nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, March 22, 2006

    one of the major differences between blogging 

    and keeping a private diary is that if you happen to say that youre sad in your blog, people will react. its not that you dont want them to react, although often you dont, its that you just want to explain whats up for you and move on. whereas in a diary you spill your guts and noone will ever think that you have ulterior motives or youre about to take a long walk off a short bridge.

    but people are sweet and caring and they do nice things when all along all you wanted to say was how you feel.

    when i was younger i went through a variety of emotions that made it very easy to write. it was then that i came up with the tagline “nothing in here is true” to let my family and friends know that if i wrote a poem where i said i wanted to die, i was just being overly dramatic and sorta poetic.

    so today when i wrote that i was sad i really was sad and i forgot that people actually read this thing, which is something i forget a lot. and karisa called me and the laist wrote their thing and people sent me nudes and flowers arrived. it was like ferris bueller when the school found out he was sick.

    but the most interesting thing happened when an old flame of mine called me to tell me about the new boy shes getting serious with. i miss this girl because she has moved to nyc but we keep in touch and she asked about texas and etc and soon she started getting into graphic details about her sex life with this dude.

    tony the man can do me all night. i swear to you, all night.

    i was all, anna, im depressed, i dont want to hear that.

    no tony, i thought you were the only one who can do me all night, but seriously he can do it alllll night. its like hes a machine. he never stops.

    i was like, good for him and good for you but this doesnt cheer me up in the slightest.

    she was like, hold on, that isnt the interesting part, i really love him and all but the fascinating thing is with you i would get wet just thinking about coming to your house, but with him its not that im not wet, i am, its that im not super wet like i used to be with you. why do you think that is?

    and strangely that made me happy.

    i told her that its because black men are the greatest lovers. i also told her that the next time shes in LA we’ll have to do a little experiment to see if i still have that effect over you. and she laughed and said yeah right im never going to leave this dudes side. ever.

    which also made me happy because i love her and im happy when people i love are happy.

    then i ate some chili, took a shower for the first time in two days, and suddenly i was 100% happier.

    also, basart, the sopranos was on like 5 days ago. at some point i have to write about it. millions of people have already seen it. i only wait two days to write about Lost, so im only going to wait 2-3 for the sopranos.

    everyone needs to watch these shows when they air or the next day, thats the new rule. then we can all discuss them on this blog. i heart you all but we have to get with the program.

    great, now i just burned my rice.

    bitch | lab + vortexia + chad + grace + krista

  2. things that made me smile today 

    1. laist’s public service announcement – thank you carolyn

    2. de tejas’s fisking of my how to blog rules – thank you bill

    3. raspberry sundae’s nude self portraits via email – thank you rs

    4. the very short film Other Music – thank you raymi

    5. leah telling me that her future mother-in-law was appalled by the busblog – merci baby

    6. irina slutsky’s interviews with biz stone, daily kos, lynne d johnson and others including me at the end regarding how 2006 is 1997 again – thanks geek entertainment tv

    and of course all of you who always say sweet things in my comments, gracias

  3. hi america 

    chris in front of the wacky packages

    .. and canada. didnt mean to leave you hanging today. you know i like to write something first thing but i had to watch the sopranos before someone told me what happened and then i had to shit then i had to eat and then i had to shit again. see why i say dont apologize for not writing – you get tales that you dont want to hear.

    anyways somethings wrong with me. i dont know what. i feel like im depressed but i havent been depressed in decades. centuries maybe. is it the pills im taking for the cold i caught? is it that im back at home and theres no hot babe waiting for me? no wild shit for me to do here? just back to the grind? is my grind really a grind?

    in the last four weeks ive spent most of it on the road getting drunk getting lo toplesspartying and making out with beautiful women. ive been able to write and work and walk and talk

    and last night and today i looked in the mirror and the devil whispered youre the ugliest man in the world, you have replaced bukowski and noone could figure out how he got his fingers stinky and noone can figure out how you do it either but your luck is gonna run out and its gonna run out soon. and depression is what happens when you look at that mirror and see things through satans cheap sunglasses.

