busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, May 31, 2005

    At a point in every person’s life 

    one has to look deeply into the mirror of one’s soul and decide one’s unique truth in the world, not as we may want to see it or hope to see it, but as it is.

    And so my truth is that I am a gay American. And I am blessed to live in the greatest nation with the tradition of civil liberties, the greatest tradition of civil liberties in the world, in a country which provides so much to its people.

    Today a man put a long shaft up my anus.

    I walked into a building and allowed the man to do it.

    I closed my eyes and grunted. He said to take deep long breaths and try to relax.

    On the tip of the shaft was a tiny camera. It was a video camera with a fish eye lens. It looked just like a Beastie Boys music video except instead of seeing the three bad brothers we love so well we saw my hairy ass cheeks and then my puckered exit which became an entrance and now im gay.

    It didnt end there though, friends. That was just the begining. The shaft went up in me and through my colon. Even though I had earlier been given an emema(!) the camera reported debris in my system. It didnt look like any debris I’d ever seen come out of me. It was green and looked like cottage cheese. Apparently next to the camera there was a vaccuum or something and soon the shot was clear.

    Ah yes you have very healthy tissue, my doctor said.

    It was the famous Goatsx shot over and over and over as the camera delved deeper into my virgin territory. A lot of it wasnt bad but sometimes the doc wanted to take some twists and turns that made life unbearable. Someone later said that I could have been on “drugs” aka nitrous oxide, but no one told me that beforehand. All they repeatedly asked was “who’s taking you home?”

    I live very close, I will be walking home.

    Which I did. yes i did. my first walk as a gay american.

    yes i still love women, but i just did the gayest thing i could imagine. if my friends that i grew up with saw what i did theyd point and call me what i am, a limp wristed girlieman.

    i predict my apartment will get tidier and i will have dust ruffles around my bedside soon.

    the parade of cheerleaders will dry up and replaced by a congaline of male cheerleaders.

    tom cruise will be jumping on my couch any day now.

    i miss my former heterosexual self and life, but now that im gay, i feel taller, somehow and more superior for some reason that i cant explain.

    the doctor’s parting advice? drink more water and your ass wont have any more troubles.

    there was a fire at a highrise at sunset and vine today. some people used to think that that “abandonded” building was the secret hq of the xbi. those people would be half right. it was the secret hq, but it hasnt been for a very long time. so now everyone can stop calling me to find out if im ok.

    im fine. but i’ll be shopping at trader joe’s more and joining a gym.

    curtis + man descending + zulieka + serenity now + hospital pics

  2. read the whole thing 

    Bush Calls Human Rights Report ‘Absurd’

    May 31, 11:21 AM (ET)

    By TERENCE HUNT

    WASHINGTON (AP) – President Bush called a human rights report “absurd” for criticizing the United States’ detention of terrorist suspects at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and said Tuesday the allegations were made by “people who hate America.”

    “It’s absurd. It’s an absurd allegation. The United States is a country that promotes freedom around the world,” Bush said of the Amnesty International report that compared Guantanamo to a Soviet-era gulag.

    In a Rose Garden news conference, Bush defiantly stood by his domestic policy agenda while defending his actions abroad. With the death toll climbing daily in Iraq, he said that nation’s fledging government is “plenty capable” of defeating terrorists whose attacks on Iraqi civilians and U.S. soldiers have intensified.

    Bush spoke after separate air crashes killed four American and four Italian troops in Iraq. The governor of Anbar province, taken hostage three weeks ago, was killed during clashes between U.S. forces and the insurgents who abducted him.

    Bush said the job of the U.S. forces there is to help train Iraqis to defeat terrorists.

    “I think the Iraqi people dealt the insurgents a serious blow when we had the elections,” Bush said. “In other words, what the insurgents fear is democracy because democracy is the opposition of their vision.”

    On another foreign policy issue, Bush said he expressed concerns with Russian President Vladimir Putin about legal proceedings against former oil tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovsky. Once the richest man in Russia, Khodorkovsky was convicted Tuesday of fraud and tax evasion and sentenced to nine years in prison following a trail widely denounced as politically motivated.

    Bush did not comment directly on the verdict, but said, “it looked like he had been judged guilty prior to having a fair trial.”

    The president said he has questioned whether the case shows a backsliding away from the rule of law and democracy in Russia and said it will “be interesting to see” how Khodorkovsky’s expected appeal is handled by the government.

