nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, June 27, 2005

    it you click around the interweb 

    from time to time you will see someone guest blog for someone on their blog.

    ive tried that here and people pretty much hate it. but maybe i will try it again.

    ive seen it at other blogs and ive liked it. for example greg beato has been contributing at wonkette for a while now and every time i see his name it seems like a guest blog to me which i think is nice.

    the problem that i have when people guest blog is they talk about guest blogging in the guest blog. not necessary. get to the point.

    i also dont like it when people think that they have to either sound like their host or write something that would fit in or anything. when john and yoko co-hosted the mike douglass show they didnt stop being john and yoko. guest bloggers should blog just like they normally do and then some.

    im a terrible guest blogger because i want everything on the busblog. if i write something i dont want to share it. xTx however is someone who ive known via the virtuaworld even before the land of the blogs and so when she asked me if i would guestblog on her page i said of course of course! still i backed my deadline up day by day for a week. i couldnt be more lame. so as punishment i gave her the best thing that ive done all summer, an interview with The Captain of Venice Beach.

    what was amazing about this guy was how skinny he is and how nice he is.

    correct me if im wrong but i believe that anyone can set up a little towel there and sell whatever it is that they want and so you get all sorts of weird things. in the midst of all that is this very nice normal person who got sent off to fight a bs war. there are major bloggers out there who talk about the war and talk about life but for some reason dont want to talk about what happens after a war. what happens after there is admitted torture in places like gitmo.

    the bloodthirsty and macho forget the aftertaste of war when they dont deal with it on the daily. perhaps if the homeless were relocated to the red counties to be visual reminders of the real price of war, peac wouldnt be so quickly shunned and violence wouldnt be so quickly rewarded.

    sometimes the best veteran day stories dont fall neatly on veterans day.

    who would i like to guest blog at the busblog?

    kristin raymi flagrant xtx paige sk jag anti mattgood jengood zulieka wil sean and christie

    for starters

  2. three years ago today 

    jacklyn called me last night from her miata to cancel and since i was already in my pajamas bottoms and slippers it was fine with me. in the old days i would have been upset since i would have had cleaned up the pad or phoned the maid or tossed everything into a closet but my chick-esp was pretty accurate recently and the post-phonement was somewhat predictable.

    plus part of being a hot chick is to double- and triple-book and canceling becomes part of daily conversations.

    she was no amateur apologist either.

    lately ive been using the fuck out of my george foreman grille. ive been getting chicken breasts at the corner meat market– one of the benefits to living in a city– and slicing the slimy meat into strips. pour a little chinese chicken sauce and basil and pepper on it while microwaving green beans and whole potatoes, and within ten minutes theres dinner, slackerboy.

    the george foreman grill turns that meat into food in three minutes.

    because my carpel tunnel is slowly going away, but still there, i decided to fire up the television and eat on the couch like a normal human being instead of placing the plate on a chair and eating from it while i typed on my computer in the closet. on the news, which i never watch, were politicians and citizens in droves protesting the SF court that splooged on itself yesterday with its unfortunate ruling.

    not since 9/11 have i seen such bipartisan agreement on an issue and it made me happy.

    one senator said that a judge who would believe that “under God” could convince a kid to Believe in God shouldnt be allowed to be a judge.

    everyone was up in arms and suddenly quite religious. sure they were all dirty liars who would drive back to their virgina estates or dc condos and do any variety of very very dirty behavior, but our symbols are important to us, and their cush jobs are important to them, and all the Dans of the country are good for us, even though on this topic they are so very wrong.

    but it’s all good, im wrong once in a while too.

    drank a little more rum than the norm, talked to ashley and chris and jeanine and os and ali and so many other people on the phone and have i told you that i really dont like the phone? it’s true. what ever happened to all those beautiful promises of Virtual Reality? remember the huge sunglasses and wrist pad controller? that was so ’90s, isnt it like way past the year 2000 now?

    wheres my virtual reality phone where i flip on my glasses and i can see these nice people and talk to them that way?

    its 2003 and karisa calls me from her cell phone to mine and theres this 2 second delay even though we are only 3 miles away from each other.

    wtf is up with that?

    i know what it is, these companies are holding back on us.

    just like jacklyn does to her suitors, just like hilldale does to the Lord,

    just like I do to you.

    shabooty + funny tshirts + paul frankenstein + just a girl

  3. Sunday, June 26, 2005

    because of my former place of employment everyone thinks 

    that i have some magical access to the stern show archives or some inside info, and thats true but when people asked me the lyrics of the Beetlejuice Song i was all i dont even think beat himself knows the words but here is what i think hes saying

    This is Beetle
    he’s as bad as can
    he knows he’s the best
    this is Beetle he’s as bad as can
    he knows he’s the best.