    i had a hard time falling asleep last night partially because i didnt need to wake up this morning and partially because i was thinking about what he was saying. then i watched the sopranos and that tony was asking himself the same questions that this tony was asking. who am i, where am i, what am i doing. the trilogy of fucked up questions that rarely lead to enlightenment as generally ive discovered that im at my most happy when im asking someone else those questions, and their answers are here with you, close to you, getting as naked as i can get.

    life doesnt have to be very hard. and as tony soprano was on his oxygen and his wife was trying to figure out what music to play i was relieved when she slid in tom petty and smoke on the water. and if sonny ever shoots me in the gut and you want to calm me in my icu room please put on tsar the replacements ac/dc and as much old stones as you can find. i know its cliche but the stones are rock n roll. hell you could just put on midnight rambler on repeat if you get tired. its pretty much a song thats on repeat anyway. and if you want me to really be happy put on the blues brothers soundtrack.

    last night the phone rang and usually when it would ring it would be my true love, but since shes in deepest darkest africa for two and a half years i knew it wasnt her, but i still had hope. thats the sort of thing that can lead to depression too. ridiculous hope. and calling girls your true love who get it on with fat white republicans instead of you.

    the more i live in this hollywood apartment a mile away from where bukowski wrote pretty much all of his best works, i really understand how he was able to do it and not blow his brains out. he worked his 9-5, came home and then wrote. his job had no real dramatic ups or downs and he was able to drink and write each night until he passed out.

    its the very high peaks that fuck us up when we get back to the petty pace of the day to day and make them seem like lows. what i have right now isnt a low, its a normal, and its a damn huge high compared to the dusty shit that my truest is up to her neck in right now in uganda.

    i have no problems compared to that world. im hungry but all i have to do is walk out of this house and in fifteen minutes i could be eating japanese, chinese, armenian, soul food, fast food, mexican, cuban, russian, or korean. im depressed because i choose to be. im lonely because im lazy. im fat because im a sloth. im horny because i deserve to be. i suck because im alive.

  4. Tuesday, March 21, 2006
  5. lets pretend we’re still in austin, k? 


    and while we’re at it lets pretend that i wasnt laying on my couch catching up on my tivo when i fell asleep on my back and nearly choked on the phlegm thats being mass produced in my sneezing coughing running nose so you cant sleep sickly body.

    ive seen it all so i dont mind if i die but if i really croak from choking on my own snot and you find my rotting corpse do me a favor and shove a heroine needle in my arm so i dont have to go out like a dope.

    it is nice to be home again. except for the rain and the cold and the $53 taxi ride from LAX. and the bad thai from down the street and the rotten bananas above the microwave, and the curious behavior of the young lady who was doing me a favor of taking my mail out of the mailbox for me but for some reason wasnt putting it in my house, of which she has a key.

    baby ive got three xxx pornos waiting for me, dont you think after ten days of being in closed confines and never in an empty room, a man doesnt want to cozy up with his smut after a long hard excursion that wound up mostly fruitless?

    you know youre old when you can go ten days without beating off and just because the exact smut that youve been waiting for hasnt arrived youre perfectly ok with making it eleven days.

    i met a very nice pilot on the flight from austin to vegas.

    hed been flying thirty years or so and i got to ask him all these great questions about that jet blue plane whose front wheels were all fuct and the pilot burned off all the fuel and made that spectacular landing. he told me that it was spectacular, but he also said, after prodding, that pretty much every pilot would have been able to pull that off.

    he said midway airport is the toughest place to land, but there are so few accidents there because everyone has to superconcentrate when they land there in bad conditions, that sometimes, just like in any activity, accidents come when people think that what theyre doing is a peice of cake and are only at 99% instead of 100%.

    we talked about blogging and i may have convinced him to start a blog about being a pilot and telling us all where the good joints are to eat at all around the country since he’s probably been everywhere.

    then he asked for my blog address and i gave it to him but i warned him that it gets a little adult on this site sometimes, so if youre reading this you cant say i didnt warn you.

