1. Sunday, August 7, 2005

    someone who had worked at my last job 

    and had heard of me was surprised when i bashed an anonymous negative commentor yesterday.

    he heard that i was a super cool very nice guy.

    and thats right, i am usually percieved that way.

    unless you fuck with me or my friends and then the xbi agent is summoned.

    last month some bloggers who didnt really know me but were jacking my style were suprised when the super nice hippie born again love love love blogger showed his dark side.

    oh ive got a dark side america. you bet i do.

    like you, im a complicated human being. but i think that confuses people sometimes. it shouldnt.

    i love the cubs and chicago and my family, but i hardly ever visit them.

    i love my friends and isla vista and the beach, but i hardly ever see any of them.

    i love music and living in hollywood and i love rock shows but i hardly ever go.

    i love girls and fucking and drinking and partying, but this summer i barely left my house and i didnt even go on one date.

    and the strangest of all, i love reading and writing and blogging and publishing my own shit but this summer i barely wrote anything, i read nothing but blogs, and even though i have a perfectly good book (or two) that would probably earn me about $4-5k, ive sat on it and havent released anything.

    i love the bible but i havent seriously studied it in years and years.

    i love writing poems and i havent written any poetry in years.

    i love my apartment but i havent fixed it up, i have a lawyer friend and i havent sued my landlord, i just left a crazy job at a tv network and i havent written down my experiences anywhere, i watch pretty much everything good on tv and i havent told you about it.

    one of my good friends is editor of the music section of the local weekly and i havent nurtured that relationship, i have about five chicks online who would get naked for me in a click and i havent asked them to, ive got a resume and a personality that would make me a millionare but im not interested. in fact i dont even know what i want to do except blog for someone. and yet i havent even tried very hard to do that.

    the good people of odeo last week hooked me up so i could podcast from their site and i havent tried it out yet. my friends from my old job want to have a farewell party for me (its overdue) and although i love them im dragging my feet on that. i have two new printers that i havent taken out of their box, i have tons of pics i would love to scan but i wont, i have tons of books i want to read but i dont. ive had people ask me to write screenplays with them or create tv shows or write books for humungous publishing houses but i tell them all thanks but no thanks not because i wouldnt like to do those things one day but today isnt the day and hell if i know why its not.

    i get bored super easy but ive never cheated on a girlfriend. in fact im the most loyal man there is and if i fall in love with a girl im in love forever and im in touch with almost all of them for the exception of those who dont want to be in touch with me for whatever reasons.

    i love chicago and baseball and harry caray and bill veeck but if comiskey park burned down i would laugh and piss on its embers. fuck the american league and fuck the chicago whitesox.

    im a devout Christian but im not so sure about forgiveness. if youve fucked me over and you want me to forgive you you need to write your apology out, cut your finger and dip your thumb in the blood and stamp it next to your signature, and maybe i will forgive you. if youre lucky.

    but if youve done me right i will be there for you day or night, at all hours, your faults will be strengths, your blemishes will be beautiful, i will tell you repeatedly that i love you and i will mean it and i will defend you and fight for you and when i fight i win because how dare anyone even consider trying to go toe to toe with us.

    i love my readers, i love my commentors, and i dont mind if people have constructive criticisms, but they better be right and they better not be anonymous because the lord blessed me with the power to communicate and with power comes responsibility and sometimes its my responsibility to call people out on their shortcomings.

    some people like that responsibility, i dont, and so when im forced to cull it up im pissed off and resentful because that energy, i believe, could be used in better ways for better people. and i hate the fact that idiots get to have my attention even for a second when it should be paid to someone who i love or miss or admire.

    people should write fan mail once a week. i do it because i get it and i love it and i want to pass the buck in a nice way. so when i find myself writing hate mail to someone i feel like its taking away from the fan mail that i should be writing and on top of it they dont deserve the beauty that my hate creates.

    the real world made me cry today.

    i did laundry.

    i talked to my momma

    and told her twice that i loved her.

    now if the cubs keep losing im going to kill somebody.

    paige + xtx + preshrunk + he knows words