    “Here, you’re innocent until proven guilty and it appeared to us, at least people in my administration, that it looked like he had been ajudged guilty prior to having a fair trial,” Bush said. “We’re watching the ongoing case.”

    okrent vs krugman + anti + matt good + jenny good

  3. as you know this 

    is ass awareness month here on the busblog and since the month is nearly over, heres your ass update.

    the doctor called at nine am this morning. murphys law since i didnt get to sleep till five am. four hours is perfect. thats all a man needs.

    he says, drink four tablespoons of milk of magnesium and get an enema kit.

    he says, have you eaten anything yet? good. just liquids.

    i was all, so you want me to drink the milk of magnesia and do the enema?

    he was all, drink the magnesium and we’ll do the enema here.

    dont get old, kids.

    i was all, ok, i’ll be there at two pm.

    he was all, how about one pm.

    i was like fine, one pm.

    ive said it before i’ll say it again everythings negotiable in hollywood. ask the virgins.

    so i went outside and walked over to the mom and pop mini market. its not a real mini market. you can tell it was never intended to be a mini market.

    a dude was sitting on a metal chair. he had a hat on. you never know if theyre filming anything here or youre being punk’d but you just play along.

    i went in there circled around the row and asked the chair guy, do you have any milk of magnesia. he pointed. all they had was a huge container that looked like a quart of oil. ten bucks the cashier dude told me. plus tax. he was on the phone. pinatas hanging right above him.

    and i got home and unwrapped it. a little cup was in there that seemed way more than four tablespoons. and i drank it and it was gross and i thought pretend youre on survivor. swallow it and stick your tounge out at jeff probst.

    all of this so a guy can stick a camera up my ass.

    so far my memory has failed me nearly twice. im such a creature of habit ive already put a bagel in the toaster and poured cereal into a bowl completely forgetting that i cant eat anything.

    the first time i had to drink something like this was when i had a kidney stone and after it passed the doc made me drink some crappy crap and the next day he was going to make me drink a fluid which would show up in an xray. for some reason i thought the laxitive was going to make me uncontrolably xpell. is this gross enough for you. but it didnt and in a strange way i was somewhat disappointed. all it did was churn my stomach like i had eaten an old bowl of tom kha kai soup.

    and with that we conclude ass month

    rabbit blog + gorilla mask + buy me some peanuts

  4. miss universe pagent 

    bangkock, thailand
    nbc

    yes i called it. yes im amazing. yes its a little creepy.

    the dazzling blue eyes of miss canada triumphed over a latin onslaught of beauty and curves and va va voom to become miss universe 2005.

    in what might have been the first all-brunette and all-american (north, central, south) final, toronto’s Natalie Glebova is officially the hottest chick of the week.

    the 5’11″ goddess had stiff competition as all of the finalists were quite adept at looking smokin in a dress, looking glamorous in a completely unflattering bikini, looking devistating in an evening gown, and being able to walk fast and spin in heels on a ramp, down stairs, and across a shiny stage.

    did miss glebova answer the final question all that well? nah. but her eyes made you crumble at her feet and she didnt fuck up and she had that lil something special that made you say got damn.

    the evening gown competition easilly went to miss venuzuela whose every curves were savored by the dress that seemed to be made especially for her. but when it came to questiontime she froze up and stood there like a dope. even in the forgiving nation of thailand thats unforgiveable.

    miss canada won on my ballot in the swimsuit competition. she was graceful smooth while she walked across the stage, she seemed confident and her body said mama mia with french accent.

    even though the judges selected miss puerto rico to be the runner up, i would have chosen miss mexico, but i was distracted with my own swimsuit modeling happening in front of my tv as my baseball date became obsessed with showing me how each of the girls were walking incorrectly

    particularily miss usa who seemed equal parts drunk and retarded.

    almost like her ben-wah balls had broken free and she was trying to keep them in their place.

    miss usa was an embarrassment and obviously the only reason she made it to the top 10 was for ratings which is sad because miss thailand, who won the costume portion of the competition, was very appealing in my household.

    i was very happy with the presentation of the competition. i was particularily pleased that they didnt bother us with any scores, tallys, or soap stars on director chairs in the audience to throw it back to the ever-annoying billy bush who seemed to want to start a fight with the dominican congregation and the slurry mcslurette nancy o’dell who filled in miserably for miss daisy fuentes who co-hosted last year with bush. yes its gay that i remembered that.

