1. Monday, December 19, 2005

    tomorrows kristinponys birthday shes twenty two. 

    myabe twenty three. who knows.

    thats the thing about kristin, twenty two sounds just as good as twenty three when it comes to her.

    we’re celebrating her birthday right now because tomorrow im driving up to frisco and it looks like there may be a little rain when i get into no cal.

    this afternoon mc brown let me out of work a little early so i could get the handyman before he left, and i was also able to get the tires rotated and a nice little jiffy lube oil change.

    funny thing happened… when i was pumping gas in beverly hills in the late 80s the old people used to always ask me to check the air in the tires.

    i was all equipped with an entire uniform: polyester dark blue stiff pants, a sweet dark blue with orange trimmed longsleeve undershirt with a patch that said my name, a powder blue collored shortsleeve shirt with a patch with said my name, i had a dark blue jacket with my name on it if it got cold, and they sent a shoeman around once a year to fit us with steeltoe black work shoes.

    and they gave us a tire gauge which we put in our pockets.

    only old people ask you to check the tires.

    old people will get out and watch you check the tires.

    youd think the elderly would simply buy a three dollar tire gauge if air pressure was so central to their lives.

    but instead they took their perfect cars into an full service gas station and paid fifty cents a gallon more so they could get out of their cars and watch them check their tires.

    the mexicans i worked with felt extremely insulted by their lack of trust in creeping out of the car to literaly look over your shoulder.

    but i told my friends to watch how they also got out and checked when the whiteboys had rushed the car. its not racism, its what old people do.

    and then i showed them how its done.

    what you do with an old person is perfect the head fake.

    make like youre going to the drivers side front tire and when the old man turns his back to close the door you slink all the way around to the passenger rear tire and take reading before he can catch up with him.

    then you head fake left to the drivers rear and when he leans that way you jag right to the passenger front tire and take that reading. then fake right again and sweep all the way around to the left and make sure the gas tank hasnt finished yet. if it hasnt check that tire while grampa gets blocked out by the hose.

    then you have one left.

    wait for the gas to fill the tank, replace the cap and put the nozzle in the side of the pump. look at the tire and tell the old man 5 bucks says its perfect. and watch how the old man wont bet you. he cannot admit to his mania. he will not admit to his madness. and hes on a fixed income, if hes wrong he cant get any flan at el pollo loco.

    but you both know that tires right on the money, all the other three are.

    plus half those old men were millionaires and if theres one thing i learned from most millionaires its this: they didnt become millionaires by losing a lot of bets.

    so today i took the car into jiffy lube and they charge $35 which is a lot for an oil change but they pride themselves on vaccumming your shit and checking all your fluids and making sure theres enough air in your tires.

    id be a fool not to jiffy lube my automobile before taking it up through the woods in probably a terrible rainstorm.

    so i made sure to buy a new pair of wiperblades. ten bucks each. big spender.

    so the chickie reads off the twenty odd things that they did and she said that the tires were checked but they were fine so i asked the dude if he could just check the two front ones for me because they seemed a bit low

    and i felt like an old man.

    check the tires sonny.

    but dagnabbit werent i right they were a good 15 pounds low.

    fuckers.

    so they got no tip. even though its Christmas. check my shit bitches, im going on long car ride to nevermind.

    and in oklahoma a super girl who i got to meet this year was born on this day.

    unsom + simpleton + ilisu + wes in calgary