    He’s big and he’s strong
    and he knows that he’s badder
    and he knows what he gets
    he knows what he knows
    and he knows what he have
    and he knows what he is
    he gets better

    and he’s a tough guy
    and he knows
    he knows the best

    howard gets his fair share of critics but one thing thats undeniable, he milks more entertainment from retards drunks and dwarves on his one little show than full blown networks get out of their entire talent department.

    think about the cast of characters that Howard has brought to the airwaves over just the last few years:

    stuttering john
    john the stutterer
    crackhead bob
    hank the angry drunken dwarf
    miss howard stern
    high pitch eric
    richard christie
    gary the retard
    crazy cabbie
    eric the midget
    capt. janks
    fred the elephant boy
    jeff the drunk
    dan the farter
    wendy the retard
    daniel carver

    none of these people who have brought us so much laughter would have been on tv or radio if it wasnt for howard. he knows talent when he sees it.

    as beetle says, he knows what he is, he get better.

    4rilla + science blog + xtx will host a guest post from me tomorrow

  4. ok this is a test post 

    to see how the new blogger upload picture thingie works.

    on one hand its incredibly easy because i had to hotlink pics if i wanted to blog from work because i didnt have photoshop at work or dreamweaver and many pictures that … well nevermind, this tool if it works would be amazing.

    what i really like is it will resize the image for you, for example whoops it didnt do such a good job on placing the picture where i wanted but thats ok.

    like with most of blogging, a tad of coding is needed to work the thing and that makes sense. if you want to be any good at cooking its helpful if you understand a little about science and nature and romance and love. therefore to be able to create a good blog its important, i think to know a little html, css, blogosphere etiquite, and a little bit about photoshop or at least paint.

    again that is just my opinion and this is a test post so dont get your panties in a bunch if you want to consider yourself some sort of blog expert and you dont even know how to put up an image or design your own shit or know how to make a button or if youre too chickenshit to just have open comments so that people have a way to throw a little checks and balance on your ass.

    the way i used to look at it was i get to say what i want in the post and the readers get to say what they want in the comments. checks and balances. but then i started to think, fuck, im trying to do something in the blog as a whole, i cant be having some nincompoop fucking up the program via the comments. then i was all, if some asswipe can instill some reasonable doubt through the puny confines of the comments, and if that person can do it despite being an anonymous naysayer, then maybe your point isnt so strong. but then i thought, if a cockroach skirted across the floor and out the front door id be startled but id go back to drinking by booze. however if a cockroach just sorta moseyed on through and took his sweet old time and maybe asked his cigar on my new rug or farted or said my decor was too-ikea ’02 id fucking smoosh him with my size 11s.

    but i dont know. sometimes the jockey just needs to show the horse the whip. everyone wants the jockey to be the boss, not the beast. but no one wants to think that its not a horserace.

    either way all i know is any blog either without comments or with comments that first get approved by the owner of the said blog will never be as good as a blog with open comments. and all these newspapers and magazines trying to be “hip” with their new blogs, realize that 20% of your grade is your comments, how you manage them, and how little you censor them. if this is really a conversation, how much like a real conversation will you “allow” it to be? which isnt to say if someone is being beligerant you arent allowed to call them out and walk away, but if someone has a legit concern or point they should, in america, have the right to say it the second they feel it, especially if theyre putting their name email and homepage next to their comment.

    but thats me mr vegas who doesnt give a fuck why should i im not pretending to be any hot shit knowitall faker in the first place.

    ok lets see if this picture turned out

    write hard + blogometer + do a Find on instapundit for “torture”, if you can

  5. Saturday, June 25, 2005

    a year ago 


    this time i was under the house. i had my gun aimed up through the floorboards. it was suprisingly cool under the million dollar home.

    million dollar homes in west hollywood arent rare. infact i overheard a report that the average house in west hollywood was going for $1.4 million.

    someone was about to die in the house and i was pretty sure it wasnt going to be me, but the things about the xbi is you never know. xpect the unxpected.

    he was pacing and yelling on his cordless. his people were telling him that we were on to him and we would probably be knocking down his door any minute. he kept walking over to the window, parting the curtain back and saying that he didnt see anything out there. his person kept saying get away from the window. get away from the flipping window.

    their entire conversation was being tapped and fed into my earpeice in my left ear.