    heres what needs to change next year. the bikinis have to go. i dont know what nbc is trying to do with those bikinis but theyre horrible. are they trying to protect us from clevage or nipples? i think they must be. but when 2004 miss universe, the aussie babe whose dress accidentally fell off last year in a mall, when she came out to put the crown on miss canada, it was obvious that nipples were a-ok on the program.

    so please, someone, make a bikini that looks like a real bikini and not whatever that was that you put on those hot babes.

    meanwhile, bravo canada, your chickie didnt fall and she looked real good walking around like she did. thus ends our special coverage of the miss universe pagent. who knows maybe next year they’ll invite a blogger to cover it live.

    return to the busblog for more hot ladies

  5. Monday, May 30, 2005

    maybe this is happening to you 

    but with each day i find myself finding new things to procrastinate on. last night i procrastinating on showering and i didnt shower till midnight. then i procrastinated getting out of the shower.

    its almost like im milking every little thing to the last drop because soon im going to be back on the chaingang and all of this freedom is going to go back to someone else. thats what work is im finding. doing shit so someone else doesnt have to. i had a telephone interview the other day and the gentleman asked me my salary range and i totally copped out. its so automatic. and then i was thinking, what is the price of my freedom? and whats the value of my contribution.

    at this one place im pretty sure id be a pretty valueable asset. ive done this sort of work a LOT for way bigger places under tough situations and budgets and travel and ignorance and politics and blah blah blah, id be good for them.

    but who knows what Stiff might do out there. if i sold a few hundred more than how to blog i could take the whole summer off. thats pretty good for someone who really isnt an a-list blogger. for someone who cant sell blogads even at deep discounted rates.

    so the question is would you pass on a perfectly good job for a good company at the right salary at a job that youre actually qualified for, and could probably kick ass at

    or would you take the summer off and live life in la for three months and maybe work on a nonfiction book. maybe. but probably just wasting time. probably not writing anything. probably wasting the whole summer away on occasional bus rides to the beach and late late nights maybe working on web site crap. and possibly kissing girls. possibly ruling worlds.

    now im procrastinating the hot chick baseball date by writing this. and the only reason i am writing this is so that miss canada can get her proper due before the pagent tonight on i think nbc. miss usa shouldnt even be in the finals. neither should miss japan. thats all i know.

    one thing that im not procrastinating on is Stiff, the kurt kobain stories, as reported by blogebrity. i have no idea if anyone wants to read those stories again in book form, especially so soon after posting them for free on here.

    but ive edited every one. i rewrote some of it, changed a few things around. basically cleaned it up. you read all the time how certain editors will rip apart a story down the the bones and rebuild it. i cant say that ive gone that far, but i took out some chunks, i analyzed every word of every line and nothing was sacred.

    thats the freedom of looking at your work as a blog post, first and foremost. who the hell can get attatched to something as fleeting as a blogpost?

    my mom asked me the other day if i thought that bloggers read fewer books, or if people who read blogs read fewer books, and i said that i think blogger and readers of blogs love books and love reading and love information of all sorts of sources which is why theyve gravitated so easily to this new medium.

    of course it took me a half hour to say it cuz im lame.

    im going to take another shower on the off chance that i get lucky tonight.

    go cubs!

    bloggity news is on to me + pony in the air + chase me ladies

  6. its three fourty five in the morning 

    im listening to juliette lewis’s its a long road out of here which sounds like a cross between cinderella and meatloaf.

    cinderloaf.

    im not crazy about this record because it doesnt really capture the pure reckless abandon that juliette has live.

    maybe they shoulda just done a live record as their debut.

    just said fuckit.

    in a few hours a korean girl is going to come over here and we’re going to have lunch and then take in the cubs dodgers game. its our first date. i think its a date.

    it better be a date.

    if they have fireworks im gonna kisser when its fireworking.

    my computer monitor is trying to flicker off until death but if it can hang in there about a week, the replacement is on the way.

    thanks to ebay i found an auction from a famous producer who for some reason is selling a lot of his old stuff.

    im suprised because the producer has a record in the top fourty. i can see why he’d be auctioning off his sony 24″ computer monitor because he probably has a flat screen,

    but hes selling some of his gold records and outfits and recording equipment.

    makes you wonder.

    the miss universe pagent is tonight. monday night. my how time flies.

    im going to have to say that after much investigation im going to have to say that miss canada was the hottest chick on this gratuitus parade of photos.

    i’ll put her best pic up on the next post.

    meanwhile andy rooney had some good thoughts on 60 minutes that bear repeating. basically he said that yes its good to remember those brave boys who died and families that were destroyed,

    but maybe its best to try to figure out how we can stop having war be a “solution” to disputes.

    he said he’d be interested in a religion that believed in that too.

    amen baby

    and even though im unemployed im going to eat dodger dogs drink beer and have a fun date that might even include some cotton candy

    if shes good

    rampant intellectualism + moxie + happy birthday ryan

  7. Sunday, May 29, 2005

    Nine Inch Nails will not be performing 

    at the MTV Movie Awards as previously announced. We were set to perform “The Hand That Feeds” with an unmolested straightforward image of George W. Bush as the backdrop. Apparently the image of our President is as offensive to MTV as it is to me. See you on tour this fall when we return to play in America.

