1. Tuesday, February 28, 2006

    from this morning’s comments… 

    Hey Tony,

    I know you’re not dear Abby or anything but as a sexy guy who tells it like it is (within the guise of ‘everything here is untrue’) I’m hoping you could help a girl out…

    My friend with benefits is into the nurse fantasy thing. I wanna surprise him with sexy things to say / do without asking him what he’d like. Besides examining him and maybe asking him to say ‘aww’ or strapping him to the bed with rubbber tubing I’m sort of at a loss of things to do besides our regular hot sex stuff. Does this nurse thing do anything for ya? And what would you want if it was you being surprised?

    Feel free to ignore this/delete this comment if you’re put off by my request. And sorry if that is the case. I promise I won’t ask anything like this again.

    PS: Love the blog & welcome back from Europe

    – Suddenly a tad more shy

    Dear Suddenly,

    you’re right im not dear abby, shes got a deeper voice.

    yes the nurse thing works for me. men are visual beasts so pretty much any costume or outfit will do the trick as long as its accompanied by stockings + lingerie + uncomfortable shoes.

    so make sure you have all of those and the hat and the gloves and the accessories. but also know that there are other senses that men will respond to.

    while in amsterdam i got to spend a little time with a woman who was a runner up for miss holland. to kid her i called her miss amsterdam. she didnt win the contest because she was a little too punk rock. meaning she loved to dye her hair different colors, she had some well hidden but superhot tattoos, and she liked to practice lets say alternative hobbies.

    but what i will always remember the most is the smell of her hair. as silly as that is. something about the dye in her locks was totally different than the au natural hippie chicks ive been getting down with here in LA. maybe she had just had it done, maybe they didnt wash it out right, whatever it was i will always remember it.

    which isnt to say that sweet aromas wont work, of course they will. perfumes, lotions, fragrances of all sorts will stay in your mans mind if you do it right.

    then theres our ears. music is the food of the gods so rock on. have something new on the jukebox. something smooth, but something that you can move to. in the seduction theres a rhythm, a beat. when you have a beat you can improvise on it, you can hold the note for two beats, you can move quicker along the page, you can pause a beat. people talk shit about eurodisco but miss amsterdam kept that shit on the beat, till she got flipped over.

    yes nurses do it for me but im more into the plaid skirt outfit or stewardess or upperclass bitch or cheerleader vibe. nurses make me nervous because where theres a nurse being sweet to me theres a doctor around the corner waiting to shove his finger up my ass. your boy doesnt seem to have these issues, but if he did you might want to introduce a second nurse to calm his nerves.

    back to the ears. what to say? say everything. but when you say it whisper it. dont try to say things sexy. just say it. say it a little pissed off if you want.

    “sick again, huh?”

    even with a friend with benefits, when youre in bed you need to practice communicating. so say whats in your mind. say whats in your heart. say whats in the dirty part of your heart. and dont forget to lie and tell him how big it is.

    once upon a time i dated a famous tennis star. she loved the nurse thing because she was always injured and the only way she could deal with the endless time in the hospital was to fantasize. and let me tell you, this girl loved to role play.

    one day i came home and she was waiting for me. she was sitting on my chair. my fucking chair. but as soon as i got in she hopped up and said “mr pierce you werent supposed to leave your room! im so glad you came back! please lets get you undressed so i can see if your fever has grown worse!”

    and she undressed me and she put me in a hospital gown (which are super easy to find) and laid me in my bed. because she was rich and had lots of time on her hands she had the greatest accessories. first she took my temperature. i thought it was gay but it turned her on. if i touched her she slapped my hand away and said mr pierce! the fun is to see how long you can not touch each other. dont ever forget that.

    so she reached into her bag and she said your temperature is very bad, we might have to operate. fantasies dont need to make sense. she said i will give you the anestesia. and she dipped into her bag and pulled out a can of whipped cream, put the top in my mouth and pressed gently on the tip so as to only let the nitrous escape.

    then she licked some of the cream off the top while looking at me.

    on the beat.

    then she put her hand on my head and said i was still burning up, that i needed some more anestesia. because she was slightly insane i was totally expecting a shot of demorol or something bizzarre but she rolled me a joint as we had just passed the medical marijuana bill here in cali. this actually did mellow me out and she was ready to prepare me for the operation.

    which began with a striptease and ended with her wearing only garters shoes and her little hat.

    at which point i jumped her, knocked over the stereo, and rewarded her for her creativity and generosity.

    shyness is nice, but shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you want to

    thought mechanics pieces + yesterday’s buzzblog + wil in exile + top photo via laist