    my people were giving me instruction in my earpeice in my right ear.

    all i was waiting for was for him to stand over the hole for one second next to the fireplace.

    like em said, sometimes you have one shot

    i noticed the shells of some hermit crabs next to my head. i wondered where they had moved on to.

    the earth was soft below me. powdery. and as i said, cool. it was the first day of summer but being so early in the morning everything was cool.

    everything except the man who was about to die from a bullet from the floor that was about to be shot up and between his legs.

    my partner asked me a funny question in my right ear.

    why are you still at the xbi, agent?

    i tapped morse code on my pocket transmitter. all thats needed is a finger on the contact button. i tapped:


    and a shadow fell over the little hole above me, i squeezed the trigger slowly

    and the man fell right down as blood poured down to the soft dust next to me staining the shells of crustaceons long since gone.

    wil wheaton + jason goldberg links to how you can add pics easier via blogger

  6. karisas right shes always right. 

    she didnt tell me that there were babes in miniskirts working in her office everyday when she let me turn down the job at her company but typically shes right.

    the other night we had dinner at her house and played with her little cat which is the best cat in the world. second only perhaps to his brother who i believe is still with us despite what she thinks.

    but anyway she told me that ive been listening to the bad angel a lil too much. in the xbi they have this exercise where you have to bang four cheerleaders at the same time and completely satisfy them before the time is up. because its the xbi if it looks like you actually might succeed they’ll be a knock at the door and two really pissy heionous looking women will come in and start yelling at you as you try to finish the assignment.

    they’ll say all sorts of things about your technique about your body about your style about your tempo about your torque. anything they can find to focus on you they will and because its the xbi they know more about you than you do.

    and just like anything, the secret to defeating the bitches is relaxation and concentration.

    see the pussy.
    greet the pussy.
    be the pussy.

    so to speak

    karisa advised me to put on a bad movie pour myself a tall glass of rum and turn off the telephone.

    so i was rockin the thirteen going on thirty, took a nice long gulp of havana club which people have been known to send to me and i appreciate it and my phone has been turned off for the whole weekend so that was fine.

    then she said type in your secret blog for an hour, then do a twenty minuter in the busblog. then drive around la and take pictures in the middle of the night.

    she said that when she was watching the nba finals she realized that the reason a good basketball player can hit a free throw is because he has blocked out everything, even the guy with the rainbow wig and spinning the giant pinwheel in his loge seat behind the glass backboard.

    i wasnt following her and she said forget about the comments forget about the other bloggers forget about everyone just write and hit publish. its the gayest thing ever, remember?

    actually the gayest thing ever is the fact that i love blow out on bravo. that dude is the best. in the latest episode he went to ny fashion week and totally told the designer that he was not going to do the hair the way the designer, b michael, planned to do it. he told him that right there in the tents before the show. he made the show about the hair and you know what the hair was the best thing about the show.

    right there on camera he was talking to betsey johnson and he was all this time we’re here doing b michael but next year we’ll do you and she looked pretty happy about it, but im not so sure hes zany enough for her. no offense.

    the thing about jonathan is the dude kicks ass. things really are perfect when he does them. this show reminds me a little bit of Hell’s Kitchen which is far more overblown and contrived but hells kitchen could learn a lot from blow out.

    first of all establish why we’re allowing the dude to have a camera crew around him all the time.

    the chef in hells kitchen is abrasive and its funny that he doesnt care that its american tv and he cant use all the cuss words they have to bleep out all the time but every once in a while show him cutting a pineapple open and into little stars in ten seconds. or have a cooking contest against him and let him show off. yes it was interesting that he totally prepared a pigeon but that was more gross and borderline dahmer shit. keep that to yourself.

    i also watched the first episode of the real world, austin, and now i know why jason toney wouldnt let me visit the house when we were at sxsw. he knew there was a ho in the hizzy and my reputation had seemingly preceeded me.

    the real world has a blonde girl on there who wants it at all times and if she isnt getting it she wants everyones attention and she doesnt care. and the real world has two girls who want to either compete for that attention or want to help keep it flaming. meanwhile they have a trio of dudes who simply cannot high five each other enough in celebration of their great luck.

    the abecrombie frat dude who the blonde wants the most even gets cold cocked by a drunken texan who breaks his eye socket, which is karma, but knowing that hes going to get boned repeatedly by a girl so hot she walked out of her room in a pair of booty shorts that fit her so well i raced to my tivo remote in order to still frame that shit in order to analyze its perfection. that hasnt happened to me in quite a while.