    TRENT REZNOR
    5_26_2005

    dear dave grohl,

    i understand that mtv has chosen you to replace NIN as a performer at the 2005 MTV Movie Awards.

    perfect.

    heres what i would do if i were you.

    first id get your band to soak themselves in mud.

    then you need to also soak yourself in mud and lower yourself from the ceiling rotating on your back like trent in the closer video.

    then i want you to unfurl a huge portrait of the president george bush, exactly the same one that trent wanted to display before mtv remembered that dear leader could snap his fingers and the fcc could find something to start using viacom as an atm

    and then dave grohl you and the foo fighters should break into “god save the queen”

    heres the lyrics

    God save the queen
    her fascist regime
    It made you a moron,
    a potential h bomb.

    God save the queen
    she ain’t no human being
    There is no future
    and england’s dreaming

    Don’t be told what you want don’t be told what you need
    There’s no future no future no future for you

    God save the queen
    we mean it man
    We love our queen
    God saves

    God save the queen
    cos tourists are money
    And our figurehead
    is not what she seems

    Oh God save history
    God save your mad parade
    Oh lord God have mercy
    all crimes are paid

    When there’s no future
    how can there be sin
    We’re the flowers in the dustbin
    We’re the poison in your human machine
    We’re the future
    Your Future!

    God save the queen
    we mean it man
    We love our queen
    God Saves

    God save the queen
    we mean it man
    There is no future
    in england’s dreaming

    No future No Future No Future for you
    No future No Future No Future for me

    No future No Future No Future for you
    No future No Future No Future for you

    not too many artists are in your position mr. grohl. nirvana’s catalogue will sell forever. meanwhile youve already made a fortune from the foo fighters, a treasure trove no one, im sure even yourself, expected.

    mtv are gutless cock sucking pansies dying to bend over to the will of those who snap their fingers the loudest.

    there used to be a time that the rock star called the shots and the suits stepped and fetched it.

    how many times during your working week do you have a chance to be punk rock and stand up for what you believe in while sticking it to the man who is treating you like a second choice and a safer pick?

    please do the right thing and f them like animals.

    nin videos + england’s dreaming + i would never bother you

  8. what the hell climbed up my ass 

    in 2003?

    i don’t know anything. i walk around and i smile and i swoop down from the heavens and do my thing and disappear in the smoke and mayhem but when the bell rings and i put away my number two pencil i don’t know shit.

    somehow i figured out money. for me, money.

    i also figured out how to go on dates. how not to fear things. how to beat crime. how to bet on baseball.

    how to use the force.

    but those things don’t mean anything.

    what means anything to you.

    i don’t even know what means anything to me.

    right now making dreams come true means something to me. making mountains out of molehills. finding out how small a mustard seed of faith i need to move that mountain.

    people write and say nice things and link and it doesn’t help you’d think it would, it doesn’t.

    it makes me look back at what they saw and i don’t see it.

    people ask about the links but they should pay attention to the pictures. the pictures are the distractions. the pictures are to make up for the words. the pictures are to make up for the grammar spelling sloppiness hurriedness technology lack of everything

    sometimes i don’t even know who im comparing this to. my friends, obviously, cuz they’re not only pros but they should be pros. but even the fakers. even the fake pros who don’t believe all that right wing hoo ha but they type it cuz that’s where the audience is and the meal ticket and the next job.

    my kingdom for someone to say i am not better off now than i was two and a half years ago, they found no weapons of mass destruction, they lied about what they knew on 9/10, they lied about pretty much everything and now they’re giving unnecessary tax breaks at a time when our country actually needs money, fuck bush. where are the big time suit wearing mother fuckers with the fuck bush in the lede?

    all over the world there are big time suit wearing leaders on both sides of the fence except in the home of the brave.

    here there are just the conservatives the ultra conservatives and the fucking losers.