    my flight was delayed in vegas because the country was pretty much shitstormed which fucked up all the flights. so i had to eat bad sabbaros pizza and listen to a slot machine ringringringring because they didnt know how to turn it off after a jackpot.

    they say that those noises intice people to play because it lets them know that winning is possible and if you go to a casino and hear all these sounds that signal success you will feel more confident. i didnt feel confident. all i was confident about was that somebody was taking their sweet old time fixing that one slot because today was one of those days when people were stuck in the vegas airport and theres very little to do except feed the slots, feed your mouth, or stare at all the fake titties leaving vegas and heading back to LA.

    swear to god there must have been a fake titty convention over there this weekend because those shits were everywhere. im not even curious anymore. i used to be, but im not. im not curious about anything anymore. i told you, ive seen it all.

    the only thing i havent seen is the cubs win the world series and you and i both know thats never going to happen.

    it was raining so bad here in LA that my directv wasnt working so i couldnt see japan finish beating the shit outta cuba in that baseball thing that everyones going crazy about. play that fucker in october after the seasons over instead of when everyones out of shape and tell me you wouldnt bet on the domincans. with pujols and papi and tejada and and and… ive seen trickery on a grand scale before so that the rest of the world can feel good about beating america. this is nothing new. but by all means lets pretend that this thing meant something.

    lets pretend we’re married.

    lets pretend we’re still drunk high and full of bbq doing shots with texas rollergirls who have their name tattooed on their one wrist and daddy tattooed on their other. lets pretend we’re still bopping from club to club hearing one kickass band after another play their hearts out in 22 minute sets.

    lets pretend we’re still getting paid to stay up all night and schmooze with all the movers and shakers of the interweb and music industries in a town where people know your name even if you werent clever enough to tattoo it incase you forgot.

    some people have an ear for the rhythms of poetry or the subtlety of classical or the improvisation of jazz. some people perk up at the twangs of country or the cutthroat rhymes of hip hop. some like the gnarled solos of great rock guitarists or the no frills stance of punk.

    and some like it all and want it all and very few get it all, which is why if i had slipped away tonight from my disgusting spit i would have floated away complete. because we all know that the only place that the cubbies will win the world series is in a little place called heaven, which looks like isla vista but smells like austin.

    tsar plays tonight at the whiskey and if you miss it youre dumb

  6. Monday, March 20, 2006

    im beat im broken im in an airport 

    that just charged me seven bones to write you, so i better make this good.

    things i learned at sxsw

    + rock n roll is here to stay

    + if you want to have a great party invite a half dozen texas rollergirls and feed them free booze for a week

    + drunk blogging should only be attempted by professionals on a closed track

    + austin really is the music capital of the world

    + isla vista’s del playa is alive and well on 6th street and red river.

    + my chemical romance live doesnt suck, but j mascis’s witch bites.

    + gogogogogoqewiru bordello is the new clash pogues combo we desperately have been in need of

    + honky is the young man’s zz top that we’ve also needed and little did we know but they have been around for 10 years and have 6 cds.

    + marc canter rolls incredible joints and will say very nice things about you to strangers even if you dont talk about him much on your blog

    + lyle lovitt is about my height

    + all taxis in austin cost about $5

    + if youre going to go to sxsw interactive and sxsw music and you are planning on drinking smoking dancing rocking and interacting for ten days, take a day off right before the music starts. and by day off i mean stay sober and preferably in your room.

    + dont kiss girls with the sniffles.

    + cops really will give you a ticket if you go down the wrong way on a one way street and immediate turn around to fix it.

    + southwest really will charge you $25 for having a bag three pounds overweight

    + ironworks bbq is pretty good

    + red bull doesnt really give you wings but people seem to love it anyways

    + leah is petite cute and has the best texas accent

    + dan and sara are great ambassadors for austin and anyone who comes to town really should have at least one drink with them at the driskoll, but count on having more than one drink.

    + toddy b is the mayor of 6th street

    + im not an awful photographer but it wouldnt hurt to invest in some way better lenses

    + girls like to dance all night

    + austin is quite proud of their football and basketball teams even though their colors look exactly like doggie poop.

