dear amelia

dont waste your time trying to lose weight for your man.

im not saying that you couldnt do it or he wouldnt appreciate it, but how many people do you really see ever lose the 20-30 pounds they want to shed. im sure you two ladies only need to trim 4-5, if that…

but food is great. enjoy your food, and know that your husbands love you no matter what sized car your soul is driving in.

instead focus on lingerie and costumes.

when we’re not eating and drinking and spilling our seed, men are visual creatures, delight our imaginations. also talk dirty. say exactly whats on your mind.

two girls were over last night and i hadnt met one of them before and i was all when you put on this top hat nothing that you say will be used against you, recorded, blogged, repeated, or judged

but it only works if you take off your skirt.

that little girl had that top hat on in seconds and was spouting out some of the most filthy thoughts id ever heard outside the xbi lockerroom.

and since im one to take requests, i pushed her down and cranked up the boom box.

her friend hit the lights and i didnt wake up til one.

im telling you that none of it wouldnt have been nearly as good if she hadnt shown up in a little red riding hood outfit after fedexing me a wolf costume earlier in the week.

im not sure of the availability of outfits of this quality out there in the carribean, but you guys have carnival, theres a few things i bet someone could do with a little needle and thread. or you might want to hit up your former airline employer for a stewardess uniform, which has never been known to disappoint in my experience.

as for the lines that you quoted me on. pretend when you read this blog that nothing in here is true. or pretend that sometimes i know the cheerleaders im trying to get with read this blog and maybe im making a little joke with them and im saying something outrageous to make them laugh. or pretend that maybe i drink a lot of rum some nights and i type out nonsense.

i know this is a small world. and i know that i get a ridiculously large amount of readers for the type of crap that i write. i also know that most of the globe is not like hollywood california, where the average man and woman have not married their first sexual partners. however in no way would i want to insult anyone, anywhere, especially in a tropical isle that i would love to visit one day if i can ever win a cruise on regis and kelly.

what was the question again? ah yes, how old must a man get to be as wise as me. like dress size, age doesnt mean anything. i often find myself in the presence of teenagers, college kids, and twentysomethings. sometimes i even find myself around people as old as you and your best girlfriend. i love all of you. everyone has something to offer. everyone is aware. everyone is smart about something.

its not about age, its about experience. i know some people who did so much wild shit when they were in high school that even though theyre 22 now, theyve totally got it about the world and life and love and money and everything. its bizarre. those are the people who dont need the top hat to lay it out in a confident and beautiful way.

and then i run across people who have had normal lives, gone to college, had kids, gotten houses, maybe they had even protested the vietnam war in the sixties, and smoked a little weed in the seventies with a black girl even,

and they have turned into the most backwards, unenlightened, fearful, bogus, cowardly, hateful, ignorant, ugly americans you could ever imagine. it was as if they learned nothing along their way other than birth school work death.

now some of those people are super nice people. please dont get me wrong. you can be lost and still have a really good heart. and im not even saying that i dont like hanging out with them. pat buchannan for example would be awesome at a backyard bbq i bet. awesome. bob dole spent most of his life being a tool, but now that hes retired i bet hes got some decent stories to tell and a drinking game or two that he could beat your ass at.

so dont get fooled by age.

also dont think that im a romantic just because i hold myself until my girlfriend is fulfiled. first of all nothing in here is true. stories about sex on the internet should be met with as much skepticism as stories about sex in the penthouse letters. also i date a lot of young women who have never been able to fully let go before so it doesnt take very long to “wait” for them to become satiated. and also i am very old and ive seen it all so its gonna take me a while to round third anyway if you know what i mean, which you probably dont but its cool im often misunderstood.

anyways thank you for all the nice things that you wrote in your email. its very very nice to read such things because i am not always as chipper as i might appear to be and random emails from around the globe are as wonderful as you can imagine.

my love to trinidad and the sandy topless beaches of tabbago.

just a girl + bicycle mark + green catfish + fat free milk