    people forgot that the liberals are the last successful party. and other people are selfish enough to pretend that the dems didnt do anything for this nation. fuck both of them.

    i don’t care.

    all i care is that im about to go to bed and that a blonde girl wants me to talk dirty to her.

    all i care is the day is done and i got to bowl again and i got to say hi to some nice people in the world and im one more day closer to something else.

    and i really hope it really is something else.

    paul frankenstein + say a prayer for our pal wil + anniemosity + zulieka

  9. dear amelia 

    dont waste your time trying to lose weight for your man.

    im not saying that you couldnt do it or he wouldnt appreciate it, but how many people do you really see ever lose the 20-30 pounds they want to shed. im sure you two ladies only need to trim 4-5, if that…

    but food is great. enjoy your food, and know that your husbands love you no matter what sized car your soul is driving in.

    instead focus on lingerie and costumes.

    when we’re not eating and drinking and spilling our seed, men are visual creatures, delight our imaginations. also talk dirty. say exactly whats on your mind.

    two girls were over last night and i hadnt met one of them before and i was all when you put on this top hat nothing that you say will be used against you, recorded, blogged, repeated, or judged

    but it only works if you take off your skirt.

    that little girl had that top hat on in seconds and was spouting out some of the most filthy thoughts id ever heard outside the xbi lockerroom.

    and since im one to take requests, i pushed her down and cranked up the boom box.

    her friend hit the lights and i didnt wake up til one.

    im telling you that none of it wouldnt have been nearly as good if she hadnt shown up in a little red riding hood outfit after fedexing me a wolf costume earlier in the week.

    im not sure of the availability of outfits of this quality out there in the carribean, but you guys have carnival, theres a few things i bet someone could do with a little needle and thread. or you might want to hit up your former airline employer for a stewardess uniform, which has never been known to disappoint in my experience.

    as for the lines that you quoted me on. pretend when you read this blog that nothing in here is true. or pretend that sometimes i know the cheerleaders im trying to get with read this blog and maybe im making a little joke with them and im saying something outrageous to make them laugh. or pretend that maybe i drink a lot of rum some nights and i type out nonsense.

    i know this is a small world. and i know that i get a ridiculously large amount of readers for the type of crap that i write. i also know that most of the globe is not like hollywood california, where the average man and woman have not married their first sexual partners. however in no way would i want to insult anyone, anywhere, especially in a tropical isle that i would love to visit one day if i can ever win a cruise on regis and kelly.

    what was the question again? ah yes, how old must a man get to be as wise as me. like dress size, age doesnt mean anything. i often find myself in the presence of teenagers, college kids, and twentysomethings. sometimes i even find myself around people as old as you and your best girlfriend. i love all of you. everyone has something to offer. everyone is aware. everyone is smart about something.

    its not about age, its about experience. i know some people who did so much wild shit when they were in high school that even though theyre 22 now, theyve totally got it about the world and life and love and money and everything. its bizarre. those are the people who dont need the top hat to lay it out in a confident and beautiful way.

    and then i run across people who have had normal lives, gone to college, had kids, gotten houses, maybe they had even protested the vietnam war in the sixties, and smoked a little weed in the seventies with a black girl even,

    and they have turned into the most backwards, unenlightened, fearful, bogus, cowardly, hateful, ignorant, ugly americans you could ever imagine. it was as if they learned nothing along their way other than birth school work death.

    now some of those people are super nice people. please dont get me wrong. you can be lost and still have a really good heart. and im not even saying that i dont like hanging out with them. pat buchannan for example would be awesome at a backyard bbq i bet. awesome. bob dole spent most of his life being a tool, but now that hes retired i bet hes got some decent stories to tell and a drinking game or two that he could beat your ass at.

    so dont get fooled by age.

    also dont think that im a romantic just because i hold myself until my girlfriend is fulfiled. first of all nothing in here is true. stories about sex on the internet should be met with as much skepticism as stories about sex in the penthouse letters. also i date a lot of young women who have never been able to fully let go before so it doesnt take very long to “wait” for them to become satiated. and also i am very old and ive seen it all so its gonna take me a while to round third anyway if you know what i mean, which you probably dont but its cool im often misunderstood.

    anyways thank you for all the nice things that you wrote in your email. its very very nice to read such things because i am not always as chipper as i might appear to be and random emails from around the globe are as wonderful as you can imagine.

    my love to trinidad and the sandy topless beaches of tabbago.

    just a girl + bicycle mark + green catfish + fat free milk