dear the pope,

even though i despise anonymous comments, there was a good one the other day. the question posed was why should the pope be concerned with the legalization of marijuana.

and the answers are suprisingly simple.

the first being, biblically the good book is pro-marijuana stating clearly that ALL the green seed-bearing plants are here for our use:

Genesis 1-29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.

every. bitch. every. also see Genesis 9:3.

and of course he meant the happy weed that does make some a little sleepy at times, but so does turkey so chill.

so of course the pope should be upset that the world has gotten all freaked out on one of God’s most natural creations. especially the green herb that chills people out, mellows them, makes them laugh, and helps prevent a lot of the violence that riddles this beautiful blue globe.

the second reason the pope should be concerned about weed being illegal is that if it is true that 60% of americans in jail are in prison for “drug”-related crimes, and if it is true that most of them are minorities, then it is probably also feasable to assume that most of those minorites are probably african-american and/or mexican-america and/or latino. and therefore a very high probability that they are Catholics.

therefore the pope should be concerned that there are tens of thousands of Catholics in american prisons over something that shouldnt have been illegal in the first place! and theyre in prisons being exposed to far more deadlier sins than smoking the wacky tobbacy.

plus many of them are in those jails being converted to other religions.

like the muslim faith.

the third reason the pope should call bullshit on the war on drugs is because of the enviornment. everyone knows that hemp, the non-smokey part of the marijuana plant, can produce six times the amount of paper than trees do. and they regenerate faster than trees. and you dont have to use as much land as you do for trees.

the fourth reason the pope should focus his last breaths on legalizing weed is because of the economic windfall that it would create once america quits acting like lazyass stoners. if america legalized it, they could tax it. once other countries followed suit, america could export it. all of this means jobs. a strong dollar and a economically strong america means a more prosperous and less-violent world.

think about it, during a recession, like now, what are the best american exports? bombs and guns and cigarrettes. all wars are are infomercials for other countries to see how fucking gnarly our exports are.

wouldnt it be better if we were shipping off cargoships full of greenbud from oregon, northern california, and hawaii? america is far better suited to grow the sticky green than any other country in the world. and with our riches, we will actually donate to charities more.

especially if the pope reminds us who helped make it legal.

so do the right thing, the pope, and read your bible and let america know that the Lord doesn’t like it when you tell Him that His creation should be illegal because theres something wrong with being happy, and He doesnt like it when you tell Him that His children couldnt handle smoking something that hasnt ever killed anyone.

and not only watch the world become a better place, but watch your churches fill up.

in search of utopia + seabrook + melting dolls

its 2pm and im just now writing you.

i guess thats the life of a g-unit hussler.

work up at noon thirty and started scrambling to see who called while i was sleeping. my phone is a mess in the mornings.

then i got an email from a very important person that told me that my ship might be coming in soon.

so then i talked on the phone with karisa who said that she had her feet up on her desk and could feel the ocean breeze skip over the sands of santa monica and blow her long locks back.

then i told her i wouldnt be working for her company this summer, that i was going to try to write another book.

all of this was after spending all night Finally finishing my new book which i hope you all buy – but we’ll talk about that later.

at 111 years old, mc brown convinced me, one should start working on the things that he wants to do instead of the things that he should be doing. i dont have any kids, i dont have a mortgage or a car note. although a 9-5 gig working with the coolest chick in an izusu is a dream come true, maybe right now isnt the time to work 9-5 for me. maybe this is the summer i write like a fool.

very troubling descisions. very difficult ones. because no matter what i do i like to do it well. and even though i know her company would have been far far different than my former company, i havent had the best luck working for the man these last few years.

at e! i was loved by pretty much everyone other than the decision makers. no matter how i tried, no matter what i did, i got no love. at the dot com right before e! i was loved by everyone but the day they let go of 80 people they decided to make it an even 81 and added my name to the list. of course there was a disturbance in the force that made them hire me back 4-5 hours later, but the damage had been done and i started to see the writing on the wall.

a while back i worked for WebTV for a while. when then got bought by Microsoft i hung in there for a peice but i didnt want to work for the biggest company in the world. what was the point? so i started my own company of installing satelite dishes and hooking up peoples audio systems. i also sold peanuts at Giants games. basically i had three little jobs going and it was pretty liberating to do my own thing.

