did you know that coachella is only a month away?

it is. because of that im going to be trying to do as many coachella preview deals that i can. and i am asking for your help.

if you know of any cool interviews of bands who are talking about coachella or are playing there who have good interviews or if youve been to coachella and want to share an experience on your blog and you want me to link to it, i will.

im stoked because this is the first year that buzznet is officially a partner in the show and we’ll be there for both days which means we will probably spend three nights in the desert which means i should have some killer pictures for your ass.

anyways get ready for a coachella gangbang of info and pictures and nonsense, bigger and badder than the sxsw coverage because i have a month to spazz out on it.

but first lets talk about the mystery of christina aguilera and jordan bratman. does a man really just have to be a producer to get a chick like xtina? i dont understand it. i wanna understand it but i dont understand it. i dont understand anything.

yesterday i put up the least attractive photo of myself that i could ever make and not only did some of the ladies go woooo but the bros were all, props man. is this the appeal of jordan bratman? the fuglier you look the more the ladies love you and the bros appreciate your courage?

if thats the case im gonna grow a beard and start shopping at the 99 cent store for my apparrel. oh yes they have clothes.

this week in rock is mighty rockin here in LA. tomorrow rancid are doing another one of their acoustic shows at the tiny Echo. this week the strokes are playing at the universal and you can get tickets for $1 on ebay. and this weekend bad religion are playing at the long beach grand prix. i love all those bands but i have no one to see the strokes with. if ashley were here shed go with me but alas shes in vegas.

speaking of old flames, my old gf chris wrote me a note. a card really. from africa. it was like a message from the past. it was sorta eerie. she told me to follow my dreams and follow my heart.

she must know that my heart says to direct porn and assasinate the current administration. figuratively of course as murder would prevent me from ascending into Heaven.

each sunday ive been reading a little bit of the bible and last night’s chapter was that of the Tower of Babel, which is fascinating because the people making the Tower weren’t doing anything wrong, infact what freaked God out was they were totally working as a team and in order to stymie their efforts he confused their language and “scattered” them. it made me think that thats why we still have Mac and Windows.

when i was talking on the phone with the minnesota blogger last night i kept thinking that i was being punk’d. i hope i wasnt but im pretty sure i was. she answered all the secret questions pretty well though. i guess its hard for me to believe that anyone really reads my blog, let alone reads it for years and years. starting when theyre teenaged. i guess in that sense im a lot like jordan bratman, the fugly spot in the universe who gets loved by the hottest chick on tv. it makes no sense but you accept it because it beats being loved by the hottest dudes in gay porn.

ber + xtina and bratman pics + bush was determined to strike in iraq before invasion

the hellacopters

el rey theatre
hollywood, ca

after sxsw i made a secret promise to myself to take advantage of living in hollywood and all the great bands that roll thru here.

i forgot that karisa can always read my mind and when her man was out of town she called me up to see if i wanted to check out the swedish hard rock group The Hellacopters at one of my favorite venues.

little did i know we were going to step back into the 70s, for if i had known, instead of sporting my matt good tshirt i would have thrown on my black sabbath tee or my zeppelin longsleeve, or the deep purple tye dye that i no longer own.

opening the show were The Illuminati who were stony and solid and classic rock man turn it up! the place was packed with tattoed chicks with fake tits and dudes with denim.

everyone stood there and waited for the Illuminati to do something amazing, but nothing amazing was coming from them. and the rest of us wondered why we didnt get baked first before seeing the trio who verse chorus verse solo chorused their way to Obscuriti.

karisa and i took to the bar immediately.

as you know she and i have been friends for a very long time and maybe one reason is because we know how to drink, we like to drink, we must drink when we’re together. not because we’re bored of each other but because its fun. so our first drink were beers and jager.

now normally i pay for everything, because i was raised right. but for some reason i was out of cash and the bar didnt take plastic and the atm was broke so karisa got very excited at the prospect of actually being able to buy a round of drinks. she was all, i have $33 this should be a peice of cake. but the joke was on us because two coronas and two shots were $36 so we sent one of the jagers back and shared it.

