1. Friday, June 24, 2005

    dear flagrant 

    pedro just struck out bernie williams and i figured id write you because i totally understand why you dont go outside.

    when regular people have to go outside theyre emmersed with the outsideness. its like being forced to go swimming every day as opposed to only going swimming once a year. the regular swimmers dont obsess about the temperature as they know theyll get used to it.

    what i want are things to be twenty four hours a day because even though the nice warm air is nice, the people in the daytime arent all that bright so why should i pry myself out of bed at noon so i can get out there and try to get shit done?

    the other day on my way to the beach i saw a sign that said 15 minute smog check, which aaa said i needed to get before i could register my new used car. $55 the dude told me and an extra $20 if it needed to be retested. lucked out and no retest was needed and the dude was great. as he did his thing i ate mcdonalds and he tried to get a little conversation going. he asked me about girls. right before he did my car he was doing this super hot chicks car.

    why american girls so bitchy? he asked me. i told him they werent bitchy they were unsatisfied. those were just chicks i hadnt gotten to yet.

    ha!

    but he was serious. he didnt like the way the college girl moved the lawn chair out into the sun and “observed” him during the entire process.

    i said bro. my man was a muslim he told me, an armenian muslim, he wanted to know if it was a muslim thing. i said no i said bro a girl like her might have moved here from ohio or some shit, and in ohio she was the hottest fuckin chick in town. maybe the hottest for three towns wide and everywhere she goes people kiss her ass. girl like that comes to LA and shes not even the hottest chick at the starbucks and there are taller girls bustier girls richer girls girls with xbi agent boyfriends girls with lil convertibles and girls with popular web logs. suddenly her ass is not being kissed and not only isnt her california dream coming to fruition but she can swear that people are calling her fat behind her back.

    i parked next to a hummer.

    so today i took my smog check certificate into my insurance people and the dude goes hey wheres your title and i said the other dude took it from me when i paid my fees last time. he said go get a smog check and come back and we’ll give you your registration. but this new dude was all we cant take your title. are you sure its not in your car?

    and flagrant, im on vacation, and even though this car is nice and it runs awesomely, i cannot afford to donate even one brain cell to the piles of paperwork required to make this simple transaction official. so ive been putting everything in this gay little folder.

    so i told the dude, no i clearly remember him taking the documents and only giving me this receipt, everything else is in this folder and i showed him that it wasnt in there. he didnt believe me so i went to my car to root around the empty glovebox and the emptier trunk. and yes a trunk with a wooden baseball bat with a nail sticking out of it is an empty trunk, got it?

    when i returned the dude apologized and said that the other dude had indeed collected my title but mailed it back to me this morning. so i would have to wait for it to arrive and bring it back in order to get my registration.

    but because i knew it was going to be the only human interaction of the day i let it slide and cruised through a burger king drive thru.

    nobody was in line. when they finally got to me i ordered the crispy chicken bacon cheddar crazy thing. after about a minute they took my money and a minute after that the woman i swear to you said could you drive up and then drive back here. i didnt know what the hell she meant so i just drove up. she said ok drive back. and when i did she smiled at me. a minute later i had my food.

    the other day this girl emailed me and said that she got off on people ignoring her, would i ignore her, so she came over here, got naked and i ignored everything that she did and said and she did and said some fucked up things but i did my thing and right before she left she kissed my cheek real nice and i could feel a happy tear run down.