one has to look deeply into the mirror of one’s soul and decide one’s unique truth in the world, not as we may want to see it or hope to see it, but as it is.
And so my truth is that I am a gay American. And I am blessed to live in the greatest nation with the tradition of civil liberties, the greatest tradition of civil liberties in the world, in a country which provides so much to its people.
Today a man put a long shaft up my anus.
I walked into a building and allowed the man to do it.
I closed my eyes and grunted. He said to take deep long breaths and try to relax.
On the tip of the shaft was a tiny camera. It was a video camera with a fish eye lens. It looked just like a Beastie Boys music video except instead of seeing the three bad brothers we love so well we saw my hairy ass cheeks and then my puckered exit which became an entrance and now im gay.
It didnt end there though, friends. That was just the begining. The shaft went up in me and through my colon. Even though I had earlier been given an emema(!) the camera reported debris in my system. It didnt look like any debris I’d ever seen come out of me. It was green and looked like cottage cheese. Apparently next to the camera there was a vaccuum or something and soon the shot was clear.
Ah yes you have very healthy tissue, my doctor said.
It was the famous Goatsx shot over and over and over as the camera delved deeper into my virgin territory. A lot of it wasnt bad but sometimes the doc wanted to take some twists and turns that made life unbearable. Someone later said that I could have been on “drugs” aka nitrous oxide, but no one told me that beforehand. All they repeatedly asked was “who’s taking you home?”
I live very close, I will be walking home.
Which I did. yes i did. my first walk as a gay american.
yes i still love women, but i just did the gayest thing i could imagine. if my friends that i grew up with saw what i did theyd point and call me what i am, a limp wristed girlieman.
i predict my apartment will get tidier and i will have dust ruffles around my bedside soon.
the parade of cheerleaders will dry up and replaced by a congaline of male cheerleaders.
tom cruise will be jumping on my couch any day now.
i miss my former heterosexual self and life, but now that im gay, i feel taller, somehow and more superior for some reason that i cant explain.
the doctor’s parting advice? drink more water and your ass wont have any more troubles.
there was a fire at a highrise at sunset and vine today. some people used to think that that “abandonded” building was the secret hq of the xbi. those people would be half right. it was the secret hq, but it hasnt been for a very long time. so now everyone can stop calling me to find out if im ok.
im fine. but i’ll be shopping at trader joe’s more and joining a gym.