1. Wednesday, January 18, 2006

    The L Word 


    starring jennifer beals, mia kirshner, karina lombard, and pam grier
    showtime, sunday nights

    fuck this fucking show.

    revolutionary? hardly. terrible tv shows have been on the air for years.

    heres what the producers were given: hot young lesbians who like to have sex, a cable network that can show nudity, a public who is ready for a show that revolves around lesbians, and a public who has warmly embraced strong female sexuality in sex in the city as well as gays in will & grace and queer eye for the straight guy.

    the bases are loaded, now bring that shit home.

    unfortunately instead of blowing the lid off my tv, they deliver me a topless after-school special.

    the biggest problem with the L Word is it’s too adult, too meloncholy, too safe, too serious, too dull.

    as exciting as thirtysomething, as dramatic as peeling potatoes, and as sexy as willard scott, The L Word sure shows tons of sex and lets us in on sex talk and we see hot chicks and steamy situations, but alas its as cold as an overnight with martha stewart.

    i watched this thing twice today and the best i can figure their first priority was to keep it so dry in the pursuit of “credibility” that Joe Sixpack Fratboy Maxium Reader would be bored immediately.

    mission accomplished.

    so then why all the “lipstick”?

    The L Word is as representative to lesbians as Cosby was to african americans. all the chicks are hot, all the guys are hot, all the sex is bland, all the conversations are about either lesbianism or sex or cosmo or getting pregnant or lesbianism or sperm or lesbianism.

    meanwhile theres hardly any music playing anywhere, theres very little background noise, or atmosphere.

    only showtime, who has a long history of making sex dull and disposable, could make the first lesbian tv series so unwatchable that im not sure i will tune in next week to see the (still) extremely sexy beals go down on her partner again.

    besides the lifeless dialogue, the tone is depressingly somber.

    did these lesbians get a hold of that type of weed that just knocks your ass out? they act as if theyre all getting root canals in the morning. they act as if they ran a marathon yesterday and they’re still recovering.

    the sole “straight” couple have such uninspired sex that you wonder if both of them arent gay. their sex is so unsexy that you could balance one of the glasses of merlot they’re constantly draining on a pillow on their bed and it wouldnt tip over.

    if i had a daughter and i wanted her not to be a lesbian, i would show her this tv program and tell her that all lesbians are this lethargic and emotionless and tired. and washed. and santa monican.

    if the queer eye boys bounced into the L Word these women would have a damn heart attack. are they lesbo librarians in training? are they auditioning for npr shows? can they just sit back and have a laugh without it leading to sex or having to do with sex? just one laugh?

    sex in the city may have been ridiculous and worthless and written by gay men for straight women, but at least it tried to keep things somewhat light and didnt completely take itself seriously at every turn. women i know who like the show totally Want to be one or more of those women on tv.

    i cant imagine anyone wanting to be any of these sad fakers who seem only concerned with one thing:

    boring the hell out of anyone who wanted to learn about this usually interesting world.

    congratulations, we’re bored.

    a far more interesting lesbian story about “bois” in new york + after ellen is more forgiving