    so thank you mtv, you found yourself a hot little longlegged midwestern blonde who freely admits that shes a nymph. day one shes making out with a girl in the hot tub, day two she busts with the booty shorts.

    ten bucks jason got her.

    grey havens + german + dave navarro + susan mernit

  7. matt good an i have pretty funny telephone conversations 

    this morning he called groggy from an allergy or an illness of something.

    i asked him if it could be because of the Canada Live 8 lineup? he had his opinion about out, but said no it may have been the new tree that his wife bought for their home.

    we discussed getting a regular Podcast show going. he’s really up for it. id be an idiot not to get on it immediately. but then again i can be quite idiotic.

    i told him that we’d definately have to give Odeo a shot. but what equipment would we need to record our phone conversations and figure out a way to play music so that both of us could hear it. and how could we figure out a way to have callers?

    it might be easier just to get a radio show.

    heres the canadian lineup for Live 8.

    how can you have a canadian concert without avril, alanis, neil young, rush, arcade fire, sum 41, or an acutal canadian activist rocker mr good?

    Bryan Adams
    African Guitar Summit
    Jann Arden
    Barenaked Ladies
    Blue Rodeo
    The Bachman Cummings Band
    Bruce Cockburn
    Tom Cochrane
    Deep Purple
    DobaCaracol featuring K’naan
    Great Big Sea
    Les Trois Accords
    Gordon Lightfoot
    Motley Crue
    Our Lady Peace
    Sam Roberts
    Simple Plan
    Tegan & Sara canceled
    The Tragically Hip

    jenny lee + oceanaria + US admits to torture at gitmo but dont expect to read about it here

  8. four days until it’s released 

    Tsar – Bands . Girls . Money Review
    by Morley Seaver
    via rocknworld.com

    I didn’t think a whole lot of this record at first….until I cranked it! The first few spins had me thinking it was a generic hard rock band with a good sense of melody but there was where it stopped.

    Once I put some torque to it, the record showed its true stripes and it all somehow seemed to make sense. This is a melodic hard rock lite record that has punk (think Green Day) trappings. The emphasis is on the songs. There is not a clunker here, even through to some of the latter songs which are usually at the end for a reason.

    This is the L.A. (home of the Crue, Faster Pussycat and the like) band’s second release, the first for TVT Records (their debut was on Hollywood Records).

    The title cut just kicks the door down and invites itself into your living room. Fortunately it’s friendly. Manic guitars run shotgun with some spazzy vocals that sound like Steven Tyler when he was coked up, just not so much high (sorry, couldn’t resist) end. “Bands.Girls.Money” indicate the guys have their priorities in check, eschewing the usual sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll punchline.

    “Wanna Get Dead” comes wailing in with a boppy chorus and if your head is not moving by this point, you’re over-medicated. “The Love Explosion” follows and is one of the highlights of the record. It sounds a bit like the previous cut with its singalong chorus but stands out regardless. Memories of prime-time Cheap Trick abound with this song.

    “Superdeformed” summons the spirit of The Beatles with some late ’60s nostalgia that doesn’t sound like ’60s — you’d have to hear it to know what I mean. “Straight” is exactly that — a straight-ahead rocker that’s perfunctory but nothing more than an ass-wiggler.

    “Wrong” is another of those juiced-up rockers…great chorus on this one. Nice screamo, borderline-The Used vocals at the end. “Everybody’s Fault But Mine” travels the same road as “Straight”…it’s just a bit more adventurous in the chord structure.

    “Conqueror Worm” is a gorgeous, extremely ear-friendly piece. “Startime” celebrates the madness that is Los Angeles (no offence to all who reside there). And “You Can’t Always Want What You Get” finishes off the disc with a little less adrenaline but without skimping on the melody.

    Tsar has successfully side-stepped the sophomore jinx with this release. It’s jam-packed with hooks, well-constructed songs and a bit of everything across the modern rock spectrum (I said a bit, people…don’t be writing me saying there’s no Thrice or Killswitch in there). This is a great record to put on while you’re getting ready to hit the town.

