i suggested that if the lovelies took one for the team as it were that it would help make the world a better place.
sadly many young ladies are of the belief that there are no one-night-stands out there. no quickies for the nerds. no wham bam thank you ma’ams for the eight-sided die crowd. the complaint is that once a hottie puts out a bit the boys become stalkers, ever clutchy, like leeches that you cant rid yourself of.
and i dont want to sit here in the sunshine of hollywood and pretend that im better than anyone. and i certainly dont want to make you think that i havent fallen for a girl or two in a way that i appeared stalkerish. yes even yours truly has sometimes had a hard time accepting a flat out no.
ask my true love who said no to my advances pretty much every day for the last several years.
she said no to offers of marriage, being my girlfriend, being my f buddy, being my roommate, being my sexual surrogate, being my love slave, joining me in threesomes, being my live art nude model, being my french maid, or allowing me to use her as a practice ho. and many times all of those offers came in one phone call.
whats sad is each time i presented the invitation i seriously thought i had a slim chance of acceptance.
so yes boys are delusional. and yes girls have no problem saying no. endlessly. sure its uncomfortable for both sides but just like a call in the wild the bluebird needs to sing “hey any horny birds out there?” and the robin needs to sing “shut it bluebird.”
therefore heres my advice for the boys and the girls.
boys – even in small towns there are lots of chicks. lots. if there arent and youre over 18, get the fuck out. do your penis a favor. if your penis could pack your bags and move you out it would, so do it. you have the feet, you have the hands.
secondly, when youre 18, boys, you Have to go to college. even if its junior college. i went to junior college and guess what, that was the place where i met the girl who would eventually accept my virginity. college is the single best place for people to get laid. avoid college and you avoid the love you so desire.
finally, boys, if you want to get girls its very simple. you must start asking girls out. every week you need to ask three girls out. heres what i recommend: one of the girls needs to be the hottest chick ever. one of them needs to be someone who youre pretty sure will say yes but is still someone who makes you nervous. and one has to be a sure thing. but keep this in mind, even sure things arent sure things so get ready.
the reason you need to ask all three each week is not to increase your odds of lovin but so you can notice how you act differently to women based on your fucked up beliefs about looks/status/intelligence/etc. the truth is all three women are exactly the same: female. everything else is shit you made up about them, and usually its shit you made up that gets in the way of you getting laid.
when you ask, be funny. smile when you do it. dont ask as much as invite. dont ask as much as inform. baby you and me are gonna see a great movie on friday. do you wanna go to the arclight or to the drive in, and dont worry i’ll still put out if you dont pay.
ok ladies. we do appreciate it when you get drunk and hump us. we really do. and we realize that sometimes when you say no you mean maybe. thats what confuses us. so heres what you need to remember and do when youre blowing us off. remember that boys are like dogs. you cant tell a dog once not to piss on the floor. you have to tell the dog repeatedly. sometimes you need to wack the puppy in the head with a rolled up newspaper or shove its nose in the piss. remember that. remember we are very big dogs who wear hats. shove the piss in our nose.
do this by writing us letters. letters dont change. write things like this.
tony, i was drunk, it was fun but its over. you need to move on. there will be girls who will love you and want you. im not one of those girls. im one of the girls who did you and enjoyed it but it will never happen again. before you call me again read this postcard 100 times. and if you call me dont call me a bitch dont call me to say youve changed dont call me to be friends dont call me to try something fancy to get me call me to say thank you i get it i got it im out. but instead of calling me, call someone who hasnt made out with you yet. that will make me feel way better. but thanks for taking me to the dodger game last night.
ok its time to make the donuts.