1. Monday, April 17, 2006

    i was pretty depressed this weekend 

    thinking about the oklahoma cannibal who worked at carls jr. so maybe its best to call him the carls jr cannibal.

    because it was a holiday weekend, or maybe because Blogger doesnt really shut down blogs unless it had kiddie porn or pure lies, lots of people read kevin underwood’s blog and then… blogged about it.

    several people mentioned that he (not pictured) had fallen for a recent divorcee and was going to move to california to be with her. when that fell through he pretty much gave up on chasing girls.

    he didnt kiss a girl until he was 22, and he may still be a virgin. at one point he even mentioned that sure he could use a girlfriend because he would like sex, but he also wanted one for human contact – something he seemed to have scarce amount of.

    Even masturbation sounds boring. Of course, that lost its fun years ago. Now it’s basically just a habit.

    To once again put it bluntly, I really need some pussy. Actually, it’s more than that. I don’t just need sex. I need a girlfriend, a real relationship. Love, and shit like that. Even simpler than that, I just need to be touched, and I don’t mean in a sexual way. But no one ever touches me, and I don’t touch them. Even the simplest touch is the hardest thing for me. I dream of being hugged.

    which made me think, chicks really need to start putting out. life is so f’ed up. all these pretty boys and jocks and lunkheads and morons get laid all the time. the giotti boys step out of a limo and all these girls scream their heads off.

    meanwhile theres all these dudes who are far too shy for their own good. not horrible looking fellas. underwood is an asshole, no question, but that fucker coulda gotten laid. he was creepy looking, but maybe only in retrospect, and maybe only because no chick ever gave him any play. if i was a reporter who was granted an interview, i wouldnt ask him why he killed that sweet little girl, but seriously how many chicks did he ask out over his life.

    so this is what im thinking, chicks need to take one for the team at least once a year. maybe we oughtta make a day out of it. for one day instead of making out with that dude in the stonewashed jeans or the highlights in his hair or the dude with the fake bake and the department store calvin klein, flirt with the dude at jiffy lube, or at carls jr and if he asks for your number give it to him, and when he calls you go out with him, and when he gets all nervous at the door give him a good kiss and grab his ass or something.

    they say that babies will die if they dont get touched. animals need to be pet. even homes need to be lived in or they’ll fall apart.

    clearly this carls jr dude went to work, came home, sat in his room, dicked around on the web and never made a move on anyone. and when he did it was twisted and violent and horrible. and when he did and got caught he didnt even care because what did he have to live for? so he could flip some bacon avacado chicken burgers for $7 an hour?

    maybe good friday should be the day where if youre a virgin dude you can make out with hot chicks. maybe on good friday virgins can get lap dances for free at strip clubs. or super shy dudes. or dudes whove worked at fast food places for more than five years.

    i know this guy was one on a million, that there arent that many people who dont get touched and then snap and kill and then try to eat people, but we need to lower the odds of this shit happening again. its just too painful.

    i know that one reason that im as confident about life as i am is my ridiculously good luck with the ladies, but fellas i have to tell you this – its luck, yes, but your “luck” increases the more you put yourself out there and actually ask for the sale. sure i get rejected. i get rejected all the time, but i also get said yes to. i believe it was lee trevino the golfer who said, “the more i practice the luckier i get”.

    boys you have to practice talking to girls, you have to practice getting rejected, and you have to practice asking for the sale. anyone can talk to a pretty girl, but it is tough to ask them on a date, and then for a kiss, and then for some roadhead, and then for a threesome. but just like anything if you dont practice its not going to happen. you have to practice riding a bike, and you have to be cool with falling down – in front of people.

    once i tried to kiss a girl and she totally leaned back as my eyes were closed and my lips were pursed. you know how embarrassing that is? swing and a miss. but the good news is you have unlimited swings on this shit. ive tried to kiss a girl for an hour once. once i tried for two hours straight. once i was in a car with a girl and i spent two and a half hours begging, daring, browbeating a girl into a kiss and when she gave it up and asked how it was i was all eh. and she kissed me again.

    you must try. you must try all the time. you will get rejected. you will have your heart broken. but you will also get kissed, and blown, and banged.

    but ladies, we need your help. especially the shy boys. im not saying you have to give me love, ive had plenty, but once a year you really should give some to those who need it most. yes he will stalk you. yes he will probably put a nice gift box on your doorstep with a long long long love letter in the basket. but sometimes it really is better to have lusted and lost than to never gotten a finger stunk up at all.

    and yes ive lost my mind.

    kali + jessica + jessica