1. Tuesday, February 7, 2006

    dear britney spears, 

    hi baby.

    i know you read the busblog because it seems like everyone reads the busblog these days, so hi.

    do you know mike tyson?

    what about michael jackson? i know you danced with him that one time at that awards show and it was creepy but do you know him?

    i dont but i wish i did.

    for if i did i would work out a deal with him that for a very low salary i would shack up in neverland right next to his bedroom and i would be his bro. meaning i would set lil ground rules so that he would never have any problems again.

    for example i love kids you love kids and mike loves kids but i would set a ground rule that no kids get to enter his bedroom unless their parents are there and there are at least two cameras.

    the king of pop might not like that rule but thats what bros do, they tell their bros when theyre entering dangerous areas. theyre real with them. they give them tough love when its time for tough love and they give them sweet love when… ok they dont give them sweet love but theyre mellow with them when its ok to be mellow.

    now michael might not like me keeping it real with him all the time and he might be tempted to fight with me or fire me but i would remind him that the only only only reason that i was coming across the way i was wasnt to make money off him but to protect him and make his dreams come true. in his case, the dream to stay out of the pokey.

    if i had been mike tysons bro i would have told him things like train hard, quit buying tigers, stay away from don king, and quit talking to anyone with a microphone.

    he probably would have wanted to punch me a few times but im sorta tough, i can take a punch. and i would have a tazer on my person at all time and id shock iron mike when he was winding up. gotta be quick around the champ.

    which isnt that hard nowadays.

    now theres you britney.

    if i had been your bro back in the day i would have made sure that you had some shoes so you wouldnt have had to walk into those bathrooms barefoot, i would have made sure that kfed woulda had a condom, i would have made sure that you would have gone to a real hairdresser instead of supercuts when you got that mommy bob when you were knocked up and about to pose for vanity fair.

    but baby, yesterday i would have never ever

    ever

    let you drive your suv with little baby Sean on your lap. and you coulda fired me you could have slapped me you could have sicced your bodyguard on me but hes a bro too and i would have said brotha im just doing my job and he wouldnt have sat there in the passengers seat and let you do what you did when you did what you did.

    and you woulda thanked me.

    wanna know why you dont see certain stars make these sort of mistakes in life? major blunders. fucked up shit that isnt cute isnt scandalous but seriously dangerous to innocent people or in this case babies? its because theyve set it up so that they have someone to bro them and snap them back into reality when their husband isnt around and their bodygaurds are letting miss daisy do the driving while blonde.

    now i already have job brit, but you need someone with the skillz that ive got. and maybe the buzznet boys will let me work remotely if you throw a few sheckles into their tip jar. but the people around you arent giving you the honest feedback that you deserve and i know its hard to be the bearer of uncomfortable news but sometimes it just has to be said.

    and if i was your bro id make a groundrule that says you can never drive your pimped ride for a while. there are far worse things than being surrounded by the paparazzi as your precious angel waits for the airbags to release.

    you need a driver, but moreso you need a bro.

    i’ll bro that ass.

    nancy + erin + jessica + welch