1. Wednesday, April 27, 2005

    woke up at clipper girls house 

    cuz my carpal was bothering me and i didnt want the tempation of my computer. she lives next to a golf course in hollywood so this morning the freshly cut grass totally smelled like springtime.

    i woke up earlier than i would have liked on account of the unfamiliar surroundings namely the barely there thin white curtains that dont keep the light out and dont keep the golfers’ eyes away from her cheerleader sillouhette as she stretches toplessly right before jumping on me.

    shes cute but has a worse memory than i and forgot that i had a fresh stab wound on my back and nailed it pretty good causing me to yelp which of course caused one of the old geezers right outside our open window to miss-hit his tee shot.

    so we laid there and she played with the random gray curleyques in my chest and she told me that i would make the best dad cuz i dont yell and im patient and im loving.

    i started laughing and i said baby i dont yell cuz we dont live together. i dont yell cuz i barely see you and when i do its all uh uh uh and then zzzzzzzzzz, and as for being a dad if i was someones dad id advise them to be a suckup faker phoney and buy gay clothes and do your hair right and drive a beamer and the world will be your oyster.

    she took my hand and placed it on her perfectly tanned ass which earlier i had searched hi and low to find a blemish – and had to hunt for quite a long time until i realized the only fault was my hand – and she said tony you dont do any of those things and the worlds your oyster and i said your ass my dear is not the world even though we both treat it as such.

    it was so peaceful that all we could hear was a metal driver pinging a golfball and the gurgling sounds of the mr cofee in the kitchen.

    isnt it nice to wake up like this she whispered

    hinting ever so slightly to the idea that rising to the sophmoric jokes and xxx audio clips of mr howard stern, as i have done for years now, is somehow jarring and disturbing, and definately not the best sounds to hear first thing.

    a long-standing minor battle that we often find ourselves in, and one reason why clippergirl and i dont sleep over at each others houses very much.

    but alas, due to the carpal and howard being on vacation this week to celebrate passover i found myself in the feminine world of quiet elegance.

    which of course called for a dutch oven

    which oddly ms clippergirl had never experienced before

    and when she accidentally squeezed my wound a second time i actually did scream and then paddled her as she squrimed in glee.

    a morning mr ryan seacrest has never had

    with a woman.

    wil wheaton live tonight at 8pm + jay v + stereogum