1. Friday, April 8, 2005

    is christmas a big deal in heaven, kurt?” 

    you better capitalize that shit, fucker.

    capitalize what?

    both those words.

    i thought we got judged by our hearts and not our acts.

    your acts are a reflection of your heart, dumbass.

    i have respect.

    then show it.

    is Christmas a big deal in Heaven?

    yes, duh.

    do people light decorations in heaven?

    whats that?

    do people light decorations in heaven?

    once again?

    oh shit, sorry, do people light up decorations in Heaven for Christmas?

    everyday is like Christmas in Heaven. it’s gorgeous, sparkling, wonderful. only difference is the music. carols like you couldnt believe. lots youve never heard.


    sure. jingle bells gets a little tedious for eternity.

    then kurt asked a fucked up question.

    The fucked up question.

    so are you ready?

    i knew what he was asking but i pretended that i didnt.

    ready for what?

    ready to be judged?


    kurt esped me. i didnt like it when he did but he did and it scared the hell out of me.

    cockiness wont help you on this one, tough guy. this is one guy who knows when youve been naughty. knows when youve been nice. all your charm all your bullshit all your good clothes are worthless on this one.

    we walked outside to catch the bus to the pearly gates. the ladies blew kisses at me and waved their perfumed hankerchiefs and wished me luck.

    we sat on the bench and watched the sun set over the mountains.

    the air was crisp, bitter, fresh from the latest rainstorm.

    for the first time i noticed kurt’s low top one stars on the top of the left shoe was scrawled Courtney and on the right shoe was Frances. there were little hearts drawn around the letters and a few gold stars that had begun to peel off.

    it nearly made me cry.

    i saw some birds flying in the distance and for some reason i wanted to shoot at them, if only i had a rifle. and i thought that i was screwed for this judgement cuz my heart is so far from being pure. so far from being good. it’s a cloudy, dark, spooky place and out of the grit comes imagined prettiness and fa la la, but it’s pretty much a fiesta of porn, obsenities, fear, hate.

    i was fucked.

    youre not fucked, kurt esped.

    i elbowed him and told him to knock that esp shit off, i was nervous enough.

    dude, youre an ordained minister. you know the Bible, you have a heart of gold, 14 carat, but it’s still gold. and everyone, by the way, hates, and thinks about sex, and wants to pick off birds flying across the perfect sky when theyre anxious.

    i really wanted to go back in that whorehouse and play a little more pinball.

    and i had to piss like a bitch.