1. Thursday, May 26, 2005

    interesting day yesterday. 

    all these days are interesting.

    today though, sheesh.

    currently im in the jungles of hmo phone chain hell.

    i told a woman that i was going to cry if she didnt send me to the correct person.

    wanna know why i dont like doctors?

    last time i went to a doctor about something curious he greased up a gloved finger and shoved it in a place where not even God has explored and told me to pee on the floor.

    i tried and i couldnt but it was a bizarre situation especially considering that the view was amazing since we were on the top floor of the historic hollywood general hospital that overlooks los feliz east hollywood and on a clear day downtown la and west hollywood.

    the other day i went to the doctor since my insurance was about to run out and he said your tests tell me to send you to a specialist so i went to the specialist and this fucker wants to put a camera up my ass.

    even though im 111 years old i have a mother who is still with us, thank God and i was all ma wtf, and she was all its a colonosophy, youre a little young for that but colon cancer is something that you want to keep an eye on, its whats killing chief justice rehnquist.

    so now believe it or not, i find myself in the odd situation of fighting to get this camera up my ass.

    the specialist advised that i get on the horn today to my insurance company to make sure the proceedure got approved but since i had nothing to do yesterday i made a call yesterday and left a message.

    then today i got serious about it. and left a message at noon. then at 2 i called again and was hung up on before being said hello.

    i need a vacation.

    so i called back and she said oh yeah you are calling the wrong number. i wanted to say, you heard both of my messages and you werent going to call me back? but im nice. she gave me a different number. i called that one. she sent me back to the first one.

    i told that lady that i was going to jump off a bridge if she didnt help me.

    please dont do that, she said.

    all these women are latin. you can tell.

    i dont know what that means, im just reporting the facts.

    the latin ladies were not giving me any love today. except the one who i told i was gonna cry if she didnt get me to the right place.

    i said to the new one are you hollywood general medical group

    she said yes

    i said i was told that i need the coordinator of the hollywood general medical group to approve my authorization, please do not send me to orange county, please find me the coordinator of the hollywood general medical group

    i was put on hold for maybe three minutes, then i heard two beeps and i was hung up on.

    i called back and said my name. she said i am so sorry, but i have the person who can help you.

    i could go on. but i wont because i cant believe that im doing all of this, even now blogging about it, so that i can get a camera up my ass

    some of the prettiest girls on planet earth have wanted to even look at my asshole and i wont let them and yet im fighting to have this man ive never met to invade my most personal privacy.

    so the last lady says when was the request faxed in? i said probably tuesday. she asked what number was it faxed in from? i was all what?

    she said, i cant believe she said this, but she did. she said, we get soooo many faxes in here but theyre not paper faxes, theyre emailed faxes, but you cant search the names, you can only search the phone number that it was faxed from.

    i was all, so please call my doctor and find out his fax number

    she was all, you have to call him.

    and of course he’d rather be golfing and im sitting here watching the cubs lose.

    like a bitch.

    an mp3 of the Amazing Race winners telling the untold story + via fook the people + thanks!