1. Saturday, February 11, 2006

    dear muslim extremists rioting in the streets 

    because of some cartoons,

    hi. my name is jim lampley. you might have seen me hosting the olympics last night.

    i am the second most annoying broadcaster in business which is funny because i always get booked for huge events like heavyweight boxing championships, and things like, well, the olympics.

    clearly i have photos of every network sports executive with little boys because i dont know one person whose ever said, “you know what tv needs? more lampley.”

    the only person more annoying than me is the little midget pictured, mr bob costas who obviously has even more photos of every network sports executive with little boys because he gets to do the world series, the olympics, basketball, and even the weekly football roundtable show on hbo.

    the reason im writing you, muslim extremists, is because i cant hold on to this secret any longer and i figured the best way to reach you is through tony’s blog because, well, blogging is everything nowadays, right?

    ok well heres the secret

    bob costas is really the artist behind those cartoons that you’re upset about.

    there. i said it.

    yes the danish news organization ran the cartoons but only because they were the only ones who were starstruck by the diminuitive amateur illustrator.

    i dont think theyre that good. and clearly you think theyre awful. but i cant sit here in torino italy and watch you burn up the danish embassy while knowing that they had very little to do with them.

    theyre the work of bob costas, who by the way cackles every night when he sees how far off track you are in your revenge.

    he cackles and holds his sides.

    he cackles and slaps the bedspread of his hotel room.

    which sometimes wakes me since we are doubling up on this trip.

    say what you will about his broadcasting ability, but hes very good at spooning and he doesnt snore very loudly.

    so there you have it muslim extremists. ive done my job as a fellow human being and as a reporter. the man you want to hang and burn and stone and shake your fist at is the host of the XX winter olympics, the man who makes you turn down the sound while you watch the opening ceremonies, mr bob costas.

    me, i wash my hands to all of it because youre as nuts as he is short and i think you’ll both burn in hell.

    see you in the funny papers,

    jim lampley

    flagrant disregard + terra + cracked via treacher