if you ever meet me, and odds are increasing that you will get that pleasure, you will see that im not at all what i appear in this blog. but if you do meet me you should examine me up and down and you should say to yourself
how did this dude wake up this morning with a girl who looked remarkably like anna kournikova who had morning breath and cigarrette breath and mascara in her blonde hair and lipstick on her nose and was he serious when he said dont get up and he kissed her and how is it that he loved it
how did this dude cuddle with her for hours as the neighbors smoked outside the window as the ipod rocked the speakers singing lets get it on and how did this knucklehead actually have the strength to do as brother marvin recommended after what this lil blogger did to her the night previous.
which is the cause of my sore quadraceps as i havent used those muscles in… months.
you should ask, how is it that this fool can drink the cheapest of rums straight no chaser and not be completely hungover in fact how is it that he will sing in the shower after she leaves at 11am and how is it that she actually accepts her removal from his domicile because the nerd needs to attend his live fantasy basketball league draft which will start at noon.
you should wonder why a bald man finds it necessary to shampoo his missing afro and spend so much time in the bathroom that he nearly makes himself late as he drives to two fast food drivethrus to get his favorite breakfast: two tacos from jack in the box, and a mcflury and fries from mcdonalds, mcflurries of course remind him of ashley*, pictured, above.
you should ponder how is it that he had the second to last pick in the draft of 16 teams and how was it that he got shaq and duncan in the first two rounds, respectfully.
you should inquire how is it that he then danced around his apartment, played guitar like a fucking retard, talking to his mom who sent him $100 which he will promptly place in either Sirius stock or in a Sirius car radio, a variety of his ex girlfriends, and several other people some of whom will be attending his birthday party.
and you should wonder why is this happening to him and not you.
and when you get that answer please let me know because i dont fucking understand it either because i have met some of you and some of you deserve this far more than i because on my special day i shave while on speaker phone with ac/dc blasting in the front room and Tsar in the bedroom and one of the girls actually let me talk hella dirty things to her even though she swore that she didnt like it but she liked it, of course she liked it cuz if you think i can write, you should hear me talk about something i know a thing or two about.
like what i did to the anna kournikova this morning with sore thighs defying gravity shapeshifting bodyrockin hiphoppin etc
i am having a wonderful day
i have not turned on the tv
i have listened to the tsar live concert that i linked like four times in a row
ive eaten tootsie rolls that i bought for the tricker treaters
and not lunch
ive considered porn cuz sometimes hot babes who you could bounce a quarter off any part of their bodies and trust me i have sometimes make you hornier after they do you like chinese food or some shit
and because its my birthday ms paris hiltons famous dvd is lookin at me and so is a number of dvds from the good people from anabolic who want me to work for them and so are a selection from shanes world
and then of course are the emails with attatchments from you, the lovelies of the web who never cease to stoke me even though i dont stoke you back.
but thats what this Buzznet world tour is all about: its drinks for my friends
Buzznet: when youre #2 you
try party harder
see you at the loft