1. Thursday, June 2, 2005

    hell yeah i brought my broom. 

    and marched that thing across the miles of parkinglot at dodger stadium last night, the final game of the three game series

    it didnt hurt that the cubs were up by a run when we got into the parkinglot and up by four by the time we made it to the turnstyle

    but thats where the terrorists won.

    we cant let you go into the stadium with that broom, the young security guard informed me

    i was all youve got to be kidding me

    no sir, im afraid im not.

    and i believed him so i very politely asked him if i could see his supervisor because bringing a broom to a potential sweep is a baseball tradition harking back to the olden days long before there were rentacops in front of the entrances of our major league baseball parks standing behind cheap folding tables.

    he assured me that they dont make the rules and that his boss would tell me the same thing he was telling me

    i was all, fine.

    then he said, you probably havent been to dodger stadium before

    which pissed me off since i had been there plenty of times, including the last two days. so i said, immediately

    you probably havent been to a baseball game before.

    and was all, sir, i work at a baseball stadium

    to which i said if the home team confescates the brooms from the fans of the visitors, then it’s not real baseball any more. yes you work at a stadium, thats where it ends.

    and then he told me my backpack was too big and he’d have to take that too.

    after the cubs did, indeed, sweep the los angeles dodgers, this time beating them with a rookie pitcher in his major league debut, thanks to a three-run homer from shortstop neifi perez,

    i retrieved my broom and backpack and marched through the now-dark parking lot holding it sky high.

    why does that man have a broom? i heard people whisper.

    the broom the broom! i heard cub fans shout.

    come back when you have a ring, the snide hissed as they passed.

    starts with a broom i snapped back.

    dont mess with a man with a W shirt and a broom over his head.

    come here with that broom two super pissed off shirtless tattooed gang looking dudes said.

    they wanted to fight. welch was right, everyone wants to fight at dodger stadium these days. last night we saw a cat fight in the top deck that nearly ended in casualties. one drunken woman literally dove over the laps of four patrons in the front row and grabbed the hair of her victim. the women wrestled and people threw drinks at them

    while i patiently waited for one if not both of them to fall over the rail and splatter into the loge level below.

    the gang dudes asked me if i would like to ride the broom, so i gladly positioned it between my legs and skipped around as if it were a hobby horse and i yelled im riding the dodgers like the cubs just did yeeeeeeh haaaaawwww

    shocked, they verbally abused my shoes(!) your shoes dont even match your gear, we’re gangstas fool, we match!

    funniest thing ive ever heard in a parkinglot, friends.

    ever.

    so yes, the dodger fans are ruthless and looking to throw down, but because it’s LA everyones fashion-first. i got it.

    and before the cheerleader drove us out of our parking spot i stuck my head out of the sun roof and yelled into the night sky LETS PLAY TWO!

    joz joz joz on the sunset and vine fire + dirty fez + terra + everyone = hitler