    + dooce is hot

    + craigslist got its name from buzznet’s anthony batt who told craig (who was thinking of changing the name) that he was crazy to call it anything other than craigslist

    + if youre being paid to write while on the road you really should knock something out before you start your day and at the end of the day because you really will forget shit quickly

    + sxsw is the epitome of sensory overload

    + but the biggest lesson i learned at sxsw is im mortal and i love drinking and listening to music far more than i ever thought.

    i will return and i will do it better next time

  7. sxsw. austin texas the end. 

    rock kicked my ass and i kicked back.

    ten straight days and nights of partying and drinking and rocking out to some of the finest music in the world does take its toll which is probably why the skies opened up tonight here in austin with thunder and lightening and sheets of rain so as to wash the sins from the streets.

    never made it to the roller derby because my wife miss amerikill let her cousin be her plus one even though she promised it to me last night. ah women.

    so instead i took in three local punk bands at room 710: castle siege, the fuckemos, and finally punk. apparently the fuckemos got so big at one time that they started playing at emos. the reunited this year and played some shows at sxsw.

    the fuckemos singer is actually in several bands including the uss friendship and castle siege who opened the night’s lineup with a cross section of metal punk and marriachi. led by a guy who really cant sing very well. and hes quite fat. and when hes fronting the fuckemos he pulls out a trombone on one of the numbers.

    finally punk is an all girl teenage punk band whos singer leapt offstage to slamdance with the boy she was singing about while singing. the kids are alright.

    because that wasnt enough i went back to emos as the rain started coming down to enjoy the neil diamond tribute band the diamond smugglers.

    a very nice cleansing of the pallet. especially while walking home in a weak drizzle as the band played daydream believer to a crowd who sang along to every word.

    its 230am my rooms a mess, i havent packed and i have to be out of my room by 9am i figure. so im setting my alarm for 8. i can do this.

    austin is a beautiful town where the birds scream in the trees and the bands scream wherever theres a stage.

    i blame most of my debauchery to two entities, the red bull house and the texas roller derby girls. for if either of them werent around i would never have stayed up so late and drank and drank and drank.

    i blame the rest of my fun to all the people who came up wanting to smoke weed with me, and whats so interesting is just as many offered the miracle herb during the interactive days as during the music days.

    and yes i did see Lifetime before the my chemical romance show. not bad but i dont get the hype.

    i will be back next year and i will plan out my day much better now that i know whats going on. and unlike the masses who fled town tonight, next year i will stay on the sunday night of sxsw just like tonight because the local bands are well worth the attention.

    one picture i forgot to take: austin has a saying “keep austin weird”, well in a stall in the mensroom of room 710 i saw a sticker that said “keep san antonio lame” and whaddya know, it… they… whoever has a myspace page.

  8. Sunday, March 19, 2006

    this is my last night in austin 

    with moka at sxswand im going to end it with a roller derby bout topped off with a punk rock show.

    i will miss austin very much. this town has definitely made an impression on me, as have the roller girls, as has new live music, as has my body and soul.

    its nice to know that i can outdrink outdrug outrock outkiss the kids half my age. its nice to know that i can keep up with the emos. its nice to know that i still might not have the looks or skillz of days gone past but i can keep on keep on working day and night.

    its also nice to know that there are other warm towns in america other than islavista.

    ive decided that im going to do a few things different when i go back to hollywood. im gonna see more shows. im gonna kiss more girls and im gonna apply to more grad schools. because deep down i would love to teach.

    me and leah had a lovely brunch today. it was actually closer to a lunner but it was good. she had french toast i had tortilla soup and a chicken sandwhich. the main reason that we went there is because they have the strongest and smartest hand drier in the world. you put your hands under there and seriously 20 seconds later your shit is dry and as soon as you move your hands away it shuts off. almost like it has a direct path from the depths of hell right to your watery palms.

    leah is good people and sometimes i shy away from meeting people who ive read on the web but she is one of those few exceptional people who come across way way way better in real life and she hasnt judged me for finding out the true busblogger who lies far more in this blog than she ever expected and is way dirtier than she ever knew. and she still likes me! how cool is that.

    she got harassed by the cops as she was picking me up and they gave her a ticket for a bad uturn and i begged them to let her off the hook but i looked like an LA hoodlum so they made an example of her and popped her with a bad ticket.

    meanwhile back in africa, christine j spurnikova wrote me to tell me how amazing it is over there and it made me miss her big time. shes doing good there though and getting used to lack of showers, she says.

    ok so for the last time from the red bull house, this is your pal tone wishing you well from the lone star state.

