but ive only had one true love. one soul mate. one grand slam combo sextra syrup.
ive been in love a million times. ive danced with every type of girl at every sort of hoedown.
ive kissed girls prettier than the sunrise over the grand canyon on the fourth of july, and some of them even kissed me back.
ive been with virgins and so-not virgins, ive been with different races and religions and shapes and sizes, rich girls poor girls, girls way taller than me and girls so tiny id have to figure out which lip theyd kiss cuz using both would drown em.
ive had nymphos and prudes, shy girls and bitches.
but only one girl has ever taken my heart and owned it and kept it owning it even when she didnt want it any more.
and that girl went off with fratdudes and whiteboys and malcontents and so-and-sos and i know she did it so id lose interest but i never lost interest. id caller and propose and shed say shut up and id say is he over and shed say hes coming over and id say tell him to look at those huge cans one last time cuz tonybaloney full of macaroni is gonna huff n puff and blow yr door down and shed say good cuz we’re gonna be at his house and my apartment needs some dusting.
and shed tell me she loved me and id say it back and shed say it again and id say it oh thirty more times. and i dont know if theres such a thing as soul mates but if there is shes mine, only problem is im not hers.
thanks to blogging its a problem im easilly distracted from because i get paid attention to by some of the cutest girls on the planet, some of whom say the absolute most perfect things. like i’ll say ok when i meet you will you wear a cheerleader sweater that says tony will you wear your hair in a ponytail and will you let me drive your car to the hotel with my hand on your thigh and they say yes and i say then after will you make me grits and eggs and bacon and apple juice topless and they say yes and i say ok then after that can we do it again and they say yes and i go good then after that can we watch baseball with my hand on your ass and they say sure.
and its nice but its not how you feel when youve known someone for what seems like forever and they know you and by knowing you i mean they know you and they still love you not despite or inspite of who you are but love you.
well my true love has always had a dream to join the peace corps fly to africa and save the world, and youd think volunteering would be a peace of cake but its snot. it was pretty much a year long process that included background checks up the ying yang, personality examinations, psychological examinations, you have to pay off every debt you have, you have to pass a series of physical tests, and then from what i understand there are the trick questions. but living with tony pierce for five years my girl was well prepared for the unexpected and if you ask me thats what sealed the deal.
it was such a long process that on saturday night when she called me i was at pretty girl’s house and we were talking about penises with two homosexual gentlemen in such a fascinating conversation that at first i was upset with the interruption of my silly ring tone, but when i saw it was her i excused myself and took the call.
i think this is it, baby, she told me.
she was in massachussets. home of the peace corps. the vision of the kennedy family who were celebrating the 45th anniversary of the institution. she told me how there had been a big dinner the night before and they had introduced everyone and there was great applause and speeches and stories and well wishes and even some tears.
she told me that it was midnight over there and she had to go to sleep because early in the morning the plane would be taking her to africa where she would be working for the next two and a half years.
an emotional girl but always in a sweet way i could hear her start to cry as she told me that she loved me and that nearly got me but as a man ive learned how to fight it. so i faught it and told her that she can run from me but ive always wanted to see the motherland and all shes gonna do when she goes there is see dark skinned tony pierces and shes gonna think about me constantly and i told her that at night if she thought of me when she touched herself that it was ok and she laughed and told me to shut up and i asked her if there would be giraffes there and she said yes and i said if one dies will you make me a nice little giraffe cap for my bald head and she said gross and i said do they have lions there and she said yes
and i said youve gotta stay away from the skinny lions because theyre hungry but the fat lions you can basically pluck their shorthairs and she said how would you know any of that and i said its in my dna i know everything about africa and i do for example i know its big.
my truest doesnt like to be called my truest on here but shes in africa now and cant read this so good. shes right next to the equator in a country called uganda which has an unpenetral forrest which on our last phone call the other day i told her i was gonna penetrate when i visit her and i said in that forrest im going to find a diamond ring and im gonna put it on her finger and get a witch doctor to wed us and we’ll dance around a fire and party so loud that king kong is gonna ask us nicely to shut the fuck up. and nicely she asked me to shut the fuck up.
and there was a little bit of quiet.
and then she said im gonna miss you tony.
and then we both sobbed a tiny bit,
less than i am now.