1. Wednesday, August 17, 2005

    my maid came over today. 

    yes i have a maid. in hollywood its a requirement cuz they know guys like me can be pigs.

    when i lost my job in may i also lost my girlfriend, so the plan this summer was to sit in my stench and smoke weed and beat off and not do shit until it started getting cold.

    after i took a little trip to las vegas i quit smoking weed and i found myself new employment. best laid plans and all that.

    so the other day when my friends came over to party with me i realized that i had a really funky apartment. not funky in a good way. funky in a did-i-really-not-do-my-dishes-for-three-months way.

    today my maid took care of all that.

    ive got a pretty good deal going with her. she used to work for the old lady upstairs for just above minimum wage. i told her id double that wage and tip her on top of it. so for $40 she does all the great things youd want a maid to do for you.

    each time she comes over i usually have something extra that i ask her for.

    this week there were two main issues. the first was the sink. i promised her that id soak the dishes before she came over. the second was the fridge. some raw meat bled all over the bottom of the fridge. i asked her to scrub that out real good.

    for her troubles i gave her an extra twenty bones. so basically sixty bucks for what the old lady would have paid her $20 for. needless to say she loves me and does extra cool things for me.

    no, not that, pervs. ive never met her. we do all our transactions by phone. sometimes she will have a pot of homemade soup for me, sometimes she will have a pie in the fridge cooling for my ass. today she put my duvet cover over my duvet, folded my shirts, and patched up my favorite pajama bottoms.

    god i love her.

    i feel clean all of a sudden. i feel like a man again. i feel like i can ask a girl to come over and i might even feel ok with her walking around my hardwood floors barefooted. how she accomplished some of this is beyond me because someone seemed to have entered my home last week and swiped my broom, and only my broom.

    im watching high fidelity right now.

    im about to open up john madden ’06.

    im contemplating reviewing some porn that just arrived in the mail

    but im so tired i might just see whats new with madden and call it a night.

    im old, america. so old.

    im so old if in a month my house is the same shape it was this morning and a hot babe said you can either give me sixty bucks for twenty minutes of hot action or you can give it to your maid id no question give it to my maid.

    thats old.

    and the cubs are coming back.

    bored housewife + sleepless in sarasota + pics of tsar playing to huge crowds