraxyx + gibby’s game room + black sabbat plus the smiths = the blacksmiths !

to say that the subway system

in hell is complex is an understatement.

the devil runs a tight ship so you know that shits gonna be on time, but since the streets have no names you have to figure things out through landmarks.

tough trick when youre underneath them.

id just gotten my dick sucked real good by the two headed stewardesses at the sex palace and i towelled off, signed a few autographs and headed to Orientation Square where they said they had been waiting for me.

its quite unusal for someone to acclimate so quickly without any orientation, the woman said. its almost like you were meant for this place.

she had long black hair that went up into a beehive and splayed out like an explosion. she had firehouse red lipstick and wore a smart little tennis bracelette and nothing else so i just nodded and smiled and sat down in the chair that she offered me.





what are you sorry for?

not learning how to bat left handed.

favorite job?

gas station attendent, beverly hills, california

true love?


what do you wish to accomplish in the next six hundred and sixty six hours?

work out a lot, read genesis, and write one decent poem.

why did the chicken cross the road?


how to you take your coffee?

disquised as a screwdriver, no pulp.

last novel read?

white oleander.

isnt that a chick book?

porn has a lot of chicks in it too.

treacher + achewood + my headline/link suggestion made it on sploid!

on my way home i saw a sign that said Customer Service

i never saw this sign before and i followed the arrow to a long line.

after about an hour i made it to the front of the line and said hello to the woman who said hello back at me.

yes, hi. i was wondering where i can find pants. i have no pants.

you can find pants at the store.

she rang a bell.


no no. please i have a few more questions. i heard that on new year’s day we can be re-judged.

dont believe your dreams. you didnt follow or believe them on Earth, Hell shouldnt be any different.

yes, but i shouldnt be here. i wasnt all that bad. plus i loved the Lord.

do you want to fill out a complaint?

may i?


she rang a bell again.


just a few more questions, please. im new here.

you didnt take the orientation yet?

no. what orientation?

you need to go to the Welcome Center and tell them youre new.

will they give me pants?

no. you get pants at the store. they will also have shirts for you there too.

when will i get pants?

pardon me?

i am trying to be nice here and i am getting no satisfaction.

what sort of satisfaction were you looking for?

i dont know. doesnt the squeaky wheel get the grease?

she pulled a chain and a bucket of hot grease dumped on me.

it was hot.

and greasy.

she rang a bell.


stoned nerd + tabasco guy + grow a brain