im thinking that this might be a good time to get that going again. not the install business, but the american ideal of self-reliance and individualism. of course it helped that i sold my second blog ad today, and for a tv show that i actually watched last season, and it helped that i finished a project yesterday that hopefully will be available to you, the book reading public on the target date of 6/6. but we’ll talk about that later too.

last night at the game was great fun. the things marc brown can do with his phone are amazing. only thing it cant do is get us beer service in our seats. for that you have to be matthew lee welch and be sitting in the presidents box.

basart got a call around the fourth inning and he picked up and it was welch on the other line saying look over your left shoulder. see me, see this wine glass? free! see this plastic dodger cap full of garlic fries? FREE! and then he whipped one out of the box for effect and then hung up cackling.

welch is supposed to go with me to the game tonight but hes probably gonna have to cancel which is cool cuz miss korea wants to come again as does mr science blog ben sullivan as does this fella who wants to be my lawyer even though im all dude i have a lawyer, back off, and shes due any minute so step.

two twenty two and i havent even had breakfast yet. as yankoff smirnoff said, i love this country.

she’s krafty + steph + simpleton + wil wheaton is getting better

hi june

you flilthy lil runaway, where ya been? could you have waited any longer to let may continue to have its way with me?

i was fired, i was beaten, i was lied to, then for a finale i was anally probed.

mark prior almost lost his entire arm, i was denied entrance into the graduate school of choice, and i had to sell out the busblog and pimp ads.

all of this happened in 31 days? fuck.

i did amazingly well with the ladies in may though, so i appreciate your ability to keep me away from bridges and tall buildings.

but how is it that the cubs dont have sammy in left field.

and how is it that these bozos are still running this country and therefore this world and therefore this war of the worlds.

and seriously how can jay leno be so flat-out unfunny and still beat dave night after night? the red states even run the neilsons? say it aint so.

why is it that the same biker chicks come over to my front porch nearly every day at midnight and ask if they can borrow a cup of sugar which is their little inside joke for wanna smoke a bowl neighbor and how is it that i refuse each night and they dont get the hint. are their leather bikini tops tied too tightly? do you think deep down they really do want some sugar?

im going to the cubs game again tonight. tonight is wednesday. thursday i have a job interview across town. i have no idea what to wear. the woman very politely said no need to dress up, we’re a casual company so you dont need to dress up for the interview. but what does that mean for a man who could very easilly dismiss the instructions and wear a suit anyway but who wont. even though sometimes its easier just to wear a shirt and tie and say fuckit.

when i was at webtv the receptionist had a basket for all visitors who wore ties. they were invited, firmly, to remove their ties and place em into the wicker basket. if they wished to do so, they could retrieve them after their meeting. most did. ties arent cheap. especially back then when a tank of gas cost a buck and a quarter and we were all like wtf.

i bought a tie the day after i was let go. its blue with white polka dots. i had an imaginary conversation with it when i brought it home. it went along the lines of

hi loser


what are you doing in my house?

what are you doing home?

i asked you first.

i dont have to say shit without my lawyer.

fuck you tie.

fuck you tony.

im gonna throw you in the fireplace.

im going to strangle you when youre asleep.

i wish you could, tie.

i wish i could too tony.

things have gotten a little better since then. ive gotten to sleep in a lot. ive gotten to update this blog a little more than normal. ive gotten to get my priorities together.

but it’s funny, almost everyone is advising me to not take this job working with karisa on the cool part of town during the summer. nearly everyone is telling me to stay at home at drink and write and write and write and see what can be said about one last gasp of freedom. one last perfect summer.

and as you know ive been known to date a virgin or two and one thing the virgins all have in common is they listen to their mommas.

and my momma would have my ass if i didnt go to this interview on thursday. even if i know they probably dont have what i need most. which is a company car, and the freedom to work at least one day a week from home. ridiculous request indeed. but my whole life has been one ridiculous front row seat of coolness after another.

except for most of may 2005 which sucked and im glad its gone.

and now over to david lynch with the weather

more dodger game pics here + and from mc brown + and from basart