which means shes officially too old for me. born to mexican refugees just outside of ensenada, liana burrowed her way to america through an abandoned drug tunnel to san diego and sold chicklets to tourists outside sea world until she was six.
once she learned english she was adopted by american diplomats who traveled the world and showed her the ins and outs of politics, classical music, fine wines, and modern art. if you ever want to impress her talk about how the guggenheim isnt what it used to be and how californian wines are overrated.
a graduate of brown and harvard law, liana decided to enter the world of marketing purely to spite her adoptive parents who always said that marketing was for snake oil salesmen and charletons. “if brooke sheilds was giving free blowjobs in the basement of the alamo,” her father used to say, “there would be no need for any market studies or advertising, or viral schemes – the word would get out and there would be a line a mile long.” yes he was an old man who remembered when ms sheilds was hot.
i met liana on my one and only time on j date. neither of us were jewish but we wanted to see what all the hoopla was about and we found each other. she lied about being a gemini and i lied about being ad rock’s cousin. it was lust at first sight but nothing happened as she immediately threw me into the dreaded “friend zone”.
things have a funny way of working out however, for because we werent together she got me a job at her market research company when she found out that i was enjoying an unexpected summer vacation after being let go by e entertainment television. this was a job that i would only have for three months before buzznet picked me up, but it was three of the most wonderful months of my life as the office was filled with incredibly smart young women doing all sorts of interesting assignments, of which liana was the center of.
a purveyor of chocolate, gangsta rap, and mimosas at sunday brunches, liana will be spending her birthday tonight with her family and friends at the chic beverly hills hotel bar whose name escapes me because i still have yet to receive an invite.
maybe its because after all these years i still insist that her eyes are tan which she claims to be an impossibility.
happy 26th birthday la cachita, i will forver be indebted to you for taking me to the kill bill 2 premiere at manns chinese a day before it came out.