then we told the doorman that if he wanted us to buy more expensive booze he was gonna have to stamp our hands or something because the atm was broke and they only took cash blah blah. the dude checked out karisa and said i love u and stamped our hands.

we went to walgreens next door and i was all hey lets get a little bottle of something and drink it in the parkinglot real fast after we get our money but guess what: WALGREENS DOESNT SELL BOOZE! w thee f?

so we got our millions of dollars and headed back to the historic el rey a little buzzed, but very happy to be hanging out again. it’d been a long time since wed rock n rolled.

got to the front door bar and she wanted corona but they had run out so she turned it into a champagne request. me, i got another beer. we took our drinks to stage left just as the Hellacopters were being announced.

the crowd roared and they played fast hard and quick. two and three minute rock jams with two lead guitars, bass, drums. i loved it. karisa loved it. everyone loved it. i didnt know one song but they all sounded fine to me.

a fat guy got on stage and stagedived and we gasped for not only his life but the lives underneath him. others crowd surfed and stage dived and all was well. after a few songs we went back for more beers.

the singer played a left handed rhythm guitar and wore a bad fedora that looked like something cheesy some guy would wear to a van halen show in 1981 but with a long scarf hanging from it. bro singer didnt have the scarf. but he did have a guy on keyboards who kept hitting one note repeatedly for drama as the band rocked on. occassionally he’d drag his hand across the length of the keys.

i didnt care. i was getting a little buzz and my ears were ringing from the velvety sledgelove of rock.

there were even children in attendence. they stood on chairs.

the hellacopters earned an encore and they got one. they brought out a friend from the side and said, yes we have two guitars but on this song thats not enough, we need three guitars. and broke into the MC5 classic Kick Out the Jams.

the fat guy made an appearance on stage again, without his shirt, and dove off again. we gasped.

later karisa and i drove to lianas birthday celebration at The Well and we saw former N*Sync singer and failed astronaut Lance Bass who closed down the bar with us. he didnt look so bad. neither did lots of Look-Look girls who i hadnt seen in ages.

but that wasnt enough for karisa, we had a nitecap at my place and i was all lemme take some pictures of you and she said nah i look fat from eating fondue yesterday you never let me take pictures of you tony pierce and i gave her the camera and showed her what a fondue belly was all about. a hairy one at that.

some say that lianas new boyfriend looks a lot like me, i say he needs to eat some cheese if he aspires to truly steal my style.

i woke up this morning with a blistering hangover and all foods tasted so gross until i had some eggplant tofu at this little chinese place up the street. i made a fire and watched the sopranos. and later a coed from minnesota called me and didnt sound at all like she looks in her pictures on buzznet.

if i ever get depressed again tell me to shut the fuck up.

dbuc + kali + kntgrl + al b

im almost fully recovered from my sxsw cold

.. and four years ago today was the last time that i got sick.

lets reminice or however you spell it

god am i sick and im gonna go off for about twenty minutes so please pardon me, normally i write to you, today im writing to my cold.

fuck you, cold. how dare you.

bitch ass, how dare you get inside me when i was drinking and smoking at the tsar show on pico, doing shots with jeanine, drinking beers with my friends, listening to the newest teenage anthems of days gone by, the foundations of fuck you, cold i bet you came from a dirty shot glass of the eskimo kiss that girl gave me at the lesbo party when i wasnt looking or was it the plastic cup with the wine or the towel that i dried my hands with.

or did you come in through the dust.

milton had satan slide through the mist and slither into the mouth of the deceiver in eden and you kept me up all night trying to get down my throat but by now you know that only dr. pepper, fried chicken and young girls get to take that route. fuck you virus or allergy or luckilly for me i had a little fair warning and i bombarded you with echinacia or however the hell you spell it wont be the death of me i will be the death of you and houseflies only have days to die and you only have hours.

dont you know i have mountains to move with my mustard seed of faith?

feed a fever fuck you, cold. my back is recovered from the residue of pisces hold on to my tonsils while i will fuck you to pieces.