  9. Saturday, March 18, 2006

    sometimes ypour in the game 

    sometimes you are the game.

    ive been coughting and fighting this whatever it is. but i cant say that ium not sick and i cant say i am,. im not as drunk as i should be but its not for a lcak of trying.

    sara dan and i spent eight hruours drinking and smoking and rocking and walking and talking and doing all the good things.

    it started at 33:0p and its 330a now and im luvimng you texass i know youre trying to beat me down but onw gooed thing about being old is y0u get tuffer. you knw your strneths and weaknessesss but you never know which the right girls are to kiss and the ones you should just hug.

    i need a beer a watrr and some bed. nite/

    hi babies im back. im black. and im better than ever. its 131p and whatever bug was in me is out. i drank it out of me, i blew it out of me, i poisoned it with rums and rums and baileys and waters. i sweated it out in the pits of tons of bands. i ate it out with tex mex thanks to asher, i walked it off thanks to dan and sara and chris and the pants.

    last night at 930p all the medicines were fighting the bug and it made me just want to curl up and sleep the sleep of the just. but im not part of the just. im someone who is trying to be just.

    im still looking for something. im still trying to prove myself, im still trying to find that little bit of little leaguer thats angelic and that huge peice of islavista thats wreckless and wild and wanting to walk down the street with a beer and a cheerleader and two smelly fingers.

    so at 945p i was walking down 6th street along with so many other people and we found the cobrasnake snakebitten on the street and i took a picture we found tim from popsicko walking down the street so i took a picture i found 3428543894 chicks dressed slutty with their fake bakes so i said hi my name is dumbass and they were all hi tonyypierse and my little party and i chilled out in style at the Driskill hotel which if i ever become a famous writer living in a hotel all creepylike that will be my residence and i will let the ghosts watch me beat off and write and fuck and drink and i will let them in my dreams and i will struggle to be just.

    but right now i will eat a snickers for breakfast and tell you abotu the bellrays.

    theres a deepness to the souls of black folks thats different from the rest. and theres something even deeper to the souls of black women. particularily black women who are no longer girls but women.

    Lisa Kekaula is tina turner returned from the dead. she wears high heels and a tight skirt and picked out her afro as big as she can upstairs at room 710 which is the backstage dressing room slash office at the club that asher owns.

    shes a dark skinned nubian princess destined to be queen and the longer it takes her to get their the more emotional and wild and soulful her singing and performances get.

    i was lucky enough to catch a show of theirs two years ago at spaceland and i was blown away by the mixture of punk thrash with her soulful vocals. and i was twice as shocked that somehow theyve upped the ante with something that can only be described as heart.

    ms kekaula shook her ass, shook her cha-chas got on her knees, jumped on the stage and sang with the people and even bent over backwards to let us in on what soul music is all about while her band kept a steady beat and a tight rock melody. she told us cheer only if we wanted to only if we felt it only if it was true. and then she reminded us that clapping along helped us feel the spirit it helped us get into the groovy it helped us be one with the power of love.

    and then she belted out a song that made us keep clapping because we wanted some of whatever that was. and if you ask me, that was the begining of the end to the evil that was inside me. yes i had been excorcised by rock n roll.

    after the inpsiring and devistating performance i asked her to pose for a picture with asher and sara and dan and i was so nervous because she is really the real deal and all 50 people who were at the show knew it and the picture turned out blurry because i couldnt think straight and before she left i hugged her. she was sweaty i was sweaty but i did feel the magic and i wanted to hug the source. i had to. and i did.

    i thought i was complete after the one-two punch of gogogogo bordello and honky but im often wrong and sometimes its great to be wrong about things.

    way more pics of the show here