which is why im gonna give you two posts in a row about our favorite web-based hobby.
recently i was asked how much i would charge to give a critique about a good-sized web site of a pretty large company.
i told them that i would analyze it and create a 6-8 page report worth of insight and links and i would follow it up by being available to them for a week so they could talk about the repot, ask questions, re-do things if they want on their site, edit or re-write parts of their site, and generally let them pick my brain for a week.
i had no idea what to offer as a quote, so i just figured id charge them what i got paid per week at my last gig. not a ton of money. reasonable enough, and i figured that if they needed me for an additional week it wouldn’t break em, and if they really loved me they could hire me fulltime and all would be good in the hood.
meanwhile in colorado…
a woman who fancied herself not only a writer, but an editor, And a consultant who is willing to travel worldwide to preach her masterful techniques on how to develop web content had linked my “how to blog” post.
however this particular writer/editor/trainer/ghostwriter/consultant didnt just link to my post, she editorialized underneath it by saying “Warning: A lot of bad, blithe advice lies on the other end of this link…”
and i laughed and i laughed and i read on because who doesnt love to laugh?
shes linking to $200 Blogging “workshops” where they will teach you, among other things how to use “Technorati and Google to find existing Web pages on your topic and how to figure out their ‘permalinks'” (i guess if your retarded enough to pay $200 for a blogging seminar perhaps you really do need a tutorial on how to figure out the subtle mysteries of ‘permalinks’),
shes saying such nonsense like “Good writing results most consistently from clear thinking and lots of editing,” (even though pretty much every great song you’ve ever heard was written in less than 20 minutes, so says just about every successful songwriter, most of whom were stoned out of their gourd.),
and then of course she goes on and on and on and on about RSS feeds and Podcasting which is the tell-tale sign of someone who cannot write: they spend a huge portion of their days trying to figure out how everyone can subscribe to their brilliant feeds and hear their golden voices, instead of omg actually writing down some decent original content.
good writers don’t give a fuck about spelling grammar blogging seminars third drafts and rss feeds in their blawwwg and they sure as shit don’t care about podcasting, sorry ev and noah. writers write and those who cant podcast. prove me wrong. i double fucking dog dare you.
which isnt to say there isnt a place for podcasting and feeds and all the other accessories that blogging has been blessed with, but it has been my experience that if a blogger really truly can rock the keyboard, they don’t a)need to bother themselves with adam curry’s lifestyle b)get obsessed with RSS c)do very much else other than straight-up blog.
and those who suck at all of the above, consult, or worse, blatantly rip me off without the courtesy of a linkback
TL Pakki Pierce anyone?
anyways after a while it became apparent to me that she was actually sincere in her madness and so i clicked around a little on her site and at every page i laughed harder and deeper and wilder and stronger
until i got to her rate page for consulting companies on their websites via Site Critiques!!! my my my what a strange strange world we live in.
turns out our girl will look over your web site and give you a 4-6 page report for $600, 8-12 pages for $1,100, and 10-15 pages (the “gold package”) for, wait for it… $2,500!!!! and shes offering tick tock only thirty minutes of her precious time to explain her findings.
here i thought i was pricing myself out of the market when all along i was selling myself cheap. plus i had discovered that i could be hawking typepad and teaching people to use technorati for two hundie a head.
adios amway, suddenly im in love with this woman.
thank you baby thank you!
not only had she instantly substantiated my rate but she gave me dozens of new examples of how not to create a blog.
first of all, don’t tell people not to write. thats like telling baseball players not to take batting practice or telling musicians not to practice. she says (im paraphrasing) “fine, write if you must, but don’t hit Publish every day. think about what your writing, edit the shit of it. hold everything precious. obsess over every t and each i.”
she calls herself worthy of a buck a word for a report and yet in the face of the fact that 9 out of 10 blogs dont make it to its year anniversary, shes going to advise people not to maintain the practice of writing at different parts in the day, multiple times a day, thereby building a following, which will help keep the blog alive?
and you also don’t tell that to people because at the heart of blogging is freedom and experimentation and the practice and throwing shit on the wall and seeing what sticks. its about exploring the new frontier not about overanalyzing last weeks ruminations. its not about keeping things in the garage, its about getting it on the track and flooring that fucker.
you also don’t use big words if your full of shit. easiest way to tell if someone is full of shit is to notice how many big words they use, and Lord help us all if they name their blog something ridiculously pretentious like “Contentious”, and sweetheart, ALL CAPS TITLES ARE SO 80S MIDDLE MANAGER OMG I JUST GOT TEH AOL.
my girl has no pictures, graphics or images on her blog, she has no blogroll, and she has the gall to copyright all the pearls spilling over within her site.
people who have the brass ones to throw up oldschool (c)opyrights on their blogs, unless theyre photographers, illustrators, cartoonists, or nude models almost Never have anything worth stealing. add to that over a half dozen mentions of RSS and even more regarding Podcasting, CONTENTIOUS (please tell me thats not a pun) is a steaming heap of rocky mountain oysters.
the only thing more embarrassing would be a geocities page of copywritten original poetry framed with blinking animated gifs eightbit midi tv show themes and scripts that turn your cursor into a butterfly
but God Bless her because when bro emails me back to discuss my rate i will just send him her way and say you can have her for more than twice the price
or you can have mr busblog and his blithe advice whose links actually work and who isnt afraid to step up to the plate day after day after day after day and take his cuts infront of everyone
who literally wrote the book on how to blog.
got damn i love the internet.