moxie who knows a thing or two about floating in a hotel pool and this morning she emailed me and said that if i wanted to swim with her and her girlfriends that wednesday would be the day and i was all why not today what else you girls have to do and she was all we have to tone up.
these are the skinniest girls youve ever met, america. skinniest.
some people think the biggest problems in america is the fact that the republicans are gangbanging the consititution or that we’ve caused such a disturbance in iraq that the secretary of state cant even make a secret trip to baghdad without car bombs exploding or handcuffed executed men being found in the ghettos, or the fact that newsweek reported that us interrogators flushed the koran down a toilet in guantanemo bay in a way to torture afghan prisoners and people started rioting thousands of miles away in the middle east even though this shit has been going on for years.
no the biggest problem facing america is the fact that everyone thinks theyre fat and no one can enjoy eating and walking around and laying out poolside and getting naked on my coffee table without being selfconsious.
im all just dance bitch clearing room for her and threatening to go up there and shwo her how its done.
a man should be able to sit in his layzboy pack a bowl and crack open two miller high lifes and put together a funky little playlist on his itunes without having to tell the ho that she isnt fat eightyfive times. im going to start writing down what lines work and what lines dont because there is a combination
oh you get the hottest girls in la up in here i cant show you my legs.
come on baby you know i have no memory, plus nothing in there is true, im actually a thirty year old virgin, you know those who always talk about it never get it.
youre getting it now
dont stop, get it, get it
we are your captains in it
watch me navigate,
then after they cover up, then when they go to the hot tub they cover up, then when they walk across the yard to answer the bell from the case of mgd being delivered by pink dot they cover up and i say baby i swear if i was a chick and i had the shit that youve got and some delivery dude was bringing me beer id let him have an eyefull, you dont know men, that would make a mans day.
you dont know women she tells me and its true and im laying there with a gut and this year is the first year ive ever thought twice about taking my shirt off at a pool but shit after what she and i went through who am i kidding
im going to eat cheese on my burgers, im going to have mayo on it, im going to drink regular coke when i want regular coke and its summer if i want ice cream at two am in long beach im going to have a fucking ice cream from a roach coach in long beach.
people are blowing themselves up allegedly because of a magazine that most of these, and this is not a slur its the truth, illiterate fanatics who seem to have run out of reasons to suicide each other
and these fingerpolishing size four hawaiians are convinced that theyre fat.
and as soon as she returns im pitching a tent under my beach towel and i say baby let me show you the difference between what is fat and what is not fat.
and when she comes back with the bowl of pretzels im gonna see if she’ll play a lil game of marco polo with me.