1. Sunday, June 12, 2005

    hee-seop choi hit three homers today 

    at dodger stadium and eric gagne struck out two in the ninth as los angeles defeated the twins so lets do a 4:20 edition of fourty minutes with tony. fuck.

    vin scully was the happiest fan in the stands as Fox Sports West didnt break to commercial when Gagne got his fat canadian ass off his folding chair in the bullpen and ran through the swinging door in left field.

    the camera panned from his swollen ankles up his thick legs and up his bulging gut weird beard rambis glasses and salt stained sweaty hat.

    kids high fived each other, mexicans popped their collars, and the ladies took pictures with their cameraphones that will document the doings of the three rows in front of them far better than the little speck in the distance who has come back from injury and returned with vengence just ask shannon stewart who struck out on three pitches. bam.

    people laugh when i reveal to them that deep down im a scientist and for a long time ive been trying to figure out how we can turn kids left handed

    left handed because in baseball left handed pitchers are very rare and very important and its very difficult to teach someone how to be a great pitcher, but if you can begin by making someone left handed then youre on the right track.

    the old joke was one would just tie a baby’s arm around his back but twine would cause scratches and child protective services i understand frown at such behavior, so i was thinking what about shirts for infants that look like straight jackets sorta where one arm, the left arm, would be a normal short sleeve

    but the right sleeve would be a long sleeve but longer than it needed to be and at its end its sewn to the waist of the lil dickens giving the lad or lass absolutely no range of motion.

    now i can hear the bleeding hearts everywhere join in a chorus of Cruelty! but really, what do little kids do except eat shit and cry. if during that early development you can aid them in becoming left handed for the purposes of getting a major league baseball contract that very well could help the cubs win the world series then the ends justify the means and my LefTee isnt gonna hurt any toddlers, it’ll just encourage them to rely on their left hand and arm. as they should.

    if i could be anywhere in the world right now i would be right where i am. here at my beach house in malibu. far from the madding crowd. wishing of better situations where everyone was happy with every decision i make and every choice ive made. but life isnt fair and added to that im the biggest dipshit created. in a month i havent filed for unemployment, ive turned down great offers and i have maintained the lifestyle to which ive grown accustomed. my perfect Plan B was to selfpublish a book and sell a few hundred copies and live off that for a few months but im even slacking at that doing the incredulous which was to listen to naysayers who dont even read this blog very much. but thats me. mr. vegas. and you nevr know sometimes thats what might lead some to the right place. and deep down id rather give you a kickass book similar to what bukowski did many times which was include stories with poems poems with stories just like goober grape.

    only difference is bukowskis poetry story books were better than everything. they werent afterthoughts. they werent pathetic money grabs, they werent excuses not to apply at trader joe’s or finally get that cabbie license.

    women who never even knew that i had a girlfriend are offering me nudes via emails and webshows on the internets but im not interested which means im gay which i must be. something is definately wrong in denmark. im watching Bonfires of the Vanities. what am i doing watching movies on my tv. what am i doing having so many movie channels on my tv. what am i doing doing anything other than telling you more about how the cubs can win the world series before i die thanks to my army of left handed babies that will grow up and save us from this inevitable destiny of failure.

    if im going to experience failure its going to come at my own two hands. intentionally. not because of any goat or because of steve bartman or because nobody wants to take a chance on danny graves or trade corey patterson for steve podsedick or however the hell you spell his name.

    eighteen minutes left on this bloodletting. a good friend of the busblog wrote me a two line email today telling me that things werent going well for her so heres a shout out in her general direction. its weird having a relationship with someone for so long and not knowing very much about them outside of this blog and not knowing if what i write will please or displease and i said give me something to write about and i’ll dedicate it to you but she’s not like that and sometimes i wonder if i would be a good friend or a bad friend to her but i guess im a bad friend to my other friends so id probably be a bad friend to her too. the only thing i have found that im any good at lately is three posts a day and to be honest if i could do this every day and get enough off these ads thats all id do.

    someone asked me, danielle asked me if i would be visiting her now that i had a car and i said no, that i would take pictures of places that id never really have gone to before and i will put those pictures on here. and she said but san diego is a place youd never had really gone to much before and shes blonde but she has a point. so maybe i will travel down to my least favorite california city soon. but only under protest. and if i spend more than 24 hours it will be a miracle. consider a drive to baja a bigger possibility.

    ten minutes till five and a question i have to anyone who has made it down this far is this. my poems are pretty good, considering theyre poems, the redheaded stepchild of the written word and in many cases worthy of its low standing in the art-world.

    my question is, would there be interest in me reading these poems in an accompanying compact disc, or is that just totally lame. ive heard bukowski read his poems and ive heard william carlos williams read his poems and if there was a bukowski book that came out with a cd of him reading his poems i would get it but im a collector of course i would get it. do people really want to read along? its not like im some urban slam poet of whom i have nothing against but thats just not me.

    the good news about such a cd is they would be easy to make, cheap, and if someone wanted to make massive fun out of me id be setting that up perfectly. so i guess its settled. but i will do it only if we keep a countdown of books sold.

    the goal of course would be to sell 666.

    i’d make a thermometer to measure the progress.

    and, naturally, i would ask for your support.

    two minutes to five and fourty minutes is hella long, but not terrible. just type dont think just say the things that are there and move on. if people judge lettem judge fuckem. bad people in your life should not be given the power to stop you from doing the things that you like to do.

    especially imaginary bad people who might not even exist except in your own negative thoughts. ding.

    wild bell + blogging.la + freeway blogger + sean bonner