1. Thursday, December 29, 2005

    yes i was definately a trucker in a past life 

    its 923am and ive got the travel chanel on and these two european hos are talking about zurich and im looking out my window at the 5 and ive gotta tell you i feel way more comfortable in a motel next to a truck stop thinking about getting an ultimate breakfast sandwhich and driving for a few hours than i do at some euro disco with chicks with freaky accents.

    last night when i was checking in the lady asked me what nationality i was, since yesterday was prove youre american day, i had to prove that i was Black to the woman who didnt believe me.

    so just like how i had to rap to jenny and matt yesterday (i forget why) i busted with a

    yo tell em where youre from

    straight outta compton crazy mothafuckr named ice cube
    in a gang called niggas with attitudes
    when im called off, ive got a sawed off
    squeeze the trigga and bodies are hauled off
    you too boy if you fuck wit me
    the police are gonna have to get me
    going off like a motherfucker like that
    with a gat thats pointed at your ass
    so give it up fool, when im down with a jack move…

    and just like now i forgot the words and so she didnt believe me
    so i dropped my drawers.

    and still she didnt believe me

    so i robbed her.

    which is when the car wouldnt start until i popped the hood, etc.

    driving down to whereever i am now, im still wondering, how do you prove to someone that youre who you are other than dropping your pants? i still havent figured it out other than to say i dont know you, i wouldnt lie to you, plus its a fucked up question and i dont know why youd ask someone that one minute after saying hello to them anyway.

    ok so the other reason im posting this picture is every time i look at the weather channel they have all these radar images of the pacific northwest like totally under water. then i turned on the tv and theres images of shit totally flooded and people swimming in the new lakes.

    and i hate to break it to you, especially you mom who is probably very nervous that her only son is in dangerous flood country, but the only clouds in the sky are skinny soft afterthoughts of a storm. maybe it was wet earlier this week, but its not this morning and i cant even believe that people were comparing the weather to el nino which is french for “in the winter it rains, duh.”

    i hate this woman whose the host of this travel chanel show. she tries to be witty. shes wearing bright colors and a messenger bag. shes telling people how to poop in florence. wtf.

    heres how to poop on the I-5, find yourself a nearly abandoned subway sandwich place and tell the lady that you’ll get a coke after you use the mensroom and she’ll say oh you dont need to buy a coke to use that and she’ll buzz you into the restroom and give you a little wink which you will obsess over as you do your business and wonder if that means that you should ask her when she gets off.

    winks. thats what this travel ho oughtta be talking about. when and when not to wink at lonely tavellers with kfc bellies and macncheese dreams.

    wait wait this woman is staying in a hotel that charges $750 a night!!! what is this all about? she just opened the balcony to her room and shes right on the river.

    dude im right on the freeway. and a womens basketball team was here last night, and they didnt ask if i was Black, the sistas know.

    meet you in the hottub i told them and winked.

    and theres very few sounds better than amazonian college girls giggling.

    jenny good + oakparkmastermind + matt welch + leah