my couch has pillows and blankets and the space heater is going and you’re gonna be going because i am the most filthy pig i can be when i wanna and you dont want that. i will drink water and eat generic tortilla strips dry i will not heave you cuz i’ll die i will imagine you smaller and smaller and smaller still, you are the target and im liscened to thrill. how did i know to get the Tussin from the 99 cent store that tastes like motor oil cut with evian, i will torture you with tom cruise movies cuz if you like me so much you’ll hate him so much. nice try with the phlem, sissy, shorten your hem.

i have had jerry mcguire on tape for years and years and years and i love that this guy has all the best music in his movies but jay moher or however you spell it is only slightly less ridiculuous than everybody’s favorite scientologist and im rhyming because even colds hate poems, you never see people sneezing in the sole row of poetry because even germs have standards even at borders.

you will die in the night.

sleep tight, sleep tight.

i sweat when i write. and im sweating you out. youre surrounded you single-celled organism there is nothing healthy or worthwile except for my smile and you will not take that.

so take that.

four years ago karisas kitty was hurt + two years ago i went on birthday kicks + some video clips from sxsw

matt welch reads far more than i do

and rarely does anything like this. but when you read his answers you understand why he jumped in. for some reason he picked me to take this quiz even though he knows that i read far more blogs than pages on paper. but i’ll do my best.

You’re stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?

like matt i have no idea what this question is asking. but if i had to be a book i would be the bible. it’s crazed and full of variety. it’s easilly the most well-written book of all despite being written by lots of people over various periods of time. the stories are insane the people are believable and even when you think you know whats going to happen next someone does something totally bizarre like listen to the talking snake instead of God, and thats just page five.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

even though Roberta in Lynda Barry’s “Cruddy” is 14, shes pretty amazing. she’s good with a knife, likes to make out, does acid on her rooftop and puts up with her father calling her son. the whole time i was thinking, i wonder what she would be like when she grows up. maybe lynda will make a sequel.

The last book you bought is:

Charles Bukowski “You Get So Alone at Times That It Just Makes Sense” for Bunny McIntosh for her birthday a few weeks back which is ironic because i dont think bunny has ever been alone in her life. this is a great collection of poems and short stories. it was one of the first bukowski books i ever really got into because the poems are short and easy to dive into and the stories are sexy and sad.

The last book you read:

“The Most Fucked Up Person Alive Tells All” by HC

this is a book that i first saw on the web long before blogs. whoever HC was put the whole thing on web pages for free and dared you to print it out and read it or just read it on your screen. it was such an outrageous story that i never forgot it and when i was bored one day i put the title into an ebay search engine and there it was.

this is the prologue:

I was born to hijack space shuttles and blackmail cities and start world neurolic wars. And be kicked out of rooms and institutions and off planets and out of solar systems.

I was born to be the kind of person that intercepts a satellite feed and superimpsses flashing titles like “Disingenuous Slimeball” “Mass Murderer” or “Dickhead” over its images of celebrities and world leaders.

And I was even born to be elected President of the Cosmos — on a platform of “Fuck the Economy! Fuck the People! Fuck the Police!”

Or else I wasn’t born this way at all, and something must have happened in life itself, to make it this way.

thats how you start a fucking book.

What are you currently reading?

“The Insider’s Guide To Getting an Agent” by Lori Perkins because i’d secretly like to be a published author someday and everyone who has done it says it starts with getting a good agent.

Five books you would take to a deserted island.

