im watching oprah.

told you im gay. shes having her “adults only” show today, which you wouldnt think you could do at 3:30pm, but whatever. they have this sex survey and experts and its all just a way for them to talk about sex and get away with things that howard stern gets fined for. nothing new here.

she has a couple in the audience that she invited to the show who have sex twice a day. oprah asks them, “do you work?” which is exactly what people wrote when i said that real bloggers should write at least once a day. “ive got a life man, sorry. i cant be bothered with that sort of schedule.”

and im like, how hard is it to write once a day for twenty minutes about your stupid life?

similarily, is it that hard to give it to your bride once in the morn and once before you count sheep?

ive never been married but ive lived with girlfriends for years and years and perhaps it was our age but if we ever missed a day it was for a very good reason and we made up for it immediately.

still, oprah reports that only 17% of married people have sex every day.

because oprah can get away with anything on tv, the censors let this one have a pass: an expert related that “sex is healthy for you!” by explaining that an average load of semen has as much protien as “a medium sized pork chop”.

and here howard has been having to tap dance around that by calling it a protein shake. as in, hey jenny mcarthy, do you like protein shakes?

americas most lovable talk show host also was sure to inform us that asian men have the smallest penises and african americans have the largest ones.

and they cut to a black man in the audience who said to his wife, told ya.

oprah did not deliver a steadman joke, which would have been perfect at that time, but it might be due to the fact that shes a lesbian.

siris holding at six + anna kournikova to pose nude in magazine + jim gilliam

during the month of gemini

we’re going to try something a little different here on the busblog. why the hell not. its gonna be called twenty minutes with tony.

what im going to do when i wake up is take a shit, wash my hands, brush my teeth and turn on the computer. then im going to walk out to my balcony, look out at the great wide miracle called hollywood california and turn around shut the blinds and go back to my little computer cove.

then im going to click around the blogosphere for twenty minutes, and then im going to write non stop for twenty minutes. its 12:56.

yesterday i went to a baseball game with a beautiful girl. this is two dates in three days with her so i think im doing something right. and i must say that after seeing the inside of my colon which processed 111 years of kfc, mcribs, banquet frozen dinners, hippie second hand smoke, gallons of generic fruit punch soda, troths of diet dr pepper, and maybe three salads its entire life it looked brand new so three days of a diet of dodger dogs and nachos was a gulitfree indulgent splurge that i might just have to try again.

right now the eagles are on my tivo, a band thats way better on record than in person or on the tee vee. it is pretty amazing how talented all of them were in the 70s and early 80s and how they all lost it all at the same time. not only were those eagles records huge sellers and great albums but frey henley and walsh’s solo records werent bad either.

only reason to see the eagles live is to go to an outdoor venue, get lawn seats and make out on a blanket. 104. don henley is a downer. they shouldnt let him talk. joe walsh is freakier with age. they shouldnt let him talk either. eagles should just have a hot chick with a microphone who roams around the venue with a camera crew and after each song she’s out there the camera crew projects the image on the screen behind the drummer and the chick asks the person in the crowd shes standing next to what song theyd like to hear and the eagles play it.

because the eagles are so polished that its hard to appreciate their genius and talent when everything is so scripted and set-up. call me old fashioned but there should be some sort of i dont know what to call it crispness? daring? thrill? during a live event. risktaking?

ive been to a million concerts but i’ll never forget this one party in this guys house in keeneyville illinios when i was in high school. the drummer had this 13 peice drumset that took up so much room but there were so many kids there that everyone was mixed in with the band that the drummers sweat was hitting everyone but he was smiling so happy and so was everyone else because any minute the cops were going to shut down the party because you cant have live bands playing in peoples kitchens in the suburbs of illinois and they ripped through as many metalica sabbath zeppelin floyd skynyrd bad company foghat and rush tunes that they could and all of them took requests and i cant remember the name of the band but i can remember that feeling of we dare you to impress us, fine heres us impressing you cuz we love those tunes too.

im not sure if this was an exemplary example of what you should expect with twenty minutes with tony. in fact yes i would say that this is not an exemplary example. but i think its a good idea. maybe i shouldnt do it with the tv on. maybe i should do it with the windows open.

and maybe i should have something ready by 4:20 every day too. like a four twenty deadline or something. not that i need a deadline, but i suppose it would be nice if everyone knew that at a particular time one of their daily reads would definately have something new. fine. its done.

and thus ends twenty minutes with tony. come back tomorrow when i will have startling information for your ass.

sf 49ers caught being meatheads + i met zulieka a year ago today + sk smith

hell yeah i brought my broom.

and marched that thing across the miles of parkinglot at dodger stadium last night, the final game of the three game series

it didnt hurt that the cubs were up by a run when we got into the parkinglot and up by four by the time we made it to the turnstyle

but thats where the terrorists won.

we cant let you go into the stadium with that broom, the young security guard informed me

i was all youve got to be kidding me

no sir, im afraid im not.

and i believed him so i very politely asked him if i could see his supervisor because bringing a broom to a potential sweep is a baseball tradition harking back to the olden days long before there were rentacops in front of the entrances of our major league baseball parks standing behind cheap folding tables.

he assured me that they dont make the rules and that his boss would tell me the same thing he was telling me

i was all, fine.

then he said, you probably havent been to dodger stadium before

which pissed me off since i had been there plenty of times, including the last two days. so i said, immediately

you probably havent been to a baseball game before.

and was all, sir, i work at a baseball stadium

to which i said if the home team confescates the brooms from the fans of the visitors, then it’s not real baseball any more. yes you work at a stadium, thats where it ends.

and then he told me my backpack was too big and he’d have to take that too.

after the cubs did, indeed, sweep the los angeles dodgers, this time beating them with a rookie pitcher in his major league debut, thanks to a three-run homer from shortstop neifi perez,

i retrieved my broom and backpack and marched through the now-dark parking lot holding it sky high.

why does that man have a broom? i heard people whisper.

the broom the broom! i heard cub fans shout.

come back when you have a ring, the snide hissed as they passed.

starts with a broom i snapped back.

dont mess with a man with a W shirt and a broom over his head.

come here with that broom two super pissed off shirtless tattooed gang looking dudes said.

they wanted to fight. welch was right, everyone wants to fight at dodger stadium these days. last night we saw a cat fight in the top deck that nearly ended in casualties. one drunken woman literally dove over the laps of four patrons in the front row and grabbed the hair of her victim. the women wrestled and people threw drinks at them

while i patiently waited for one if not both of them to fall over the rail and splatter into the loge level below.

the gang dudes asked me if i would like to ride the broom, so i gladly positioned it between my legs and skipped around as if it were a hobby horse and i yelled im riding the dodgers like the cubs just did yeeeeeeh haaaaawwww

shocked, they verbally abused my shoes(!) your shoes dont even match your gear, we’re gangstas fool, we match!

funniest thing ive ever heard in a parkinglot, friends.


so yes, the dodger fans are ruthless and looking to throw down, but because it’s LA everyones fashion-first. i got it.

and before the cheerleader drove us out of our parking spot i stuck my head out of the sun roof and yelled into the night sky LETS PLAY TWO!

joz joz joz on the sunset and vine fire + dirty fez + terra + everyone = hitler