1. Tuesday, September 20, 2005

    today the mighty doc searls 

    called me the best blogger ever.

    some of you have heaped similar praise my way and it humbles me to no end. as the man said, its just an honor to be nominated.

    any time anyone says something nice to me it makes me very happy, and sometimes someone will write me and say, “i see people kiss your ass every day, but i just had to say…” and perception is such a weird thing because yes i do get a lot of praise, but i forget about it almost immediately. you people have no idea how much weed ive smoked over the years, thus my memory is painfully short, especially in regards to compliments.

    anyways, all the nice things you guys say stokes me and encourages me, but when someone like doc, who is partially responsible for the famous cluetrain manifesto, says something like what he did today you can better believe i will remember it.

    he also linked to something that i included in How To Blog which i will repost today because my carpal tunnel is killing me, but i think i should preface it with this:

    the post in question was written about two years ago. it was written to two fellows who were fans of the busblog who were bummed out that i hadnt included them in my blogroll on the left. i hadnt done it for a few reasons the first, and most important, being that i had forgotten, but then, as i recall, they tried to be toughguys and call raymi some disparaging names. as you know i adore raymi – as a blogger, an artist, and as a person – so you wont get me to do you any favors if you insult my idols.

    at some point they tried to attack me thru a blog post.

    below was my rebutal.

    (and thanks for all the nice birthday wishes you gave my mom. i hope she reads that post today.)

    from the busblog 12/7/02

    the only thing i like better than a good bank robbery is a blonde bj with a redhead working the balls.

    hi, im tony pierce and i can kick your ass in so many ways, kids, that you better watch it cuz i will. for fun.

    and for profit.

    right now miss newport beach 2004 is speeding north up the long beach freeway in her miata to my cranky ass, this after spending much of the day with miss redondo 2001. is the fact that i get that sort of attention make me an asshole? no. being alive is what makes me an asshole. live a little and it’ll happen to you too.

    yes, i have for some reason left ward entertainment off my list of links to the left. blow me. im 109. this is a blog. get a life. i have carpal tunnel, but i can, with a little help uncurl my middle finger, raise it high and shove it right through your acid washed gap baggies. and dont think i wont.

    you call me a celebrity blogger? what the fuck is that. you call me the blogfather? then have some respect. how about an email? how about a comment? how about chilling out for a fucking second, dillweed. you’ll get yours.

    its a link.

    and you wish you flowed me 120 hits a day.

    you know who gets me 120 hits a day? not you. not the real blogfather the instapundit. “anna kournikova nude” gets me 120 hits a day so step off bitch.

    to me blogging is a variety of things. first you must know how to write. best thing about writing is that the more you do it the better you get and unlike beating off, writing well is something that you can parlay into sex drugs money power. so practice.

    when youre done practicing read the good book. when youre done reading do curls, pushups, sit ups.

    one day you might find yourself in the curious position of being requested to lift a young lady up in a corner of a suite in a swanky sunset blvd hotel far above the madding crowds and let me tell you the goal isnt to get there, it’s to stay there. the correct response is please dont leave me here alone tonight. call in sick tomorrow and drink mimosas with me by the pool.

    fuck links on a blog, fellows.

    so thats writing. the part that hollywood has all but given up on. the part that television couldnt care less about. the part that mr. miyagi would have considered both the wax on and the wax off of life. work at it work at it work at it.

    writing isnt bitching. writing isnt whining. not one man has gotten doubleteamed by brazillian gogo girls because he was a whiner. want proof? who’s the biggest whiner of all? thats right, drudge. and ask yourself, what sort of pussy does matt drudge have walking around his studio apartment clonking around his hardwood floors while he’s trying to type his little bullshit?

    zero, people.


    there will never be a “cribs” crew rolling up to drudge’s pad asking him to open his fridge to see if he’s got gold bottles of bubbly and a stripper pole in his boom boom room.

    whiners wouldnt know the first fucking thing about a boom boom room, so dry your tears and remove the back of your hand from your forehead.

    writing is comedy poetry and a freestyle bootycall that dips through drama and ends in a flourish of philiosphy. spread your wings and fly and make sure theres a begining middle and end.

    easiest way to piss off a hack: bring up his endings.

    and lie people.

    the asshole who told you that your lives are interesting shouldnt be trusted. i lied in nearly every keystroke of this masterpiece.

    even kids know that a good art heist beats a bank robbery any day under the sun.

    lie when you write.

    your boy drudge does.

    then theres design. i like ward entertainment’s design. i like riley dog’s and illuminent’s and i super love my long lost girlfriend whateverhername is from youfuckedupmylife.net

    love love love her design.

    love. and i haint linked her sweet ass yet either, so back the fuck up, boys.

    if i truly had interns instead of little teases who say they want to intern but dont, they’d do the upkeep on the day-to-day. im trying to lead by example, so dont make me make examples of you.

    my advice?

    think youre young and original?

    get out before…

    who’s that baldie on the sxsw page today? + the brownie merch has raised over $250 for the red cross, thanks y’all!