  • “White Oleander” by Janet Finch because she writes so colorfully and richly that it makes you forgive the stars for making it an oprah book club novel.
  • “Hammer of the Gods” by Steven Davis. there will never be another band like led zeppelin and i dont know how this guy got the access that he got to be able to tell the stories that are told in there but it’s an amazing and just biography of a miracle of a rock group.
  • “Ham on Rye” Charles Bukowski. everything bukowski wrote was mostly-autobiographical but very little was about his horrific childhood of boils and beatings and sex and sin. this novel describes much of his earliest years in the matter-of-fact style that has become legendary. and although tragic and sometimes unbelievable, it is also suprisingly funny at the strangest moments.
  • “Vurt” by Jeff Noon. ive read this book three times and bought it for every person who i know who has done acid more than twice and liked it. it’s a sci fi techno surreal pychedelic love story set in the future in london. nothing that i ever thought i would be interested in and not at all what you expect from a first novel because noon has complete control of his story throughout the entirety of tale.
  • “Anna Karenina” by Leo Tolstoy. nobody writes characters better or their dialogue. no man has written better women and as many. in heaven there are volumes of new tolstoys where he rewrites the entire tom robbins catalogue. anna karenina is tolstoy showing off via a soap opera history lesson character study. the sole reason to go to college is so that one day you’re assigned to read this and you do and then get to talk about it with people who cant believe how much better tolstoy was than anyone who dared call themselves his peer.

    Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?

    sk smith because shes been educated in the best schools in america and despite that has great taste. [update: sk has obliged us!]

    mc brown because he’s always ahead of the game

    and amy langfield because shes always right.

  • if i wasnt religious

    id do so much different. i woulda gone to a strip club tonight. i woulda kissed that roller girl last week. i woulda gotten tattooed in austin. i woulda probably be diseased ridden and probably even dead by now. with a smile on my face.

    crazy thing is i had such a great day today even though it started with me thinking i was gonna have another day off and do my laundry and upload pics from home, but i found out i was expected at work so i went to work and uploaded pictures there. some weird things happened along the way to right now which is 150am but nothing got me down.

    in fact i talked on the phone and ate chinese and danced around my apartment which is something i dont do enough.

    a long time ago danielle and i worked together at e entertainment television and every day we would go to lunch together and every morning she would march down to my desk and model her latest outfit and i would pretend like i wasnt aroused and sometimes i really was busy so she would pick up one of my many magazines and flip through them saying omg with each turn of the page.

    even though we were both in our own personal personnel hells we had each other and that kept us sane and kept me believing in the Lord because without her i woulda done something real dumb there probably, who knows what. but people do dumb things all the time.

    something dumb i did the other day was watch episode two of the sopranos without knowing that i had missed episode one. so basart im sorry but i talked about the sopranos thinking that it had been around for a week but it had only been around only a few days.

    i learned of my error because of my phone call with danielle and i looked at my tivo and they werent planning on rerunning that first episode anytime soon but thanks to peer to peer sharing i downloaded that shit and watched it on my computer, on this computer that i now type to you, and all i have to say is fuck.

    im an old man but young enough to aspire to do something as good as write or direct or create something as perfect as that episode. theres a reason they waited so long to get back into the groove. theres a reason some people dont rush things and take their time and get the shit right, and its because those people are pros. i aspire to be a pro at something one day.

    i told two girls today that i wanted to get it on with them. one of them i was sorta kidding cuz shes the wrong sign but the other i wasnt kidding at all, and i think she felt a little sad for rejecting me, but baby you shouldnt feel sad. just like the little tadpole looking sperm keeps swimming around that egg bashing his head against the wall, the man keeps working that angle trying to get up that skirt.

    and whats funny is sometimes the man isnt trying at all to get up a skirt but the skirt keeps thinking hes working an angle. and what i have to say to those women are, trust me, you’ll know when im working it.

    over the last few days being home here in LA i havent had my car. i was loaning it to jeanine, my first college girlfriend. so tonight after work i drove around hollywood blvd and sunset to make sure everything was still in place. fortunately it was. if i havent mentioned before basart sold me his old car and after investing a few dollars on it it now runs like a top and its clean as fuck.

    and im a lucky man.

    and i feel good.

    and im gonna have to stop listening to the devil now that we’re in the month of aries because the angels who also whisper sweet nothings are feeling unloved.

    and hot chick who wouldnt let me do what i begged for the other day: that offer has an expiration date, so either oblige or apologize. because you might be too young to realize you fucked up the other day but you fucked up the other day and sometimes you dont get a second chance to dance.