    Just one last piece of advice…play it loud!

    mtv bio + amazon preorder + rocknworld.com

  9. Friday, June 24, 2005

    the week in rock in la 

    tonight 6/24
    digital underground, house of blues
    louis xiv, avalon
    unsane + 400 blows, echo
    spin doctors, key club
    taylor dayne, hollywood park

    tomorrow 6/25
    the donnas + louis xiv + jurassic 5 + crystal method + others, national orange showgrounds
    anita baker, hollywood bowl
    tom jones, greek
    bone thugs-n-harmony, ventura theatre
    heartless bastards, spaceland
    whitesnake, house of blues
    tommy the clown, key club

    sunday 6/26
    david byrne + arcade fire, hollywood bowl
    journey, verizon wireless theatre
    hall & oates, greek
    whitesnake, house of blues
    preservation hall jazz band, ameoba (free)
    dynamite freulein, the scene
    shabba ranks, century club

    monday 6/27
    juvenile + lil jon, house of blues
    me’shell ndegeocelio, el rey

    tsarday 6/28
    BAND GIRLS MONEY on sale today!
    wasp + la guns + stephen pearcy, house of blues
    slick rick, vault 350

    wednesday 6/29
    fountains of wayne (acoustic), largo
    mike jones, vault 360
    ringo starr, el rey
    loggins & messina, greek
    faith evans, house of blues
    matt costa, silverlake lounge
    maximo park, troubador
    vagenius, viper room

    thursday 6/30
    fountains of wayne (acoustic), largo
    the ditty bops, spaceland
    the pope, the knitting factory
    the young dubliners, viper room

    evil china doll + annika + ryan mcgee + lisa

  10. dear flagrant 

    pedro just struck out bernie williams and i figured id write you because i totally understand why you dont go outside.

    when regular people have to go outside theyre emmersed with the outsideness. its like being forced to go swimming every day as opposed to only going swimming once a year. the regular swimmers dont obsess about the temperature as they know theyll get used to it.

    what i want are things to be twenty four hours a day because even though the nice warm air is nice, the people in the daytime arent all that bright so why should i pry myself out of bed at noon so i can get out there and try to get shit done?

    the other day on my way to the beach i saw a sign that said 15 minute smog check, which aaa said i needed to get before i could register my new used car. $55 the dude told me and an extra $20 if it needed to be retested. lucked out and no retest was needed and the dude was great. as he did his thing i ate mcdonalds and he tried to get a little conversation going. he asked me about girls. right before he did my car he was doing this super hot chicks car.

    why american girls so bitchy? he asked me. i told him they werent bitchy they were unsatisfied. those were just chicks i hadnt gotten to yet.


    but he was serious. he didnt like the way the college girl moved the lawn chair out into the sun and “observed” him during the entire process.

    i said bro. my man was a muslim he told me, an armenian muslim, he wanted to know if it was a muslim thing. i said no i said bro a girl like her might have moved here from ohio or some shit, and in ohio she was the hottest fuckin chick in town. maybe the hottest for three towns wide and everywhere she goes people kiss her ass. girl like that comes to LA and shes not even the hottest chick at the starbucks and there are taller girls bustier girls richer girls girls with xbi agent boyfriends girls with lil convertibles and girls with popular web logs. suddenly her ass is not being kissed and not only isnt her california dream coming to fruition but she can swear that people are calling her fat behind her back.

    i parked next to a hummer.

    so today i took my smog check certificate into my insurance people and the dude goes hey wheres your title and i said the other dude took it from me when i paid my fees last time. he said go get a smog check and come back and we’ll give you your registration. but this new dude was all we cant take your title. are you sure its not in your car?

    and flagrant, im on vacation, and even though this car is nice and it runs awesomely, i cannot afford to donate even one brain cell to the piles of paperwork required to make this simple transaction official. so ive been putting everything in this gay little folder.

    so i told the dude, no i clearly remember him taking the documents and only giving me this receipt, everything else is in this folder and i showed him that it wasnt in there. he didnt believe me so i went to my car to root around the empty glovebox and the emptier trunk. and yes a trunk with a wooden baseball bat with a nail sticking out of it is an empty trunk, got it?

    when i returned the dude apologized and said that the other dude had indeed collected my title but mailed it back to me this morning. so i would have to wait for it to arrive and bring it back in order to get my registration.

    but because i knew it was going to be the only human interaction of the day i let it slide and cruised through a burger king drive thru.

    nobody was in line. when they finally got to me i ordered the crispy chicken bacon cheddar crazy thing. after about a minute they took my money and a minute after that the woman i swear to you said could you drive up and then drive back here. i didnt know what the hell she meant so i just drove up. she said ok drive back. and when i did she smiled at me. a minute later i had my food.

    the other day this girl emailed me and said that she got off on people ignoring her, would i ignore her, so she came over here, got naked and i ignored everything that she did and said and she did and said some fucked up things but i did my thing and right before she left she kissed my cheek real nice and i could feel a happy tear run down.