    simpleton + xTx + floorpie + sour duck + shane

    snakes on a plane

    i know im old when something shows up on Buzznet and gets tons of hits and i dont even know wtf its all about. fortunately we hired a couple of young people to bridge the generation gap for us during times like these.

    if you recall, two of the kids told me what bands to see at sxsw, of which i posted on this very blog and promptly ignored en masse. my mistake. im dumb.

    but now i come back and i look at the stats of Buzznet and someone started posting all these Snakes On A Plane stuff and i was all, kids, what the hell is Snakes on a Plane and they said why do you ask, and i showed them this on Buzznet and they were all whoa! and they clicked through it and laughed and i laughed and they laughed and everyone laughed.

    essentially, Samuel L. Jackson was given a script for a movie that started shooting last year. this movie was simply called, “Snakes On A Plane.”

    According to various interviews (not hearsay), Jackson repeatedly emphasizesd that he agreed to do the movie after only reading the title on the cover of the script.

    however, after signing on, the studio felt the title was too obvious and changed it to “Pacific Air Flight 121.” Jackson then urged the producers to change it back, that “Snakes On A Plane” was a much better title. not sure if they took his advice, but apparently the kids on the internets have embraced the title as well and have taken to photoshopping not only their own versions of the poster but versions of sequels and spin offs.

    thats where the hilarity ensued on the web and recently on Buzznet. heres how it happened:

    a few tidbits of information about the movie was found on the profile for the film on IMBD. It was discovered by some mysterious person, using the original ad template for the movie mixed with Photoshop/MSPaint to create alternate titles/sequels to the movie.

    That creation spurned boards like the AFI fansite board.despairfaction.com to continue this photoshop-love of the film and the kids literally made 100 new parodies/wordplays of the “Snakes On A Plane” title, using the same template.

    most of those found their way onto Buzznet while we were all at sxsw.

    Even though the movie is still in post-production there are shirts already. There are entire comics devoted to the subject of not the real film but the photoshopped faux films.

    Part of the underground appeal is that Jackson acknowledges the internet fandom/obsession and the grassroots humor of the entire situation.

    me, i just like the title.

    snakes on a plane – the real trailer + 108 snakes on a plane parody pictures + far more info about the whole shebang than is probably necessary

    today is lianas 26th birthday

    which means shes officially too old for me. born to mexican refugees just outside of ensenada, liana burrowed her way to america through an abandoned drug tunnel to san diego and sold chicklets to tourists outside sea world until she was six.

    once she learned english she was adopted by american diplomats who traveled the world and showed her the ins and outs of politics, classical music, fine wines, and modern art. if you ever want to impress her talk about how the guggenheim isnt what it used to be and how californian wines are overrated.

    a graduate of brown and harvard law, liana decided to enter the world of marketing purely to spite her adoptive parents who always said that marketing was for snake oil salesmen and charletons. “if brooke sheilds was giving free blowjobs in the basement of the alamo,” her father used to say, “there would be no need for any market studies or advertising, or viral schemes – the word would get out and there would be a line a mile long.” yes he was an old man who remembered when ms sheilds was hot.

    i met liana on my one and only time on j date. neither of us were jewish but we wanted to see what all the hoopla was about and we found each other. she lied about being a gemini and i lied about being ad rock’s cousin. it was lust at first sight but nothing happened as she immediately threw me into the dreaded “friend zone”.

    things have a funny way of working out however, for because we werent together she got me a job at her market research company when she found out that i was enjoying an unexpected summer vacation after being let go by e entertainment television. this was a job that i would only have for three months before buzznet picked me up, but it was three of the most wonderful months of my life as the office was filled with incredibly smart young women doing all sorts of interesting assignments, of which liana was the center of.

    a purveyor of chocolate, gangsta rap, and mimosas at sunday brunches, liana will be spending her birthday tonight with her family and friends at the chic beverly hills hotel bar whose name escapes me because i still have yet to receive an invite.

    maybe its because after all these years i still insist that her eyes are tan which she claims to be an impossibility.

    happy 26th birthday la cachita, i will forver be indebted to you for taking me to the kill bill 2 premiere at manns chinese a day before it came out.